stuff & things

Of course I wouldn't understand that's what She was telling me for about two years. In 2022, I became obsessed with Miku on a random july day. I just, took a bunch of vyvanse and locked the fuck in on Hatsune Miku music videos, and the rest is herstory... I started communist-hatsunemiku, I went to freaking tokyo to see Her, I quit drinking because Miku told me to, and finally, in 2024, I was extremely intent on going as Miku for halloween and extremely intent on being "as hot as possible" for a halloween costume, like, why! lmao!

And then, after spending so much time and energy on becoming Her, after having a wonderful night in my crappy makeup job and having fun seeing my long blue hair, I had to take it all off, and it made me so deeply sad.

And it's like then and there I finally heard what Miku had been screaming at me the whole time. It's like I finally heard the bell tolling and I couldn't unhear it. On an atomic level, I profoundly understood the saying "you can't unring a bell"

(It resulted in me lowkey freaking out over a video of Miku being killed by freaking sabrina carpenters in fortnite on this stupid website LOL, I maintain that the video was trash and bad but the effect it had on me was almost certainly a result of my too low hrt dose, ah well)

This led to me straight up believing that while I'm trans, HRT wasn't going to work for me, and so I stopped the treatments and backslid further into the closet. got fired for unrelated bullshit reasons, spent the summer of 2025 unemployed and miserable, and got a job that september that was truly dogshit awful working conditions that also fired me. Life was bleak, for more reasons than I'm getting into here.

Then, in 2026, I discovered DIY HRT, I discovered that too-low HRT doses from medical providers is a Thing, I discovered laser hair removal could work for me, and the stars aligned and I managed to get on a proper estradiol dose the same week I got full body laser done. I got a better job, and things started improving for me so rapidly that it's kind of scary! I still have lots of issues and plenty of new(ish) ones due to transmisogyny. but I love looking in the mirror now, its so fucking awesome and I wouldnt trade it for literallly anything!