cruel & gentle

It means that you…..

1. Ask questions.

- If there is any doubt about what you’re doing, and it was instructed by your Dom, get clarification.

2. Are aware of what you need and what you want. 

- A necessity and a desire are two very different things.

3. Remain observant. 

- Be aware of your Dominants usual behavior, if something is off, mention it. Dominants are human too, they equally need and deserve comfort and understanding during rough times. D/s dynamic aside, be a good partner, care for each other on an intimate level, otherwise the relationship won’t last long.

4. Don’t shy from problems, even though confrontation makes you uncomfortable.

- It is important to address issues within the dynamic. If there is a conflict of interest, let it be known, otherwise it will never be resolved. 

5. Allow your Dom to bend your limits, not break them. 

- A gentle push is healthy, a rough shove is abusive.

6. Remain realistic.

- Your Dom can be in control of your world, do not let them be the only thing in it. Have hobbies, interests, work, school, something you can invest yourself into for your own benefit/growth and development. Also have other people to converse with, otherwise you are being isolated by your Dom, something that is common among abusers.

7. Do your own research about safety for certain activities. You are the first person responsible for keeping yourself safe.

- It’s like safe sex, never expect the other person to always have a condom when you can carry one yourself. The internet is a very useful/educational tool, if you’re reading this then you already have this at your disposal. Use it. 

8. Remember to respect yourself while respecting your Dom.

- Retain your sense of self while you are with your Dom. Don’t let your need to submit blind you to an inadequate “dominant” who just wants to take advantage of you.

9. Communicate.

- Communicate your needs, your discomforts, your concerns, your interests, your perspective, your likes, and just your thoughts in general. Regardless of how good your Dominant is, they are not a mind reader. It is imperative to communicate, especially if you are in a long distance relationship. 

However, there are times when you can be “too smart” of a submissive. Sometimes that’s a good thing, other times, not so much. This means that you’re beyond analytical, you never allow yourself to fully submit, and you obsess over being “the perfect submissive,” even though there is no such thing. This cautiousness can go from keeping yourself safe, to restricting yourself, very quickly. It is important to find that balance and more important to be with a Dom who has earned your trust.

Now this leads to the ultimate point that was to be made to me by writing this. I’m an educated, yet inexperienced, submissive. Am I a smart submissive? According to what I’ve written, it seems so, but I still disagree. I don’t see myself as being a “smart submissive,” I see myself as being a submissive with an intellect, an impulse to question the majority of things, and a reserved demeanor.

What has kept me from engaging with the kink community at large, despite the fact that I’ve now been practicing BDSM for 9 years, is the unchecked fetishization of Black bodies in this space. It has always made me feel at best uncomfortable and at worst unsafe.

I haven’t engaged with the larger cuckolding community (despite the fact that I kept my first cuckold while still in my teens) because of this fact. I can’t engage with a community that unapologetically fetishizes Black bodies.

The common white-cuckold-Black-bull fantasy makes me deeply uncomfortable. This is play that is almost exclusively discussed by white couples, that centers on othering Black men. Because it’s taboo. Because they’re “more dominant” or “more aggressive”. Because they’re “not like us”. Because of the stereotype of how well-endowed all Black men are supposed to be.

(Where exactly do Black Women fit into your worldview of alpha Black males, beta white males, and white hotwives?)

For someone who isn’t a part of your incredibly specific fantasy, but who still has to experience that fetishization, it’s incredibly dehumanizing. I can’t help but think of all the garbage white men who hit on me by telling me they’ve “always wanted to fuck a Black girl”, or who insisted they “love” Black women because of how freaky they are in bed. It isn’t any different when you put the disclaimer of kink on it.

I’m not sure where you’re located so I can’t speak for the events in your area, but I would implore you to try and go to an event. Because of consent rules in most major events, the parties tend to be more respectful than one would anticipate (especially if it’s a no sex event). I’ve been going to parties on the east coast for over a year now and I’ve never had to deal with that form of fetishism in person (it’s always on fetlife tho🙄). Try going to a munch, meet some people and let your community know how you feel. Or better yet, see if there are POC events in your area!

Reblogging posts from ‘dominants’ who make lists of how to be dominant, where every fucking dot point screams ‘I have a saviour complex’, ‘all submissives are mentally damaged’, ‘I want to my submissive to embrace victim culture and I will encourage weakness’.

You’re all fucked. People are responsible for their actions. *empower* your submissive, you fucking asshole. Their strength is a reflection of your own. How dare you encourage people to reduce submissives to compliant little drones and instil social, eating, behavioural disorders on them.

doms who take risks with their -own- hearts and minds to create experiences for their subs, and whose first thought afterwards is making sure the person they love is safe, is happy, has everything they need

who have subs with trauma histories and know how to navigate that with care and grace and to do the impossible, to transform that horror into healing and life

who look into the shame and confusion that some of us feel about our kinks, and meet them with steady resolve and reassurance

who you know doesn’t shrink from the worst of you because you’ve symbolically gone into the darkness together and come back alive, and better for it

here’s to our doms.

Hi Anon,

First of all kudos to you for sending in your confession.

And secondly, as a woman, allow me to say there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, nor with your penis. As cliché as my words may sound, size IS overrated. A man’s penis size does NOT measure his qualities as a lover nor his strength of character.

It infuriates and saddens me greatly that men, who have an absolute normal average size, feel like they aren’t ‘enough’. People, men or women alike, who judge or reject you for it are freaking morons. Pure and simple.

I know it’s easier said than done, however believe in yourself, Anon. A man is so much more than the size of his manhood.

Anon, if you happen to see this, know that anyone who fetishizes you based on the bbc stereotype and projects that onto you doesn't deserve you. They're being creepy, and your body is absolutely normal. You deserve someone who will love you as you are, not someone who expects you to be some racist porno fantasy for them.

One of the hardest things for me is being chaste while away from Miss B. I have always been someone who masturbates extremely frequently (too frequently) and it is one of the things that is so appealing about having someone control my orgasms. But with excess and unsupervised free time, especially with the frequency that I find myself on tumblr, it is sometimes hard to fight the urge.

Yesterday I woke up early and could not get back to bed, I checked out some things on the internet but I inevitably ended up back on tumblr, the urge became too much and I soon found my hand on my cock, promising myself that I would only just edge. But once I was close I just couldn’t stop myself, the pressure too much and the possibility too present, I came without permission. I did this once more as I had 5-6 hours on my hands with nothing but my phone to look at.

You're mine, body and mind. Not because you always behave, not because you never make a mistake. You're mine because I want you, I love you, and I deserve you.

I deserve you because you are a sweet, loving boy who works so hard to please me. Because you take the punishments and humiliation I give you and thank me for them. Because you want so much to put my pleasure above your own. I deserve all of that. I deserve the best.

And you will not be abandoned.

You will struggle sometimes. You will mess up. You will misbehave. But when your punishment is over I will hold you in my arms again to remind you that you are still my good boy. To remind you that you are loved and treasured as my most prized possession.