Hens in the skirting boards

I’ve got a stinking cold for Christmas Oh I can’t taste the fucking gravy I’ve got a stinking cold for Christmas, yeah Well I’m feelin’ less than fine It’s fucking wrong But with it I’ll bear I sing this song To pass the time away Surviving with my cough Stinking cold for Christmas

It’s gonna take some time But I’ll get there Top to toe with Lemsip Oh I got red nose on the run But soon there’ll be an ear-pop yeah Get my hearing back to sound

So I sing for you Though I got mucus I’ll push through Though my voice is useless Got a stinking cold for Christmas Stinking cold for Christmas With a thousand maladies

I take a look at my mother next to me She’s just the same Just the same

I was sitting on a No. 3 bus, reading the following day's newspaper headlines on Twitter, when I came across The Sun's front page spread, lamenting the sad death of Peaches Geldoff. Accordingly, I should begin by stating for the record that my heart goes out to the Geldoff family as they suffer another tragic loss. Nothing I go on to say should detract from or trivialise the sad events in that family.

Indeed it was the The Sun's reference to an "echo of Paula's little Tiger-Lily" in Peaches' demise, which first moved me and got me thinking in the direction of this post. Like her mother, Paula Yates before her, Peaches had died with young children and I was affected by this tragic repetition in fate - two generations of mothers leaving behind a toddler who would barely remember them in years to come - and my mind, as it does, ticked over, exploring its recesses for similar situations, which perhaps I could relate to this appalling tragedy. I had a sense that I had encountered this sad situation of super-premature maternal bereavement before.

My mind being, well, *my* mind, of course came up with a parallel, not of my own personal experience - thank goodness - but instead one from soap story-lining. 'Of course!', I thought, Cindy Beale, died her rather ungratifying off-screen death, in prison, shortly after giving birth to a baby. Then, my mind started whirring, as I noted more and more similarities between the fortunes of Cindy and her family and the real-life tragedy of Paula Yates and her family. I have listed them below:

In both cases, the mother was a flirty, attractive blonde, with volatile behaviour

In the real-life case, the mother (Paula) recorded a cover of These Boots Are Made For Walkin' and clashed with Ian Hislop on HIGNFY

In the soap case, the mother (Cindy) walked out on her husband for other men repeatedly, and clashed with Sharon Watts over Wicksy

In both cases, the youngest child was the product of a relationship, with a better looking man than he whom had been father to the mother's other children. (Sorry Bob!)

In the real-life case, the bereaved babe was the product of a relationship between Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence, which followed Paula's marriage to Bob Geldof, the father of her other children.

In the soap case, the bereaved babe was the product of Cindy's relationship with Nick Holland, which followed her marriage to Ian Beale, the father of her other children*

In both cases, after the mother's death, owing to the natural father's absence, the child ended up living with its mother's former partner and their half-siblings

In the real-life case, the natural father had also tragically died the year before, so Mr Geldof* welcomed the child into his home

In the soap case, the natural father somewhat questionably abandoned the pregnant mother upon finding out she was guilty of attempted murder and never made contact with his child, who after a stint in Devon, returned to live with Ian Beale. (Devon must be awful!)

In both cases, the parents of the older children fought bitter custody battles over them in the late 1990s, after which the father ended up with the children

In the real-life case, the father won because of the mother's attempted suicide

In the soap case, after initially losing custody, the father eventually won because the mother was sent to prison for attempted murder

In both cases, (SPOILER ALERT), the second oldest of the three half-siblings went on to die tragically in 2014

In the real-life case, the half-sibling was a sister and reformed wild-child, who had gone on to work in fashion and settle in a relationship

In the soap case, the half-sibling was a sister and reformed wild-child, who had gone on to work in residential lettings and have an affair with Max Branning (It will always remain a mystery why, in Walford, men with heads like potatoes are such magnets to attractive young women)

Coincidences occur in life and it has been known many times before to mirror art and vice versa, so I'm certain that I'm making too much of this. But does Bob see Ian when he's shaving? Does Ian regret not choosing more unique baby names? Quite why Eastenders story-lining seems to mirror so closely the fortunes of one of the more colourful showbiz families, or why that family's fortunes seem to be mirrored so closely by the BBCs flagship soap opera will, I imagine, remain as mysterious as Phil Mitchell's sexual allure. And for the sake of the remaining Geldoffs, I do hope the reflections end here and now. Let's face it, the Beales are unlikely to end up happy!

