i think that other people have access to an Energy source that i don’t but that’s okay i’m happy for them i do wish that was me though

im about to catsit next month for a (lovingly) crazy woman who is so deeply obsessed with her cat's care its touching truly. he needs insulin shots and she is telling me that shes going to send voice notes to my phone of her saying "copo! baby! its time for your insulin!" "come here handsome!" "its insulin time sweetie!" so that he feels safe getting his insulin from a stranger. im like girl i love it. i love this

she was telling me yesterday "sometimes i look at him and he looks at me and i feel like we can hear each other's thoughts. is that crazy" and i was like "no of course not"

like if you don’t want to smoke weed with amelia earhart that’s a personal problem that i don’t know how to solve for you

I don't remember finding fart jokes particularly funny even when I was a child.

Five year old me, watching a movie with fart jokes: "Oh, how gauche. They're pandering to the lowest common denominator."

people make jokes about how people who weren’t allowed to watch spongebob as a kid are always talking about how they weren’t allowed to watch spongebob but as one of the aforementioned people who wasn’t allowed to watch spongebob my insight on the matter is: you would not BELIEVE the amount of times spongebob comes up in normal adult conversations. i don’t often think about him of my own accord but people reference him and i have to say. what? and they say. it’s from spongebob?? and i say. oh i never watched spongebob. and they say why? and i say. i wasn’t allowed to. and then a few weeks later it happens again

Some of you need to learn the difference between skinny girls being made to feel insecure about their body from certain people and fat girls being made to feel like their entire life is worthless because of their body size from literally the entire world

clicking not interested on something used to mean they stopped showing it to you

being mutuals is like we’ve never talked but i saw your vent post and do you want me to kill that person for you. still won’t talk to you tho bc that is scary sorry. love you

yknow the story of odysseus tricking polyphemus by giving him a fake name and then blinding him is great, but i think a lot of people really sleep on the hilarious fact that, after odysseus reveals his name to polyphemus and polyphemus remembers the prophecy that a man named odysseus would blind him, polyphemus is like “WOW when i heard that prophecy i thought odysseus was going to be tall and sexy and strong but turns out you’re just short and an asshole”

spock is like a kinsey 5.5 hes almost entirely attracted to men but diva worship does become sexual for him sometimes thats why hes into uhura obvs