Feeling like crying all the time.
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@thatdecember
Feeling like crying all the time.

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I realized that every time iâm sad I would come here to voice my thoughts and opinions. I havenât come here in quite some time because I havenât done much thinking and life has been smooth sailing when iâm too swamped with work and have little time for self reflection. I guess the only thing making me sad is my mind because i get sad when i think too much or even start to think.
But after not opening my tumblr for about 5 months, I logged in to find a sweet encouraging message from a complete stranger and I feel so touched that thereâre strangers in this world who care for other strangers. And this is not the first time I received sweet encouraging messages from strangers who give me new perspectives on life. Positive ones which I really have not thought of. Just would like to say thank you very much, and because of your message I would try not to think so negatively now and get some sleep:)
Life is gonna get you down
I donât quite know how Iâll be able to get through adulthood, adult life, office life, work life. I donât quite know how to prepare myself to face setbacks and challenges. I donât quite know if this is what I want to do. I donât quite know if Iâm good at anything. I donât quite know if Iâll ever be great at something.
Why am I so scared of failure when I know that failure will approach sooner or later? Iâm afraid that even though I know, I cannot brace myself. That no matter how much I tell myself I can and I will get through it, I will still be so affected. I would brood over it so much. I wished it would come sooner, so that I can grow faster. I wished I had more passion, more enthusiasm, but itâs just so difficult to push myself.
I guess I just have to ask myself again, what is it that I really want in life?
Nightland: Urban Nightscape Photography By Michael StreckbeinÂ
Michael Streckbein is an professional photographer and artist currently based in Cologne, Germany. Michael focuses on architecture, urban and street photography.
Notes to self
1. Be brave 2. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Whats the worst that could happen? 3. Don't be afraid of being judged. Be weird. Be quirky. Be frank. 4. Relax. Feel comfortable. 5. Work hard & focus 6. Be kind but also kind to yourself 7. No one will pick you up but yourself 8. Give less fucks about being awkward. Trying is better than not trying.

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What if I donât have much time left.
What if we cannot fulfill our dreams together of furnishing our own house. setting up our own business. striking the lottery.
I realized that the only thing Iâm afraid of is leaving you, and not having enough time to do the things I want to do with you.
Eternal Love | Episode 44
âI find them troublesome so I took our clothes off with magic.â
LOL SU-WEG.
Eternal Love Episode 43
A Li: You just said Father is your sweetheart, your darling, your precious honey. Someone has come to steal Father and youâre just going to let her? Your words are lies!
âQian Qian, why do you have so many matters to discuss today?â

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ăKa-CHING!ă
Baekhyun //Â EXO-CBX /ăKa-CHING!ăMUSIC VIDEO -Short Ver.-
Feels like thereâs a hole in my heart. An emptiness or a wound.
It seems like everytime I pour my feelings out I tend to not actually feel better. I tend to feel guilty for hurting others. Even though I donât feel that my points are wrong. But the guilt seems to impair me more than anything else. Its easy to think that regretting is nothing but it is something afterall.
I guess I am just not meant to be happy. I donât deserve happiness. Iâm just rotten. Would rather be gone. why donât people help me help them save us all from this suffering.
3am and thinking of overdosing on panadols coz i have a fucking headache and I can't sleep and i'm scared because its an option and its easy.
Struggling with life. As much as I would like to act like a strong person, that is the truth. I struggle all the time. I try my best to think positively. I try hard.
Now I think the only way I can stop living the life that I used to is to make a change. Whatever and however change might hurt me, Iâm not going to care. Yes I am going to regret hurting people I care about. But iâm tired of being the one who cares so much. I always blame myself for everything. Everything. Indeed I am flawed. Very flawed. But how are others not flawed. Iâm going to be strong and give less fucks. I can do it on my own. I need to stop being the one who suffers in silence. Take risks, be brave, lose the things which are holding me back. Life doesnât wait. Am I going to regret? I donât know. So what if I do. So what if I fuck up my own life. I have too many regrets to give a fuck.
And anyway hereâs a small sorry to my followers for all the negative posts, although I donât have alot but I gained more than I thought I would by posting kpop/kdrama related stuff. Iâm too busy with life now to post any other things.