  I much admired the treatment Charlie Brooker gave to the recent shake-up of Eastenders in last night’s instalment of his Weekly Wipe. It struck a chord with me in the way it first slammed then satirised the continuing drama of Walford, before noting surprise at how the writers have somehow recently ‘made you care again about the characters’ (Phil Mitchell aside, perhaps).

Central to the shake-up has been the well-publicised introduction of the Carter family. My interest was already piqued by the casting of Luisa Bradshaw-White as Shirley Carter’s sister, Tina.  Luisa, as Kira in the 90s drama, This Life played in my view, one of the best feel-good characters created of that decade, and I sensed the potential for a lift to life in Walford, just from Luisa’s inclusion. 

More interesting to me personally, was that Eastenders appeared to be making a renewed attempt at writing in LGBT characters, with Tina being softly revealed as a lesbian. As more Carters arrived, it was then very clear that Shirley and Tina’s twinky nephew, Johnny was a closet gay himself, prompting a further spike in my renewed interest in the starkly beleaguered London soap.

 It was with a sense of trepidation however, that I involved myself in the mire of launderette lugubriousness and car lot consternation that Eastenders tends towards. After all, it’s not been riding high lately, but they didn’t waste any time and the Carters have really got things moving. Johnny was outed within an episode or so of being introduced and in a scene so touching and tender, it seems surreal to contemplate that it involved Danny Dyer.

Despite being fast moving, it wasn’t rushed or forced and the viewer was clearly given to understand that the Carter family had been building up to this revelation, with both parents seeing and choosing to ignore the clues and the compassionate sister, Nancy being in on the secret for some time. The context was of a family awakening to the prospect of a gay relative, with the twist of an accepting macho father and a cosseting mother with a more conflicted reaction. Linda is grieving for the son she had mentally planned for, a process so key to the story of many a child’s coming out, but perhaps often overlooked dramatically, as the focus pulls to the gay character. Mick meanwhile was there as the strength to face up to the reality for both himself and his son and assert that it doesn’t change a thing. The storyline came out of human interest and emotional exploration of characters, not out of sensation or relationship scandal.

A similar approach is being taken with Ian and Denise’s struggle to realise inevitably that they’re not right for each other. I could be wrong, but it looks like Denise is exploring her emotional focus and context as she dallies with Fatboy again, just as Ian explores his, as he laments the absence of his most recent ex-wife, Jane, who put in an all too short surprise appearance to shake things up, the other night.

So often in the past, Eastenders has been drama for sensation, with little substance along the way, as Story Liners lurched from one Inside Soap headline to the next. There seemed little regard for maintaining a connection with the viewer, and where we had once cared about the lives of the Fowlers, the Beales the Watts and the Mitchells; the events of their lives at times vividly imprinting on our collective consciousness, it got to a stage where we could barely stand to watch Ronnie Mitchell crying again and any character with Moon as a surname could come and go without even leaving a shadow.

So, hooray for this upsurge in Walfordian effort and long may it continue, I wholeheartedly approve! And, may the treatment of LGBT storylines remain this well handled. As you’ll see from my potted history of rainbow representation, whilst Eastenders led the way, it’s been a rough ride at times. Dominic Treadwell-Collins might perhaps want to think about having some ‘T’ at some time in the future – but I’d advise him not to rush it. (And by that I mean, bring it in with the same care and attention that Johnny Carter’s storyline has had, through well-crafted, relatable characters and well-researched situations and dialogue)

From Colin to Johnny: A potted history of LGBT character portrayal in Eastenders

The Torchbearer Phase 1986-1991

First in 1986 we have the seminal soap gays. Although that phrase perhaps sounds grotty, one might say Colin and Barry actually represent a good clean start.

Middle class Graphic Designer meets cockney barrow boy against the backdrop of HIV/AIDS and rampant societal homophobia; the clashing of cultures [remember when EE used to have middle class characters?] and heads making for engaging and intense storylines at the core of the show. A peck on the forehead made headlines and people felt attitudinally as well as dramatically challenged.

There was a bit of a break from the gays after Colin’s final departure in 1989, until 1991, when Mark Fowler’s Chef friend starts working for Ian Beale in his catering business. When it’s discovered that he’s HIV+ Joe is sacked cueing more issue-based ignorance for dramatic purposes. Whilst it was no My Beautiful Launderette, (how could it have been with Dot Cotton firmly in control of Walford’s supply of Daz back then as now?) you might say gay story-lining in Eastenders was keeping its copybook clean.

