tellYou

07-17-2018 6:11am

A message to a friend.

Awww hun. You can call me if you need to.

I know this feels like the worst thing, but the greatest thing I’ve learned is to enjoy the moments you get with someone, and then when you aren’t quite enjoying the moments, or you can tell they aren’t enjoying the moments anymore, then it’s time to talk about it, and maybe move on.

That does not mean you’re a shitty person or that he’s a shitty person (assuming nobody did anything horrible). Sometimes that’s just how life goes.

Life gives us these amazing people, and we get to share time with them, we get to be there for each other, we get to learn about them and ourselves, and then sometimes life decides they aren’t the person for us anymore. That doesn’t make the loss hurt any less, but most times I feel like people aren’t always meant to be in our lives forever. No matter how much we care about them, when chemistry or compatibility isn’t there, then they just aren’t the one for us anymore.

It’s especially hard when the other person has already decided the fate of the relationship, but that’s a positive thing too if you look at it that way. It’s better to actually know someone is not down for you, to know they don’t want to put in effort with you, than to be strung along and continue to get hurt.

And just because this chapter of your life with him is ending absolutely does not take away the fact that you both once felt something so real and pure. It doesn’t take away the good breaths you both shared, or the laugher you both shared. That was all real. The end just means that those moments in the future are to be shared between you and someone else. A someone who will be better for you at that time in your life.

I will end with this. In your heart you will know if you are meant to be with someone or not. You just have to really listen to it. When something is off, you will feel it. My advice is to just take a few steps back rather than to hold on tighter. If someone is wanting space, give it to them. If you don’t you’ll start to smother them and then they for sure are done.

It is the worst feeling to not be accepted by someone you feel betters you, or by someone you feel you better and also understand, but when someone feels something isn’t for them, then we have to respect that (and vice versa). Sometimes we can’t always put a name to why something isn’t meant to be other than it doesn’t feel right, and that is something we all have to respect. If it doesn’t feel right, then it just doesn’t feel right, and it’s probably time to move on.

I really hope this is all making sense and helping. I care about you so much hun.

I hope maybe this will put you at ease too.

Love,

06-18-2018 12:13AM edited 06-18-2018 10:35pm

Oh my gawd, YES! Answers like this are why I enjoy when people respond. I love thought provoking topics.

I think that is one of the biggest things I struggle with as well. That balance is something I believe is attainable, but it is also something that must be worked on. Let me explain what I mean based on my personal experience.

With anyone I realize I want to start knowing more about, regardless if it’s romantic or not, I’ve noticed my head just wants to learn. I want to know as much about you, your family, what you want in your future, the music you listen to, etc. I want to know what makes you, you. I want to learn how I can support you and how to be a light in your life.

Now, with all of that crazy being said, allllllll of those things are wants that I personally have to actively dial tf back. I’ve realized I cannot force your entire life into a few direct questions. Meshing takes time, but the major key to notice in the beginning of any potential bond is the other person’s willingness to open up and potentially let you be in their life. That’s a key part. You HAVE to understand the energy and role you are WANTING someone to play versus the energy you are actually GETTING. Oof. I’ve messed that up a fewww times.

Communication is the absolute biggest and most important aspect with any form of relationship. It was the demise of my last relationship and it caused some problems for me even last week. If you are not on the same page then someone will be very confused and eventually conflict will occur whether the other is aware of those feelings or not. So, swallow your pride, and then say that sht in your brain you’ve been wanting to ask.

Say you find someone who is right there with you and fits nicely in with your life, I think it’s also important to be aware that once you are attached to someone, and they are attached you to, that things are going to change. I think relationships CAN deviate your plans a little bit. That doesn’t mean you can’t get back on track, but you also have to be aware that involving another person will require some of your energy that you would maybe be putting towards something else. And, do not let that scare you away. Finding your PIC and someone to share your life with is a very beautiful thing. I could be super wrong about all of this, but I know for me that is what happened in my last relationship because he was a valuable priority to me. Being long distance meant I wanted to spend my time in person with him, and that took time away from other areas of my life. I still don’t regret any of that, and I wouldn’t trade any of those moments for anything.

