I’m in Arkansas right now if you can believe it or not. And I don’t think you’re here. (surprise me if I’m wrong). I wished for my dream job and got it. It came with its own set of new experiences, emotions, and challenges that I couldn’t have expected. I didn’t dream of those but does anyone really dream of the hardships.

I’m calling you from a past self as a way to acknowledge that you’re out there. That hope feels tangible in the moments where I’m like “wtf did I do? and how did I end up in Arkansas for more than 2 years.” It’s been a little scary. Maybe even a lot scary if I’m being honest.

I love love. And being a lover boy is sweet. Teach me boundaries but let me love you like a lesbian. Let me be tender and intimate and in turn receive all of that from you. There’s something so special about sharing your heart with people. It’s scary to love. And it hurts. Maybe I’ll knit your nude too.

Silly enough I’m sober. And my toe is infected. And I spent time with people who opened their hearts to share time and space with me. Queer people. Joyous and free queer people at that! I admire their joy. I know too much and nothing feels special. Even the variety is falling a little flat. But the act of trying feels more important than the way it currently feels. Maybe it’s suppose to feel that way. And I’ve known it all along. Contentment can be okay. And maybe that can find its own brand of special.

Of course I’ll think of you. I wrote a whole notes app turned physical letter, in a sapphic way, to let you know how much I liked you. I wanted to remember every detail that now feels, if nothing else, for me. I still have all of your physical mail and will probably for a lifetime. Proof that you cared because for some reason I need to feel that validation. Hopefully that perspective changes with time. 6 months of a tango with an ending (beginning?) of feeling sad and frustrated because location has determined that we can’t date.

I broke up with my ex because of the distance so it was naive to think you would continuously tango with me and this distance and the prospect of new love. I could ask why it was different this time. Why I was willing to try it with “we barely know each other”? I hurt harder than I remember. And I’ve probably have hurt just as hard. Piercing even.

I think of all the people I’ve shared some true intimacy with. I look at their nudes, videos and think of our intimacy together. Hell, it’s better than porn because I know the mutual attraction and affection and desire was there. I knew that they wanted me, even if it was only in that moment, as much as I wanted them.

Today I was thinking of Eli, then you, then Gerald, then David. Oh I forgot about Michael too. It hurts to be the one who got the let down if I’m being honest but emotional maturity hopefully keeps me from acting impulsively and vying for your affection.

Ultimately, I know I’m sexy and cool and interesting even in a place that feels actively against me. My therapist says that I’m resilient and persistent and making great strides to accommodate for all the things working against me. It’s harder than I think.

No, they’re not toxic.

Yes, they’re human and make mistakes.

Don’t blame people for changing especially if you’re changing too.

I kind of have no sympathy for people who aren’t willing to take responsibility in relationships. Everyone is so quick to say how terrible their last relationship was but like what does that say about you for staying so long if that’s the case?

I genuinely think that everyone is allowed to fuck up and it’s honestly about how much you’re willing to accept and love someone through those flaws.

It's been almost a month since we broke up. To say that I don't miss you, would be a lie. I think there were a lot of great things that we got out of our relationship and I think that's fair to acknowledge even though we obviously know that there were some not so good aspects as well. I want to meet up and like understand where you're at and how you are feeling. I don't really know what I think we will accomplish in meeting up to chat. In an ideal world, everything is fixed and we get back together. But I know that we can never come back together and it be exactly as it was. I won't accept it. It's hard to say that I honestly don't see a way for us to get back together at this point. And I don't want to create a dynamic where I'm holding something over you or you feel like you have to change yourself completely to be with me. I don't want to have to tell you that I want and deserve to be treated a certain way. I want my partner to understand and think of me first. I think I always tried to give you and us the best go at it all and I'm happy and thankful for that. I learned that I am a great partner, full of love, patience, understanding, forgiveness. Ultimately it didn't feel like I was being thought of and cared for on the receiving end of things. I know you have a big heart full of childlike whimsy and love, but there's something that stops you from leading with that nature. I don't know if it's the substances or the lack of self care/love but I really hope that it's something you take the time to dig into and really understand. I want the world for you. Hell, I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship as long as I did if I didn't believe that. At some point, it felt like in order to love you, and to actually love myself, it was to leave you. That act of leaving left me with a lot of guilt and sadness because I took on the emotional labor of it. My actions and choices didn't bring us to the tipping point. It was yours. I hate the blame game. It feels dirty. So I hope that you eventually see it as an act of love for both of us. What do I want for our next meeting? I honestly can't say. I want some closure. I want to know that you're doing well and working towards your best self. I want to know that the love and care I gave you didn't go to waste. And not that it ever would, because you can always make more space for love. I feel sad having to say that because I also need to tell myself the same thing. "You can always make more space for love." Heartbreak sucks. Losing someone important to you sucks. We had so many plans for the future and while I had my hesitations, I really wanted to imagine a life with you. It could never happen on the path we were going, but I still had the hope. I will say that it feels good to type out all of this shit. I haven't wanted to think about it. The first week I couldn't even go the whole day without crying. And now it happens sometimes. I want love. And I deserve unconditional love. And if it's not with you, then that person is out there. Someday soon. I love you, Gerald. And you'll always have special place in my heart. We have too many memories together for you not to. And I'm thankful for you and all the lessons learned. Even when they were hard or sad or bad. See ya soon.

Love,

hi. it's me. it's been a while. last time I was here I think was during covid? it's really been a lot haha. I think it's funny that I revert back to this idea of some sort of anonymity in throwing my thoughts into the either for someone or no one to hear. it's been a little over a week since I ended my almost 3 year relationship with Gerald. I loved him, unconditionally. I think I'm most disappointed that I feel somehow responsible for him and his actions. he loved his substances and chose himself over me. and I know that's not something I can really control. it's been hard to hold space for sadness again. I think growing up in tennessee I was always surrounded by the yearning and longing for "what's next" and had so much hope for that. and now in my late 20's I feel like i'm looking for that ease of life. I worked to hard to build my "ideal" life for myself. and I think we all in some degree have been trucking ourselves into what is now our current self. I also recently lost my job. it's so funny having gone into the creative world. I love that I've built my career around concepts and trends that live in the future but I haven't seemed to land that future-seeing ability for myself. if I really think about it, I can absolutely see myself happy with my next partner. fullfilled. supported. unconditionally. there's the saying that you can't have all of the "NY 3" : a job, stable housing, and a partner. right now, at least I have a stable place to live. I've literally interviewed for so many fun and exciting jobs over the past few months only for them not to be fruitful. I'm trying really hard to lean into idea that it's all meant for a reason because I need that little bit of hope right now. i'm really not looking forward to dating again. I hate that interview style mode of operating. I just want that peace and assurance that comes with the time of knowing someone for a while. how they move. how they operate. their quirks and all. I miss him. I do. but I did what was best for me. at least that's what has been the narrative. it's hard to leave someone when their at their lowest and not feel a sense of ownership or blame in that. for now, i'm feeling better about letting some of this energy go into the either of tumblr. it feels okay.

until next time.