Rushed and Neglected Phase 1994-2001

Again there’s a break until 1994, when spurred on by the competition, in the form of Brookside’s envelope-shoving lesbian kiss, the BBC decides to level the gender balance by having female gays for the first time. Unfortunately, unlike the competition they fail to root the characters of Della and Binnie in the show or give them anything interesting to do and after a little angst over coming out and a (much complained about) kiss in the middle of Bridge Street market, the couple are off to Ibiza and never seen again.

The next year, perhaps having learnt from their mistake with the lesbians, Eastenders try their hand at bisexuality, and confer the honour of being the soap’s first bi-guy on existing character Tony Hills; challenging his spectrum needle with the introduction of a gay brother for core character and Tony’s girlfriend, Tiffany Raymond-Mitchell. After the big reveal, this couple was almost as badly neglected as its female predecessor, existing at the periphery of anything interesting. Tony occasionally bounced between genders and Simon mooched around being bitter and almost getting burnt to death and by 1999, they had run their course and were similarly packed off to go travelling.

Seemingly exhausted from their gay character failures yet perhaps feeling bound to pursue the homo strand as the wider millennial soap climate took on a more up-beat and inclusive air, (they even had a gay in Emmerdale by this time!) Eastenders story-liners didn’t even appear to try as Dr Fred Fonseca was introduced to the soap, just prior to the Hills-Raymond departure. He came out, hung around with other peripheral characters and a after minimal amount of homophobic pressure from Martin Fowler of all people, realised that the East End wasn’t for him and sought a more accepting community in Islington – Thank you, Mr Blair.

Mature But Dull Phase 2001-2005

‘Spin me a golden thread on the theme of ‘older gays’’, John Yorke, executive producer (might’ve) said to the to the scriptwriters toiling in their tower, and without the aid of Rumplestiltskin, in 2001 they finally managed a successful character for TV stalwart Ian Lavender by the name of Derek. Billeting him with Pauline may have helped cure Martin’s queer-bashing tendencies, but did nothing to ensure he’d hang around forever and after four years of arguments and a conviction for marijuana farming, he was reunited with his children and gone, heralding the dark years for LGBT representation in the waters of the cockney soap cauldron.

The Desperate Phase 2005-2008

To use another grotty phrase worthy of the grot they were to serve up, Eastenders must have sensed ‘a gay-shaped hole’ in their character line-up after Derek’s departure in 2005, and having had such bad luck with new characters thought they’d once again bestow the honour of same-sex doings on an existing one. However, instead of sensitively selecting a teen with a developing identity, or an adult who had shades of the enigmatic, they plumped to bring Sapphic intrigue into the life of adenoidal former trumpet-player and all-round character-cushion, Sonia Fowler. To paraphrase another who liked to trumpet a load of rubbish, where once there was harmony, there was discord and where once there was truth, there was error. The storyline would have been no more unthinkable had it been written about the Iron Lady herself. (At least she had that gay-hating thing going on, so common to many who later turn out to be flamers themselves!) By 2007, Sonia had been restored to the downtrodden hetero pursuits befitting a member of the Fowler family and having reunited with Martin, as is customary, left for Manchester.

After SoniaGate, like a child scolded, Eastenders scowled and sniped from the corner of the room in the direction of LGBT writing, including peripheral gays in the form of queeny stereotype, Marco Bianco, (Peggy Mitchell’s Interior Designer friend) and Councillor Edward Tunstal, the latter being predominantly used within a ‘hilarious’ oops-I’m-not-actually-gay storyline for Ian Beale, (Isn’t gay funny!) before being involved in a scandal with a young man and stepping down. (Isn’t gay disgusting) Yes, Eastenders appeared to be taking writing tips from the Daily Mail.

In 2007, they also had another go at turning an existing character, bringing back Ian Beale’s (not) son Steven with a new head, which didn’t know if it was good or evil, mad or sane, straight or gay, interesting or boring. Before fully making up its mind either way on any point, it headed to the Tube Station and hasn’t been seen since. 

No Big Deal Phase – 2008 - Present

By 2008, it was time for Eastenders to grow up and grow a pair, if you’ll permit a bit more grot, and the following year it appeared that they had, when they introduced Christian Clarke, an out and proud gay brother for Jane Beale. A fag for hag, Roxy Mitchell, a gym bunny and a frequenter of Vauxhall clubs, Christian appeared real and convincing, until they gave him a more permanent love interest that is. ‘Chryed’ was popular in some quarters and certainly made for issue-based drama redolent of the Colin and Barry years, but to me Christian and his weak and self-hating Muslim boyfriend were never a credible partnership. I could never see the superficial, partying muscle queen go for the shrimpy, directionless, complicated mess that was Syed Masood.