I think you have to be aware that you are ultimately in control of the people you let into your life, and you are in control of the amount of time you focus on them. Also, be aware that with the important relationships, you get out what you put in. You cannot expect people to be there for you if you’re never there for them. Lastly, the best attractions and bonds, romantic or not, are ones you find unexpectedly. Just let life happen a little bit, but also be aware we attract what we focus on. :)

Love,

05-20-2018 6:04PM

Sometimes on cloudy days like this I find myself thinking more about the ones who are no more. It’s not that they’re actually dead, they’re just dead to me.

I once explained to an ex friend who was going through a breakup that it helps to establish a death date for the loved ones who are no longer a part of your life. At that point the person you once knew no longer exists. I like to use the phrase, “A stranger with a familiar face.”

Most times I try not to engage in their lives anymore. I don’t like pictures, I don’t watch stories, I mute them on socials where I can, I stop checking to see what they’re listening to, I stop asking questions about them. For the most part I’ve gotten pretty good at that. Other times I relapse.

For me, it’s extremely hard to forget someone who once meant so much. I struggle immensely with insecure attachments. I struggle with accepting someone is better off without me because I feel I’m one of the most supportive and understanding people. Those who are in my life sometimes express their gratitude for my presence and say it’s rare among my age group. I never disagree with them. At the same time I’ve also learned boundaries when it comes to giving myself and my time.

Over the past month I’ve been in the process of learning how to once again let someone go. The ironic part is that in most cases I’m the one to end the relationship. I just get to a point where I can’t take the lack of consistency or effort and I stand up for myself. It’s one thing to be broken up with and hurt. It’s an entirely different thing to be the one ending the relationship while still caring for the individual, but still choosing sanity and the opportunity to be better without their added stress.

I still don’t understand why I’m like this. I don’t understand how I get to a breaking point where I just can’t keep being there. You know, I always say it’s the other person’s fault in most cases because it just feels like they interact when it’s convenient for them, and that’s selfish, and I’m worth more than that, but at the same time I wonder why all of the people I’ve loved and let go somehow got me to that point? It happens more than I’d like it to and the common denominator is me. So how do I fix that character flaw of mine when I don’t have a diagnosis for it yet?

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last three years, but even more in the past year. I’ve dealt with a lot of demons who have faces and names while others just exist in my headspace on dark days where I listen too closely to my insecurities.

You know, I try to learn a lot about the dynamic I have with my father. Without going into too much detail because even though I want to talk about that topic I know it’s in my best interest to just let most of what happens dissipate. Out of my respect for him whether he deserves it or not I take into account that while he does create a great deal of hurt in my life that many do not know of, he has also fought very hard to create the best life within his ability for his family financially. I realize that takes a toll on a person. I realize having a difficult childhood can harden a person without their knowledge. At the same time I find it very challenging to let someone use excuses for how they treat people. If you do not like something about yourself I truly believe you have the capability to reassess and change yourself in most cases both physically and mentally. That is no one else’s job but your own. I find it heartbreaking to have a middle aged person be content with their ability to upset those closest to them, to not actively repair their hurtful behaviors, and to continue on as if they are never wrong. Also, when they don’t see it as a problem it’s even more difficult to cope with. It’s like he has an addiction to rage and just keeps feeding it. When he gets to a certain point there’s no going back. The darkness lives in his eyes in the moment. His face turns into something I’d describe as a mask of a dog foaming at the mouth. His jaw extends more. The veins in his neck and face bulge. Anyways, that really fucking sucks, and it’s not even just me in the family it affects. I’m just the only one who has to write things down to work out a conclusion to problems. Even my mom said I have a way with words, but who really knows? I feel crazy because I ..

I’ve found it can be quite difficult for me personally to have close relationships with people who eventually start treating me in ways I feel disrespected and hurt by their interactions or lack there of. I suppose that’s why I find it easier to just cut the chord. Also, let it be known that if I ask for you to treat me better and then you fail to do so and I or we stop trying completely, then there’s the answer. I have always spoken up before I’ve let go and at that point it’s already apparent they’re done. I’m still holding on to the kerosine rope and they just lit the match. I can either hold on and continue that pain, or let go, meet the ground, and then eventually pick myself back up.

