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(518): Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.

(989): dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw

(316): So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.

(+61): Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.

(240): Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?

(818): Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"

(773): Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh

(612): Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us

(602): I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job

(563): It's an awesome device. I love this device.

(919): Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.