WhatMotivation?

I'm getting so distracted, with life. I just need to focus on my goals ,and calm my mind.

Everything is like a dream, XD I care , but I don't I let time pass by , but I don't . I know what I want , but I don't. I'm bored without reason. Whatever just keep positive people!

It's not fickle I just change my determination towards a new direction. I cannot keep still to stagnate into a set form I will break free from my mental constraints!!

Hmmm so it's been a while , haven't really thought too much about that drama. I really miss talking to her , but I haven't heard from her at all. Girls don't tell you much, but neither do guys sometimes. I'm getting really tired of my days. I should really kick it into gear. When you can only see up to the first shelf you tend to pick from the first shelf, but when you can see the whole shelf you can tend to pick from the whole shelf. Another choice that can be is to not pick from any shelf and drop all worldly desires :3. Ah well I don't know if I should message her or not. I'm always the first to do it. It's decided unless Izzy messages me first I will not send a message , because it's easy to know when you just aren't interesting 😝😳. I desperately need to move away from this place. 😤

It's one of those days. You're just living . Not much is particularly happening, you have things to do , but aren't doing them. Reflecting a bit on life. Just casually living.

I many times have gone overboard and done stuff I probably shouldn’t have. Many times keeping to myself has saved me and or times I act prematurely and ram the train into a wall. *train wreck* I don’t like giving up, but I also have a quirky personality that even I myself find peculiar. If anything at all I’d have to blame hormones or pride even a ill bit of selfishness. I really wanted to go out with this girl who was my friend. Obviously I was friend zoned and it’s been like that for a while I didn’t mind too much. Overall I am a hopeless romantic and believe that things happen magic Disney style! Jk , not really , but I’m still figuring this human interaction thing. I accused her, I was wrong , I’m sure it was awkward for both of us mostly for me. Conveying anything over texts is hard for me , but I’m positive I didn’t convey at least 30% of I what I wanted. I was done though for the day. It would take nothing short of a miracle to patch things up with her , but I can’t figure it out. I’m perfectly fine for the most part away from her, but being with her just makes me go into like crazy happy idiotic thoughts mode. Now I could blame hormones or romance novels, but I just think in my mind I set up some idea that we could totally be a friend+ thing . Oh You naive fool I already knew that wasn’t a good idea. You know if I was the girl in this situation and I didn’t already know the person for a few years I would totally be CREEPED out. Its pretty bad when she has to tell you that to hang out again you must not touch! Nada, nothing , zip. There is a bubble you must always abide the bubble. Yeah that friendship is on indefinite hiatus. She’s really funny and the kind of girl who knows she’s pretty, cute and all that, yet doesn’t flaunt it too much XD. There I go again with the cheap compliments sigh. Either way I have to steel my mind become super Zen focus mode to sort this out. All I want is to look at her and think “Wow this girl is a great friend!” or “Dang you’re so much fun to hang with(no other thoughts)” is that too simple or what? I’m from a different world we became acquainted through school I was the annoying immature kid and she and her friend happen to be in the same class. Bunch of teasing and acts later I’m acknowledged. I found out later she was more into Music, rad level stuff and Chill life. I was the gamer junkie, random assortment of sports and anime watcher dude who spent most of his time interacting with a screen. You know I guess it’s inherently harder for a boy and a girl to develop a close friends relationship, because of the gender difference and society. Girls can just find more things in common than with guys. I’m not saying it’s impossible it’s just harder. I just realized I’m pretty blind to that fact . Half the time I’m just pretty goofy and happy just by myself listening to music , scarcely talking to bro gamer buddies and other things. Writing all of this vague uninteresting backstory to how momentarily crushed I felt when I got rejected the first, second and possibly 3rd time(Dang you’re persistent>·>). Shortly after I just didn’t feel crushed I actually went happy carefree and all that. Is this crazy , should I have wallowed in despair longer than maybe probably. It’s not like I wasn’t sad later or when I thought of it cuz my stupid realistic life dreams were reminding me of a life that wasn’t happening!! I trolled myself subconsciously ;). I don’t feel any less towards her it’s more like shifting the focus elsewhere, but like I said before Miracle needed for this friendship to leave it’s eternal hiatus. I’m not feeling that bad or anything I could pretend I am by going NOOOOOO OH WOOES WOOES ME HIW SAD, but I just don’t feel it. Right now its just so what now. I doubt she’ll ever be the first to send me a message or if she does send me a message filled with that sympathy or pity that she thinks I need I don’t know if I’ll respond. I can’t get mad at her cuz I was the one at fault she kinda just like watched this friend go starry eyed and stepped back. Life isn’t filled with happy ending if we never make-up or things stay awkward and we become memories to each other it would be a real shame , but I guess some nice drama to look back on and remember right?Dang reading that last bit again dies sound sad AF. I hate how cheery I can be 😡 or how I can’t easily hate someone. I don't even remember what the point of this rant was, but I can only stay optimistic to the situation. Yo if you read this far, What opinions do you have on this mess? Since this was all written then a lot if it may be read or interpreted incorrectly , but just make guesses on whatever you want it's funniest when you expand on other people's experiences to make great stories!

Life can change from simple to complex depending on your point of view. I'm personally shooting for 90+yrs of life cuz 60 sounds depressing, but who knows maybe I'll find life satisfying beforehand. Just keep moving along with a vague goal, be loud and proud. I need to learn to drop my quiet awkward self. Shame is just pride you shouldn't care what other people think just go for it.

I honestly don't I can be friendly and nice , but never get to the top of a pecking order. I mean friends are nice and all , but when you feel isolated within a group with no-one to talk to it can really sting. One day I hope to find that best friend I can rely on. I feel older than I really am....!!!Noooo

We have so many ideas and thought processes governing our minds. How free are we really? Its hard to change ,but not impossible. You can't just change someone either, because they have to choose to change themselves. Have you tried to try and change someone else? If they don't like it they don't do it unless it's under specific circumstances... Go with the flow, be unique , case by case decisions and all of that for what? To guide ourselves to some form of sub conscious motivation. Our brains want to Live. The biggest instinct we have is to survive. You could choose to feel like it's a shackle or a necessary part of being human or choose otherwise, but in the end Nothing matters. Unless you want it to matter to you. Everything in our world that works independently drives the cogs that run the whole. Chances are we'll be insignificant in the eyes of others or you may be famous , but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. This shouldn't be depressing to you it should be eye-opening. It takes away something and gives you something at the same time. Everyone is different, No one really matters , but you can make you matter or not. What you get out of this can be analyzed to understand oneself or guess where you're at. Good luck choosing one of your own infinite paths to the end. :D

I try focus on not being awkward , but the awkwardness level goes up 1000 times. I will preserve this one relationship is different I want it to be friendship there's a spark about her. It's just fun XD idk.

Fight through the pain, push past your breaking point and then you will adjust and grow .

I'm always wondering what people think. I mean it's nit like everyone is just going to tell you their thoughts. Its just fun to guess or want to know other people's thoughts. You don't always want to know , but sometimes you do :)

End of 2015, it's been a long year for some and it's flown by for others. I personally felt it long , but still kinda fun. I experienced so much more this year than any other I was happy, Dissapointed, confused and had a really fun time on the roller coaster of life. Goodbye 2015 and I hope 2016 is many times better.

So I tried doing the Athlean-X 400 reps ab challenge and it feels like my gut got hit by a sledgehammer moving hurts so I'm just going to lay here...