After my last breakup his mom and I had lunch a week or so later and she mentioned something about it being easier and having less worry once someone is no longer a part of my life and I said I disagreed with that statement. Just because I do not reach out to you anymore by no means actually means I no longer care about you. If anything it feels worse because now there’s no longer that channel for communication.

There are certain people I still think about everyday, several times a day, and I haven’t had any interaction with them for months or years. 1) I’m too stubborn to message or leave any digital sign of caring. 2) I would feel the embarrassment of being rejected wayyyy too much. 3) Sometimes if the universe wills individuals to be together then it’s meant to be. 4) Hun, you gave up first.

I will say this. Recently in just a normal, non aggressive conversation I had with my father he mentioned that he just forgets my younger brother and I exist. He didn’t say that to upset me or get a rise out of me. I could tell he just genuinely does not think of us or about us. He doesn’t check in with us. He did try for a little bit to better our relationship after what happened in November. That’s just how it goes though. It gets bad, it gets better, rinse and repeat.

Now, I’ve always said I have daddy issues and now that I’m older I understand why and why those behaviors and tendencies happen. I can detect why I start feeling or wanting to do things and I now have the ability to remove myself from situations I shouldn’t be in. That’s a good thing. On the flip side it’s a very hard thing have to fight what you want to do even if you know that thing isn’t serving your best interest.

Added 06-09-2018 7:13AM

I’ve noticed it’s a lot more difficult for me to interact with people I first start to care about sometimes. I know there are people who aren’t fans of texting, of being on their phones, etc. With that said I am an expert at thinking the worst when someone doesn’t respond for almost a whole day or several hours. I understand they are busy, and I understand I’m dedicating too much mental energy to this person, and yet I can’t stop, and when there’s that silence my brain automatically says, “They’re done.” It’s just like this cycle of feeling abandoned and then they always message back or sometimes after a day they actually message first, so I feel better, and then bam I feel abandoned. What tha fuxk is that brain?

Grace always calms me down and puts into perspective that it’s all in my head, and she’s right, but damn it takes its toll on me. If I could change one thing about myself right now it would be having the ability to not feel so much distress by giving others that type of power over me. And I know it’s just because I care, I care too much, but sheesh sometimes I think I need to legitimately go to therapy because this is the one area I can’t seem to find a method to get better.

I’ve taught myself how to read situations and how to navigate certain friendships. I’ve learned how to control my anger. I’ve brought myself back from two separate times I was suicidal. S/o to that blue box cutter and those hydros. Fuxk you. I’ve always managed to forgive my father and let him back into my life. I’ve learned how to sacrifice my ego for the sake of curiosity. But conquering my abandonment issues as a whole? Nope. This is my new challenge. I suppose this is good because now I can start researching and figuring out how to reprogram my brain for this too.

I suppose this is where I stop writing. In this moment it feels sort of dry sooooo....

Love,

April 19, 2018 5:24PM

I feel like I’ve been distant from sharing real and meaningful content for a while. Whether that be through playlists, poetry, tumblr posts about some life sht or whatever, I just didn’t feel the need to share. Events were hard to process even with support from those closest to me let alone publishing things on the internet for people who only half know me. I didn’t want questions or sympathy. If I’m being honest my life has been pretty weird since November. I’ve learned to adjust to so many situations, people, and to who I am as a person. I’ve strengthened some friendships, met new incredible people, and I’ve also had to distance myself from others or vice versa.

I started writing poetry and songs when I was 16. In January of 2018 I suddenly was no longer able to write. Writing was always something that would just happen. It’s something I would always wish my brain would turn off. It was annoying. It made me feel weird because I don’t know anyone else who writes like I did. After I poured my heart into the explanation of my playlist series A Slow Death I felt tapped tf out. It’s now been 4 months and I’ve decided that while that massive part of creativity in my life may be over, for now, other areas are starting to breathe.

