Stuck in Reverse.

I don’t quite know how I’ll be able to get through adulthood, adult life, office life, work life. I don’t quite know how to prepare myself to face setbacks and challenges. I don’t quite know if this is what I want to do. I don’t quite know if I’m good at anything. I don’t quite know if I’ll ever be great at something.

Why am I so scared of failure when I know that failure will approach sooner or later? I’m afraid that even though I know, I cannot brace myself. That no matter how much I tell myself I can and I will get through it, I will still be so affected. I would brood over it so much. I wished it would come sooner, so that I can grow faster. I wished I had more passion, more enthusiasm, but it’s just so difficult to push myself.

What if we cannot fulfill our dreams together of furnishing our own house. setting up our own business. striking the lottery.

Eternal Love | Episode 44

“I find them troublesome so I took our clothes off with magic.”

It seems like everytime I pour my feelings out I tend to not actually feel better. I tend to feel guilty for hurting others. Even though I don’t feel that my points are wrong. But the guilt seems to impair me more than anything else. Its easy to think that regretting is nothing but it is something afterall.

Now I think the only way I can stop living the life that I used to is to make a change. Whatever and however change might hurt me, I’m not going to care. Yes I am going to regret hurting people I care about. But i’m tired of being the one who cares so much. I always blame myself for everything. Everything. Indeed I am flawed. Very flawed. But how are others not flawed. I’m going to be strong and give less fucks. I can do it on my own. I need to stop being the one who suffers in silence. Take risks, be brave, lose the things which are holding me back. Life doesn’t wait. Am I going to regret? I don’t know. So what if I do. So what if I fuck up my own life. I have too many regrets to give a fuck.

Tired of life. Tired of everything.

Losing hope once more. When you think you’ve made it out of the darkness but a little bit still lurks. You work so hard to get out of it but it consumes you in a second. Life is but a constant struggle to leave the darkness behind me. But at the same time happiness is overrated and both the attainment of happiness and the escape from darkness are both meaningless and pointless. It is but a life of struggle for nothing.

Actually its only 1:34 am now but 2am sounds better and by the time I finish typing it might be 2am. Its raining outside now and I had just taken a shower so I’m in the mood to write (type). I realized that as I grow older I tend to reflect less on my life, shy away from facing my thoughts and feelings, from confronting them, from facing reality. There are too many things to think about these days. I mean, I would rather not think because I obviously need to focus on my thesis and passing my exams and graduating. But I miss thinking and reflecting on other things. Just thinking about work makes me feel like I have lost some part of myself. Dull and boring and an emotionless robot kinda thing.

I don’t even think anybody reads my nonsense here anymore since I update so rarely.

But anyway, I was just thinking about what I have gained from my 5-year university life. Its been a really long time yet it feels kind of short. It feels like things have passed so fast. But yet so much has changed. I feel like I have changed over 100 versions of myself. And I honestly don’t know if it is for the better or worse.

I used to think in year 1 to like year 3 that I was one of the lucky people in architecture school who has found a group of friends I can keep with for life. But it was a struggle really, trying to keep these friends. I will never forget the time I cried so much and made a big fuss when my friend wanted to join other people for group work. I felt so upset, so betrayed. But I guess I was just naive. Maybe people had already grown old enough or mature enough to realize that work is work and friends are friends and whatever ugh. I was too naive to think that friends should do everything together and be there for one another.

Now in year 5 I often sit alone in the computer lab doing my own work. To be honest, it gets lonely some times. Some days I can pass with just speaking a few words like hi bye and smiling at familiar faces. I feel like I’m slowly forgetting how to socialize. I never knew how to anyway. But its probably making my social anxiety worse. I wished I still had those techno edge meals at the canteen or taking away food to benches, sitting and laughing. I’m pretty glad that I was into those moments, and those moments that will be imprinted in my memory. Cause I don’t think there will be many more of those instances in life. Probably not. At least not with those people I met in architecture school and whom I once thought will always be there for me. Girl you better grow up and let go of the things which don’t belong to you. The people who matter will make time for me, will enjoy my company, will ask me out, will wait for me, will share their life and thoughts with me. Will have fun with me and laugh with me. Even just 1 person will do.

On the bright side I feel like this is a lesson to prepare me for working life. I still hope to make real friends in my future office or workplace. But I guess I won’t be as naive as I used to be. Somehow as we grew older we just stopped talking about our emotions to other people. Stopped talking about feelings. Grew sick and tired of hearing each others’ opinions. Everything just became like arguments, imposing thoughts on one another. Everything we say have to be said with caution. Slowly I realized that even friends cannot be trusted. Who sincerely wishes the best for me and who doesn’t? I don’t really know anymore. We’re all just in this rat race trying to survive aren’t we. We only form alliances, not friends. Friends is just a fancy name for allies.