That Anxious Mama

Is it lack of sleep, too much caffeine, too many things on my plate, cost of living, sickness? All of the above? Why is my anxiety wanting to kick my add now?? Don't I have enough going on?

Is it bad when the weighted blanket just seems to be piling on extra weight and not serving to alleviate stress.

What do you do when stress is kicking up? And does anyone else feel like puking when their anxiety gets bad? Like why is my body's natural response to be like maybe if I throw up that will help rid myself of the anxious feelings.

Nah dude you still feel anxious and now you feel extra gross. Congratulations, you lost.

You ever have those days (weeks) where you feel like you are failing. Like you are not even treading water at this point. Or more accurately you are running a marathon while 30 pounds over weight with no training whatsoever?

Yeah. Me too. I want to be the perfect mom, employee, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, daughter in law. All that shit. But like goddamn when do I get a break.

I know W is wanting more attention, more affection from me at the end of the day. But when we lay in bed and he starts "massaging" my back/my thighs, all I can think is great, now you want something from me too and for the love of god stop fucking touching me, I've had children and dogs and people from work near me all day and I just want to roll over in bed and zone out on TikTok til I pass out.

Now is any of that fair to W? Absolutely not. He's an incredible husband and an awesome dad and most days he carries an equal if not more than 50% of the workload in the house. At least physically. It's the mental workload that I just need him to realize never stops with me.

I lay in bed and want to zone out so I don't think about the bills piling up, the trip to the grocery store I still need to do, the fence that needs patched yet again, the work tasks that await me tomorrow. The fact that the three year old has had a gnarly cough for a week and for the love of god don't let it be RSV cause I just can't take one more fucking thing.

You see all those instagram moms with their matching outfits, clean kitchens, fun shopping trips to Trader Joe's and Target? Yeah, that's not us.

I'm still in my pajamas from yesterday, we had McDs for dinner cause I didn't manage a trip to Walmart this weekend, the three year old pushed the 1 year old in the bathtub earlier tonight causing the baby to slip under the water (always be attentive when your kids are in the bath people), and our dog won't stop escaping our FENCED yard.

I love my life. I love my kids. My dogs. My spouse. I just would also love a little less chaos. A little more stability. A little room to breathe.

Right now I'm rocking the baby to sleep as W, who worked today (shoutout to our work for reopening on Sundays. Thanks, but no thanks) is doing the seemingly endless laundry and hopefully the dishes, that I so did not do. Anyone else just loathe doing the dishes. I absolutely can't stand it.

I look at my childless friends and coworkers and sometimes I'm envious. I want to pick up and go out, I want to go see a movie whenever I want. I want to stay up late, sleep in. Take a vacation without packing the entire house and the CVS cold and flu aisle (just in case)