I think photography and editing is that thing. It’s something I’ve been fundamentally studying, learning, practicing, and now I feel comfortable enough to share. It can be really scary to put your work out for the world to judge. I am aware probably nobody is reading this, listens to the playlists I’ve made, read work I’ve written, etc., but at the same time it in many ways is like opening up my heart and putting it on display for everyone to see. That can be both liberating and terrifying. Will they think I’m crazy? Will they understand what I’m meaning here? What if they think badly of me? Until you have put out work from your soul for anyone to judge I don’t know if you’ll understand. Anyways, back briefly to the topic, to me, photography is like capturing a mini story or evoking a mood. I’m good at moods--creating them and controlling them. That’s why I love music so much.

That’s another thing. I have such a love hate relationship with music. Playlists can become journals to me. That’s why I always write the date and time they were created. I used to write phrases in their descriptions to summarize what was going on in my life while still being all cryptic or moody. Sometimes, I go through periods where I really hate music—certain artists, albums, songs, or playlists. It hurts too much. The memories hurt too much. Other times I’m able to step back and reminisce responsibly, but those people and memories never truly fade. It just takes time to find that peace.

I stopped doing my weekly Love Waves playlist series because I felt so detached from the music and who I had been when I was first excited about creating the series. It really hurt to say goodbye to that series. It really hurt to release that three part playlist series. It hurt, but I felt strong if that makes sense. In November I had to really learn to stick up for myself and unfortunately that carried over into other aspects of my social life.

I’ve realized I’m not good with closure. I’ve realized even when I should walk away from people who affect my mental health negatively, more than positively, I struggle to do so. I can’t just walk away no matter how much the other person has hurt me. Ask my father. I like solving problems. I always want to work things out. Family and people I treat like family are a high priority even when they don’t treat me with that same level of respect. However, I have grown to be much better at recognizing connections that have gone sour and letting that energy dissipate. There’s no hard feelings, there’s no gaping hole in my heart, there’s just progression for everyone.

I’ve learned how to be alone and not feel lonely. I’ve learned to see as much good in a situation as possible. I’ve learned to read the atmosphere in different types of relationships. I’ve learned when to fight. I’ve learned when it’s best to let go.

Anyways, I feel kind of alive again. I’m still in a mixed up kind of life right now where things are still a little uneasy, but at the same time things are much better. I have no clue what all content I will start sharing again. I have no clue where I will be sharing this content. All I know is that I enjoy expelling things from my brain, and I hope along the way maybe you find an interest in what I have to offer.

Holy crap-i-oli that was long. I haven’t written like that in a while.

“This is what moving on sounds like.”

23 hours 56 minutes

January 6, 2018 6:11PM

Part 1 - A Dangerous Concoction (August 2016- January 2017)

“Took our playlist and made it into A Dangerous Concoction. It bides my time while I stay being an option. xx. 11-27-16 8:44AM … Honey, I’m Home“

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/2k8XJQTkcNPJEpkMfdNQrm

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/1-a-dangerous-concoction/pl.a176d3774ded4c7c9a2c7cd5d8333a9f

Part 2 - Honey, I’m Home (February 2017 - May 2017)

“…but I’ve never felt more alone. Idk what’s in this, but it’s reminiscing A Dangerous Concoction. xx. 02-27-17 9:47AM”

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/54gnCdpQrRtr23Qock5v23

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/2-honey-im-home/pl.u-zPyLq6vudz8NGJ

Part 3 - Brick Walls And No Voicemails (June 2017 - January 2018)

“Sounds are bouncing off your silence. I feel the change. I feel the Brick Walls And No Voicemails. I don’t know who you are anymore hun. xx. 11-24-17 8:14AM”

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/ericajones10/playlist/0hNrA8WUaljTZkMIBqL4We

Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/3-brick-walls-and-no-voicemails/pl.u-zPyLvMRCdz8NGJ

Series Description:

November 22, 2017 8:36AM edited November 26, 2017 8:17AM January 5, 2018 2:26PM January 6, 8:53PM

This is an era. More importantly it feels like the ending of an era and the beginning of a new one. I’m not going to lie and say this comes out of nowhere. It doesn’t. I wish is did. It stems from one of the most wavy, complicated, emotional, exhausting, and deepest connections I’ve ever felt for another person. And ya know, we were never even together. Yeah, I hate how attached I got too.

