Dear Blog,

I really love romcoms. They really know how to sell you a fantasy. "What fantasy?", you might be wondering. Well the fantasy that men actually give a shit about you and they'll do whatever they can to treat you like you matter. The truth is that all these movies are just movies and they'll never actually be a reality. As hard as you may wish. The cruel reality is that most men are pieces of shit and finding a good man is like finding a needle in a haystack. Except, the haystack is spraypainted silver. We may not actually know if there's even a needle in there to begin with. We just have to sift through the constant bullshit until we think we've found some great guy. Until it turns out he's actually a giant asshole. Schrodinger's haystack is maybe an appropriate term or even Schrodinger's douchebag.

Anyways, I guess what I'm getting at is that for once in my life I'd like to find that needle. I wish I found a great guy who's mature and doesn't break up with me over a stupid "spark". Like grow up asshole. For once, would it kill the universe to send me someone decent. Someone who maybe possibly doesn't cancel on me at the last minute and actually prioritizes me. Whatever though. It's fine I guess. I don't mind being alone sometimes. It's better to be alone than lonely.

One romcom I would really recommend for everyone is 'He's Just Not That Into You'. I would say it's perhaps the most realistic one except for the happy ending. But otherwise, it's a real eye opener because the unfortunate reality is that a lot of men don't actually give a shit about you and they make it pretty obvious. We just fool each other into thinking that the reason a guy treats you like shit is because he cares about you. It's just a constant cycle of delusion. Well I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the delusion. I'm sick of giving men the benefit of the doubt when they've disappointed me countless times. They can all go fuck themselves.

you would not believe the way this week has been going. no scratch that. the way this DAY has been going. sooooo, i just started talking to my old situationship. just texting a little bit! we haven't done anything i swear! its so crazy tho. he texted me like a month ago to just check in on me i guess. and i texted him last week after aiden broke up with me. honestly idk why i did it. im just stupid i guess.

but we've been texting back and forth a bit. i asked him when he was leaving for home and i honestly expected to never see him again. i thought he would be gone after the semester ended but boy i was wrong. HE'S LIVING HERE NOW! its fucking crazy!!!! i didn't expect him to live here at all.

i honestly am so fucking surprised. i didn't expect a season 1 character to come back in season 3. i was just planning on hooking up with him before he left for home but now he's living here. im so cooked.

help.

im doing better today. yesterday was the first time i didn’t cry about my ex, aiden. even tho it feels like i got my heart ripped out of my chest, im not as sad about it anymore. i just feel angry and betrayed. i know he didn’t really do anything to betray but i just feel like he said he loved me and said we would do all these things together. then he broke up with me over a fucking spark. like i meant absolutely nothing to him. i genuinely don’t know what i did and when he stopped loving me.

anyways i just finished the last of my finals. i think i did well on my asl exam but im still waiting for my accounting grade. im not so sure that i did well on the accounting exam. i really hope i don’t have to retake the class next semester.

i started talking to this guy recently. like a few days ago. i know i know. it’s really soon after the breakup but im just in need of a distraction. it’s not like i need him to be my bf. i don’t even know when im gonna be ready to have a bf anymore. or be with anyone seriously. he really broke me.

anyways this new guy is pretty chill. he’s really attentive and sweet which is making me feel weird but it’s not like i don’t like it. i’m just weary. but his name is Ty. we’re supposed to hang out sometime this week but we’re both really busy so who knows if that’s gonna happen. oh well. it’s fine i guess. it’s not anyone’s fault or anything. it’s nice texting him tho. he’s really easy to talk to. he called me diabolical for being on tinder so soon after the breakup 💀 but it’s not like aiden didn’t do the same thing. fucking bitch. i really am wishing the worst on him. evil evil man.

i’m gonna go home and do some of my assignments and possibly watch SKAM or maybe the pitt. i need something to distract me from these harrowing times.

update: he broke up with me. i talked to him about his communication and that fact that i wish he texted me more and i thought it went well. i asked him to text me the way he used to and he started to. but then he gradually put less effort in again.

yesterday he broke up with me. the week before he was acting weird. first, he didn’t want to see me for one of the days we we’re supposed to hang out. we ended up calling instead. his reason was that he wasn’t feeling like himself and he explained later that he basically felt like he couldn’t connect with his friends like he used to. then he got mad at me over a tiktok i reposted that was like “the state my friends will find me in if i lose my bf” and he was like “have i ever insinuated i wanted to break up with you? no” (liar) i tried reassuring him and he apologized.

he asked if he could come over yesterday and i said yes. i figured we would be able to talk about what happened the week before but i guess not. he drove over. i went to his car to come get him and he felt distant and off. then he told me he didn’t feel the same spark anymore and that we should part ways. like a fucking pussy. like i meant absolutely nothing to him. i slammed the car door in his face and went up to my apartment. i texted him and told him he should’ve stayed away and then i called him a fucking coward.

i guess it all meant nothing to him. i clearly meant nothing to him. every “i love you” and every “you’re perfect” was just some big fucking lie. if he really loved me then he wouldn’t have broken up over something that could be easily fixed. they were just words that he said. they never held any real meaning. unlike him i was actually willing to work through the hard times but just like a fucking man, he ruined it. fucking typical. like what the fuck are you talking about? “there’s no spark anymore” what are you actually saying? he’s as good as dead to me.

every plan that was made and every word that was said were just that. words. and he did it during finals week too. he’s such an asshole. what a waste of fucking time.

i talked to my boyfriend and we’ve been communicating more consistently now. he’s not texting like my dad anymore 😅 i started taking anxiety meds for obvious reasons. i thought i was getting depressed but i think im just overwhelmed by my life and need to take rest for myself. i talked to my boyfriend about that too and he was really supportive.

honestly, even though i want to i don’t think we’re both at a place in our lives where we can constantly see each other. i think maybe it’s a good thing that we don’t each other as much considering that im getting fucked up the ass with homework and my job. i wish we had more time for each other but i don’t think right now is a good time for that. i think i was prioritizing our time way more than time for myself. i’ve been trying to put myself first more but it’s a learning process. i’ve also been listening to self love affirmations because i’ve been miserable when it comes to that area of my life. it’s hard but im trying. i can’t tell if the meds are kicking in yet or if im just feeling a placebo effect but i feel calmer right now. i’m not really supposed to feel any different until maybe the 3 week mark but who knows lol. god i can’t wait for this semester to be over already.

current mood:

they gave me the wrong order at peet’s coffee. i asked for a strawberry lemon tea shaker and instead they gave me this bitter ass green tea. i spent $6 for nothing. i’m gonna cry im already having a terrible day to start with. fml man.

current mood:

this week has been so depressing. first, i lost my student ID so i can’t use free transit and paying for muni/bart is so fucking expensive. i took my accounting exam and i think failed. i feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is never gonna progress the way i want it to. sometimes i feel like an afterthought to him. and lastly i have to go to school so early and im super tired. no, actually im fucking exhausted and i’m hungry. i hate being tired all the time. i hate accounting. i wish my boyfriend wanted to see me more and went out of his way to call me. i wish he didn’t text me like my dad. i wish i was done with school already. sometimes i wish i was gone if you know what i mean. i feel like this stupid fucking ant sometimes.