i think that other people have access to an Energy source that i don’t but that’s okay i’m happy for them i do wish that was me though

my friend was like i missed the boat on house md but i'm intrigued by the central relationship can you explain their deal should i watch it? and i had to be like...so first of all you should not watch it and it has aged poorly in every conceivable way, but imagine this...imagine there's a hot funny smart guy who makes you laugh and gets you intellectually and he would kill for you and die for you and ruin everyone's day to make you smile and undergo painful medical procedures for you and hold the door open for you and fold your laundry....but instead of telling you he loves you he psychosexually tortures you for over a decade and makes you trip on a banana peel at least once a week. now imagine there's two of these guys and they're doing this shit to each other

DO NOT go to college for art they will make you paint a bunch of giant pictures & youre gonna spend the next decade of your life avoiding finding a spot for them

im about to catsit next month for a (lovingly) crazy woman who is so deeply obsessed with her cat's care its touching truly. he needs insulin shots and she is telling me that shes going to send voice notes to my phone of her saying "copo! baby! its time for your insulin!" "come here handsome!" "its insulin time sweetie!" so that he feels safe getting his insulin from a stranger. im like girl i love it. i love this

she was telling me yesterday "sometimes i look at him and he looks at me and i feel like we can hear each other's thoughts. is that crazy" and i was like "no of course not"

like if you don’t want to smoke weed with amelia earhart that’s a personal problem that i don’t know how to solve for you

I don't remember finding fart jokes particularly funny even when I was a child.

Five year old me, watching a movie with fart jokes: "Oh, how gauche. They're pandering to the lowest common denominator."

people make jokes about how people who weren’t allowed to watch spongebob as a kid are always talking about how they weren’t allowed to watch spongebob but as one of the aforementioned people who wasn’t allowed to watch spongebob my insight on the matter is: you would not BELIEVE the amount of times spongebob comes up in normal adult conversations. i don’t often think about him of my own accord but people reference him and i have to say. what? and they say. it’s from spongebob?? and i say. oh i never watched spongebob. and they say why? and i say. i wasn’t allowed to. and then a few weeks later it happens again

Some of you need to learn the difference between skinny girls being made to feel insecure about their body from certain people and fat girls being made to feel like their entire life is worthless because of their body size from literally the entire world