I feel like a broken record having to explain all of this so please enjoy this brief summary.

August 2016 - We were just friends hanging out.

September 2016 - We matched on Tinder (smh haha). Complicated, but you were honest about being involved with two other girls. It didn’t hurt. I wanted to help you through it. I wanted you to be happy. I didn’t even want you to pick me.

October 2016 - A slight distance. I met someone.

November 2016 - You’re back, but I met another someone.

December 2016 - You’re still here, that someone broke my heart, you talked me through it. You sent me your G👀fy Songs playlist. You said you’re too quiet for me. You said you need a lot of time to yourself still. I realized I loved you.

January 2017 - You made me a 7hr playlist titled xx. on January 6th that I listened to on repeat and pretended you were by my side while I was on vacation. I got back and that was the last time we really spoke.

February 2017 - You faded, I faded, I went back to an old someone.

March 2017 - You came back, release nights made me feel alive again, you watched my fish for me, I talked to you for first time since January, your eyes changed.

April 2017 - You died, I almost died.

May 2017 - I invited you to my graduation party, you came, your eyes were back, it went awful when all I wanted to do was talk to you.

June 2017 - I let you go, I still miss you.

July 2017 - You sent me an album, and we started talking again.

August 2017 - We saw Logic on the 12th and you stayed the night at my brother’s house. I told you I was letting go, but I’d always be there if you needed me.

September 2017 - You played guitar. We eventually FaceTimed and had one of the best conversations I’ve ever had with you. It felt good. You started sexting me. That was a new dynamic to our whatever.

October 2017 - I got to spend a few hours with you while you studied for a test. On my birthday you made a sex joke in my dms. How special. You left me on read that night. We talked about Marc. E. Bassy’s album Gossip Columns a week later.

November 2017 - You commented on my snap story saying “tease = no fun” but we hadn’t talked for about a month. I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t. I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know how. It really felt over this time.

December 2017 - I told you happy birthday. You sent me a dick pic out of nowhere on Christmas Eve morning saying you finally had the courage since you didn’t send one on my birthday (my birthday was in October). I told you I loved you. I told you you aren’t allowed to do sht like that to me anymore.

January 2018 - A Slow Death is released the same day as the 7hr playlist you made for me last year titled “xx.” A poetic ending, right? Do you maybe understand now how it kind of could feel complicated and weird to me now?

I realized I loved him in December of 2016. I kept waiting for a good time to tell him I loved him. Fuck, I told him how much I cared about everything relating to his health, his friends, family, and academics countless times. You know, I finally told him I loved him at the exact same time I told him he wasn’t allowed to pull anymore sht.

I don’t know how to relationship, but I loved him in all the ways I knew how to—by being thoughtful, respectful, open, honest, understanding, supportive, and by just being there to talk to or listen without being told and with acceptance.

I don’t know how many girls would stick around after times you’ve told them you’re with multiple other people. And when I say stick around I mean be there for you as friends. I don’t know how many girls would only want the best for you even if that meant not being with them. I don’t know how many girls you can talk to about sleeping with other girls and still not get mad or jealous. I was one of those girls. I understood without judgment or pain or envy. Ohhhkkkkaaaayyyy maybe a little pain sometimes. That is how much I cared. If that was what you felt you needed to do then I was only glad you felt safe enough to share aspects of your life with me. I never wanted to own you or control you.

We were never a physical pair, but we were fucked up in other ways.

Playlist 1: When you were here. So many of the songs you sent me and the songs I sent you are in here. This is what we sound like.

Playlist 2: The start of our separation. Your song presence is starting to fade a bit because you aren’t around much anymore. This is what it sounds like as I cope.

Playlist 3: The end. This is what it sounds like now that you aren’t here. You’re there faintly, but it’s mostly me. This is what moving on sounds like.

You know, still even in times I’ve got something really serious going on in my life I want to talk to you about it, but then I take a step back and realize if you were someone I could really talk to then it wouldn’t be so difficult to conjure up words only to never hit send. Most times I can’t even find words. I think that’s how I know it’s over. You were always the one to not speak, and now that’s both of us.

