ATP and WTA Updates

BREAKING: Elena Rybakina has withdrawn from another tournament due to illness, and quite frankly, we’re all getting a little concerned.

BREAKING: Feliciano López admits he probably shouldn’t have ignored “the witch’s curse” when making preparations for Madrid this year. When asked for clarification, López looked frightened and said he couldn’t offer further comment at this time as “she might be listening.”

BREAKING: Daniil Medvedev vows to defend Rome title, “if not by racket, then by sword.” Watch out, Djokovic!

BREAKING: Six countries have declared it illegal to refer to ATP players as “baby boy,” a number that will likely grow (law not applicable to players under the age of 18). The term “babygirl” remains hotly under debate.

BREAKING: Jelena Ostapenko has hotwired the Stuttgart Porsche and driven it into the venue wall.

BREAKING: “Your time will come, my darling boy,” Aneke Rune says to son Holger from their shadowy domain following his defeat in the Monte Carlo quarterfinals.

BREAKING: Karolina Muchova has floated away on the breeze.

BREAKING: Age catching up with him? Novak Djokovic has gotten stuck while doing the splits in Monte Carlo

BREAKING: Daniil Medvedev and Stefanos Tsitsipas spotted amicably sharing a protein shake in the players’ lou- wait, what’s this? Never mind, they have gotten into a slap fight over the last sip.

BREAKING: WTA Charleston organizers have confessed that the Charleston clay is gray to resemble asphalt, in honor of the American people’s great love of parking.

BREAKING: Aryna Sabalenka has filed adoption papers for the Daphne Akhurst Memorial Cup.

BREAKING: Dutch players have voted to unionize against Jannik Sinner. Can’t beat them all if they all play him at once!

BREAKING: Iga Swiatek seen carefully arranging little lego figurines of her opponents on a little lego tennis court. We’re sure there’s no nefarious purpose there.

BREAKING: Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal have legally wed. As per ATP rules, this nullifies the results of all previous matches played against each other.

BREAKING: Everyone your favorite player has ever lost to definitely going to hell.

BREAKING: The ATP and WTA are considering allowing Russian and Belarusian players - currently competing under a neutral flag due to Russia’s ongoing invasion of Ukraine - to compete under the rainbow flag, asexual flag, or a newly-made “wife guy” flag, if they aren’t cowards.