The Dumb Angel Sessions

We all know the creeps that are easily packaged as creeps. As you'll see going around, don't retweet selfies, don't DM women who don't want you to, and don't assume someone's comfort with their sexuality allows you to say anything you want in their replies. All of us can open our DM request folder, and there will be unsolicited pictures of penises, blunt statements of what part of your body a stranger wants to see, a good morning from someone you've never heard of, or, my personal favorite, insults when their advances are ignored. Sometimes all of these are left in a public space, and your friends can be alerted too.

Those creeps can be blocked, and you can move on. Their offenses can be screenshotted, and you can objectively show why you dislike that person. A more nuanced group of men who reply to everything can be more difficult to navigate, oft referred to as reply guys. Maybe it's only your selfies, maybe they've committed to every post, but they'll have something to say. That in and of itself seems harmless. There is an energy that differentiates a reply guy from a guy who replies, one that I can even sense, and I don't know people are my friends unless they explicitly say it. You start to realize a reply guy has created a narrative, and your silence only gives them more space to decide your intent. Maybe you thanked them for compliments at first and interacted, but then you stopped. 

They don’t. And this sounds like such a non-issue. Someone compliments you a lot? Engages a lot? It’s something more. It’s overtly sexual flirting. It’s flirting with increased intimacy. It’s being uncomfortable because you know they have post notifications on. It’s going to their profile and realizing they exclusively interact with women who look like you. It’s realizing they only retweet porn of people who look like you. 

These are easy to block, too, until they aren’t. This group could be members of your circle. If you block that guy that came to that one game night, will you have to hear about it? They’re prominent in your fan community, so could it impact your ability to participate? That’s when there are whispers. “I don’t want to cause any issue,” it’s always couched because you know what can happen if your discomfort gets back to someone who could just not flirt with you. “I don’t get a good feeling from him.” Relief when they say, “I thought it was just me that was creeped out.”

You can befriend women as a man on Twitter. If I were to name the friends I have made on Twitter, half to more than half of them are men. This isn’t an every man is creeping on you post. I know when someone is replying with compliments repeatedly because they on some level, conscious or not, think enough kindness tokens get them sex and when they’re just friendly. I know which men I can go to and say, “Hey, I’m uncomfortable with you/your friend/that one guy,” and have them listen. 

I have male friends from Twitter. I have formed friendships that went from platonic to sexual on Twitter. I have formed friendships that went from platonic to a safe flirtation. I have had friendships turn romantic from Twitter. That’s because these men ensured interest was reciprocated. They treated me like a person with my own autonomy. I was not a girl they had painted into a box she is much too large for. For them, I am thankful.

That said, I also know which man said I should be led astray in our first Twitter interaction, continuing on with little to no response until I felt I had to get another man to stand with me at an event so he’d leave me alone, seemingly because another man had dibs. He proceeded to glare at me through the event enough that a friend pointed it out, and I didn’t feel comfortable saying anything for fear of blowback.

I know which man let me think we were platonic friends until I promised him he wasn’t one of those reply guys. Then in a Zoom, he created an environment that made me feel I had to leave long enough to change clothes in the hopes he’d stop being a creep under a veil of anonymity. The questions were anonymous, but watching him type them and reference the group conversation was not. 

I know which men heard me say, “I’m flattered but not interested,” and sent a barrage of insults in return.

I know which men I did not know who read my post about my discomfort and immediately DMed me offering drinks and dates and compliments to make me feel less objectified and undervalued.

I know which men make me feel I need a spreadsheet of people to watch out for because I don’t know if I’m crazy until it’s mentioned by friends since so many tweets seem to go missing when you stop speaking to a person. It’s almost like they know they did something wrong.

I know which men will either read this and out themselves by saying, “I never…” or “I was only trying…” or, another favorite, “you’re an ugly bitch anyway.” If you are feeling attacked, I encourage you to evaluate your interactions. And if you feel attacked and regularly have a back-and-forth with me, you are not the problem.

And most upsetting, I know which men I cannot share discomforts with because they won't care what someone else is doing because they "don't seem creepy."