I still want you to excel in every area of life: socially, spiritually, academically, athletically, romantically. Yes, I know people probably do not understand why I would want all of these things to go extremely smooth and painlessly for you, but I do, I always have, and always will. There was never a single moment in all of the hurt you caused me that I wanted anything but the best of the best for you.

I think that’s love. I don’t know. All I know is that songs used to come on and I’d think of you. I used to wonder if you’d heard them, but I didn’t know how to reach out and send them to you anymore. I doubt you would’ve listened anyways.

The entire subject of chemistry makes me think of you because of that organic chem class you took last year. Certain cars bring your memory to surface. However, I can’t see your eyes and your dopey smile in my head anymore. I can’t see your facial expression from that night I fell asleep on your floor when your friends left and you were worried about your health. I can’t see your facial expression after a race and you weren’t pleased with the outcome. I can’t see the look on your face as we do face masks and it was getting hard on your face. I can’t see the look on your face as we put aluminum foil on your ears to see if getting them pierced would make you look dumb. But ya know, I do see the look on your face when I see the pics you post on Instagram. I don’t recognize that look or those eyes or that smile. It feels foreign. And I’m not even mad, it just means you changed. Change doesn’t have to mean bad, it just means different. I changed too. I’ve changed a lot for the better. It’s just unfortunate this different you isn’t something I’d like to be around much anymore. Who knows, maybe my head is just making you appear to be more toolish and worse than you actually are. Idk.

I’ve seen you grow as a person. I’ve seen phases where it appears you’ve regressed, and I’ve seen periods of time where you have bounced back and excelled. Throughout everything I still see all the potential for greatness I know is within you. My only hope for you is that you never lose sight of it. You used to always post song lyrics (which I knew about 80% of them), but I genuinely hope you don’t let people or a circumstance get you off track. And if they do, I hope you are able to notice and learn from your experience.

I won’t be there to witness your successes and failures anymore, but I hope you learn and progress from every situation. There isn’t another person in this world I wouldn’t bet money on to succeed. (Ohkay, there are but you get what I mean.) That isn’t me placing all these expectations on you, because I learned months and months ago I could never rely on you, but that is me knowing in my being that you are going to do great things in this world. Now that, is something I truly believe.

I always talked too much when we were together and when I noticed that and stopped you said you liked to listen. I don’t know why I remember that, but I do. I don’t know why you used to listen to me. I used to babble on about dumb things all the time. Jk, I still talk too much. It’s a shame you don’t know me anymore, but I know it’s for the best.

Hun, I really loved you. However, I think I’ve finally let you go. You don’t seem to have quite as much influence on what I do anymore. I don’t wonder what’s going on in your life as much. I kind of want my book back though. And $5 says you haven’t even read it in the 4 months you’ve had it haha.

That’s another thing I realized. There are people who would do anything for me at anytime. There are people who want to have deep conversations with me. There are people who share my fascination for life and people. There are people who send me albums and song links. Those people also do not make me feel worthless. I used to feel like we had this unexplainable connection and that is why I stuck around, but after stepping out I’ve realized those connections exist with other people as well. You only opened up my eyes. You made me feel something. You inspired me in countless ways in various areas of my life. After blinking a few times I’ve realized everything is still there, but you just aren’t in sight anymore. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just different.

There are new phases within the last playlist. There are sub-stories. I don’t know if anyone will pick up on them. I’ve been in an exceptionally good place with myself for a few months now despite all of the sht going on within my family, but for the first time I’m not scared. I’m not worried. I’m not concerned with anything but keeping my internal peace and watching the people I love thrive just as much as I.

You taught me one of the greatest lessons of my life. If something makes you cry more than smile then it is time to actively move on. Thank you for this lesson among the many others. Life for the most part has always been pretty litt, but now it feels really fuckin bright.