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Tired of myself as usual.
Tired of life. Tired of everything.
Losing hope once more. When you think youâve made it out of the darkness but a little bit still lurks. You work so hard to get out of it but it consumes you in a second. Life is but a constant struggle to leave the darkness behind me. But at the same time happiness is overrated and both the attainment of happiness and the escape from darkness are both meaningless and pointless. It is but a life of struggle for nothing.
I often feel that people are fed up with me as much as I am fed up with myself. I guess I am just that much of a burden. I donât know how to be something else. I donât know how to be better. Iâm so tired. Why is it so tough to even give up. Whatâs so bad about giving up. Iâm tired of this pointless cycles of ups and downs. Tired of forcing myself to think some way like a delusional freak.Â
2am Nonsense
Actually its only 1:34 am now but 2am sounds better and by the time I finish typing it might be 2am. Its raining outside now and I had just taken a shower so Iâm in the mood to write (type). I realized that as I grow older I tend to reflect less on my life, shy away from facing my thoughts and feelings, from confronting them, from facing reality. There are too many things to think about these days. I mean, I would rather not think because I obviously need to focus on my thesis and passing my exams and graduating. But I miss thinking and reflecting on other things. Just thinking about work makes me feel like I have lost some part of myself. Dull and boring and an emotionless robot kinda thing.
I donât even think anybody reads my nonsense here anymore since I update so rarely.
But anyway, I was just thinking about what I have gained from my 5-year university life. Its been a really long time yet it feels kind of short. It feels like things have passed so fast. But yet so much has changed. I feel like I have changed over 100 versions of myself. And I honestly donât know if it is for the better or worse.
I used to think in year 1 to like year 3 that I was one of the lucky people in architecture school who has found a group of friends I can keep with for life. But it was a struggle really, trying to keep these friends. I will never forget the time I cried so much and made a big fuss when my friend wanted to join other people for group work. I felt so upset, so betrayed. But I guess I was just naive. Maybe people had already grown old enough or mature enough to realize that work is work and friends are friends and whatever ugh. I was too naive to think that friends should do everything together and be there for one another.
Now in year 5 I often sit alone in the computer lab doing my own work. To be honest, it gets lonely some times. Some days I can pass with just speaking a few words like hi bye and smiling at familiar faces. I feel like Iâm slowly forgetting how to socialize. I never knew how to anyway. But its probably making my social anxiety worse. I wished I still had those techno edge meals at the canteen or taking away food to benches, sitting and laughing. Iâm pretty glad that I was into those moments, and those moments that will be imprinted in my memory. Cause I donât think there will be many more of those instances in life. Probably not. At least not with those people I met in architecture school and whom I once thought will always be there for me. Girl you better grow up and let go of the things which donât belong to you. The people who matter will make time for me, will enjoy my company, will ask me out, will wait for me, will share their life and thoughts with me. Will have fun with me and laugh with me. Even just 1 person will do.
On the bright side I feel like this is a lesson to prepare me for working life. I still hope to make real friends in my future office or workplace. But I guess I wonât be as naive as I used to be. Somehow as we grew older we just stopped talking about our emotions to other people. Stopped talking about feelings. Grew sick and tired of hearing each othersâ opinions. Everything just became like arguments, imposing thoughts on one another. Everything we say have to be said with caution. Slowly I realized that even friends cannot be trusted. Who sincerely wishes the best for me and who doesnât? I donât really know anymore. Weâre all just in this rat race trying to survive arenât we. We only form alliances, not friends. Friends is just a fancy name for allies.
So... this is it. Today I have decided to stop making an effort. And today onwards I will tell myself that they donât matter as much as they do anymore. I mean, they do matter still, I wish them all the best and I hope we still keep in contact. But I will not let myself hope for anything more than that. and I will not let myself be hurt or upset by the things that I donât have.