Love, -E xx.

but really neither of us fucking know what we ever want soo eh

This was all heavily inspired by New Balance by Jhene Aiko Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/0PYmO55JPwEWgtyJbkN6mq Apple Music: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/new-balance/id1287187834?i=1287188682

October 11, 2017 10:33PM edited October 12, 2017 7:25AM 12:10PM 1:03PM 1:44PM & October 13, 2017 12:37AM 8:18AM 5:53PM 7:34PM

There are times at night I wish I was there with you Times I fight for your attention, I would ride with you I would lie with you I would die with you But it’s never enough for you Who knew?

You have the power to fuck up my head You have the power to keep me in bed You have the power to speak but never say what needs to be said Oooo Yes you do

And I get too caught up in your details Every success and every fail Hands in the air as we let go of the rail Hanging on to the seconds as we sail Through hurricanes that hit me so hard But when I need saving you’re always too far If you called me up I’d put miles on my car I fell asleep on your floor that night you felt like a dying star Cuz that’s who we are I stay, you dart You like, I heart And that’s hard It’s the hardest part Oooohhh

You kill me inside when you say nothing at all How can you fill me so full and make me feel small? Effort is lacking but I still give you a call Wasting my breath when I start standing tall And it’s all It’s all for you

I ask myself what I did wrong But I know that’s you who did me wrong I think of you and I can’t believe I look at you and can’t find air to breathe Hope and potential can keep you alive but it’s killing me And all you say is you’re not ready Oooo

Ready for what? Ready for your all to be given in love? Cuz I’m laying in your bed and I still have a drive home But one second with you is better than a day of being alone

I’m not here to make you change I’ve seen you grow but you still act the same I told you I loved you by sticking around in every way

How many girls did you tell that they weren’t the only one? How many girls only rode with you just for fun? And I’m stuck here on a burner for real You started sending snaps, what’s the deal? You feeling thirsty for a snack when I’m a whole meal? No, I get it, you don’t know what you feel You’re just filling your curiosity by using me, I see

When do I say enough is enough? When do I leave because I am not enough? When do I cry because I feel too much? When do I call it quits instead of just bluff? Cuz I’m done So done

But as soon as I say that and I give it some time One of us caves and hits the other’s line We always do that shit but never call each other mine It’s not, but I’ll say that it’s fine We’re swerving everywhere with no sign The end of our friendship would feel like a fatal crime I’m on defense but you’re in the zone every time Ooooo What am I to do?

I tear myself apart trying to figure you out And I don’t even know the taste of your mouth I give you so much mental space And we don’t even date You make it hard not to complicate What the fuck is our fate? You admitted to breaking me down Why would you do that everytime and still stick around?

And today I forgot about you for a few hours The taste was bitter but sweet is the new sour I watched as the water fell and left the drain in the shower He makes me laugh and buys me flowers But when I look in his eyes I sink back to yours for an hour Or two What am I supposed to do? We pass like the phases of the moon Until distractions come around and make us feel new And then they disappear and we talk about it because we always stay too honest with truth

Love, -E xx.

Deleted phrases *** How have I not proved you’re above them all? *** And you’re a slow death killing me *** Despite all of this I still can not leave Please, please answer will you ever grow to love me? I accept it but I struggle because I don’t see Why you’ll never want us to be a we? *** I want to do, nothing with you I want nothing, to do with you But I lied Yes I’ve tried I mind ***

Ready to give more to me than just enough? *** I’d break you in all of your divine *** And that would kill me *** I get lost in you starin’ Moments too few I can’t help but hit replay, blarin’ Yoooouuuu Oooooo *** We both used to fuck around but we never fuck off We just comeback in a few weeks like a bad cough *** All because I see you growing and your potential I feel Is too great and you just try to hide it Leave me alone or fess up and stop denyin’ Why do we remind me of Hank and Karen? We mess up and tell the other cuz we’ll always be there *** It was strange when your dad liked a pic on my birthday Kind of like when your mom was taking our picture and I didn’t know what to say So I just smiled and pretended I was okay But my head was screaming to run away *** I lash when I’m scared and you just walk by *** Snaps in the air at night while we flash south Lights everywhere while we never figure anything out *** I know I’m not a pretty face And you don’t complain

*** Because I feel whole when I think of a future at your side And I don’t see a future where we grow together and hide From a world tearing us down just so we slack off and abide *** You say you don’t play them but I know you like games Cuz I’ve been right here for too long and we stay the same I remember that time you said there were two of us plus your ex __ I used to see you liking pictures, there were so many names Filters and skin with captions cliche I am all of those and empty but you still have nothing to say But speaking has never been your specialty

*** I sent that I miss you And you left again then too *** And his tongue has this power*** Breaking us down but I feel safe in your eyes Omissions in silence is your comfort in lies And I dieI shouldn’t have to live that in life You kill me inside Everytime Why Why You say you’re shy And I say I’m fine Everytime ***

Love, -E xx.

September 27, 2017 12:44AM 1:34AM 8:19AM I wanna do unspeakable things with you in a running shower while we wash away our minds until the heat runs dry and we sigh as cold air welcomes us to your bedside. I wanna be alone with you and the stars on a backroad as you grab my backside while we hide from the universe together in a playlist with songs I’ll hate to hear when you break my heart again. I wanna be found in your arms as I get lost in your eyes on nights we stay up too late talking about plans we’ll never make because life’s a thrill but you’re too chill to kill moments with me. I wanna talk about your day over call because texts are lame and drive me insane because there was a time I used to hate your name and it’s been changed so many times but the feeling still stays the same. I wanna feel you feeling me with the lights on so I can see every inch of how my time is being spent. I wanna be with you in moments of despair to breathe the same air because life’s not fair but you don’t care when the tables are turned, and I’m forced to learn how to deal with your absence on my own terms, until you return. I wanna make sure you understand I don’t mind a single sad moment until the moment leaves and takes you with it and I’m forced to sit in a silence so familiar nothing can drown it away. I wanna say your middle name when you anger me and make you see I’m not here for a project to fix you up like the others want because you breathing is enough. I wanna love you in ways you never saw coming like out by that sign near the middle of nowhere, messing up my hair, I just need to be reassured you’re listening and care. I wanna be on the same page of our poetry as unsure moments with you turn into only a few because you never leave, hoping silence never flows like the songs written with your name in bold, but now I’m fucked up at ten because this was something I said please don’t do, but look at you going and doing it again. I wanna blow you off so you lose your top like all the nights I lost mine surrounded by lights with my window open in November snow when I knew I had to let you go but never found the time to slap you goodbye. I wanna blank out any uncertainty when it comes to you and me as we drive around the city with flashing cars listening to artists spit bars and it’s hard to keep loving you in reality when you are a figment of something I created when my mentality clung to something I saw or felt in a time I told myself not to.

Love,

…well that escalated.

You still annoy me, but I don’t mind for now.

I’m not worried anymore.

You’ll forget about me again soon enough hun.

September 17, 2017 1:34AM

I guess you realize you're really done with someone when you see their face or name then just think, "Eh, you kinda really annoy me now," and then proceed on with your life without trying to figure a damn thing more about them. Like, deuces, it was litt, loved you too much, and for too long, good luck with life, slay that shit, now please don't pop up on my socials. I don't want to see your notification because you bring down my day and suck the optimism out of my being. Kiss kiss. K bye. xx. No, just me?🤷‍♀️

Love,

September 13, 2017 10:12PM

Even when I trash you in my writings just know it's out of love. If I didn't care, you wouldn't still be on my mind. Congrats, you live in my head bb.

Love,

Why you callin when we're not good? You'd take it back if I said you could Believe the distance like you know you should Baby it's done, understood? And you keep coming back here Like you're welcome But we both know that ain't true Man I hate you Pull my hair like you do Push you back Now baby come thru Leave my place before 2 Now leave my line alone Until I'm feeling alone Until I hit your phone Then you come make me moan Baby When you leave I'll sit back and reflect In the morning, cover the kisses on my neck Remember why I left For a few weeks keep to myself And then I get a bad case of amnesia Liquored up anesthesia Caught up where I can't keep it straight Late at night I think of your face And your name, all the time We keep going in circles Circle back hoping for miracles I don't get why we can't let this die Let us die another time All because You tried to get one past me Out of town with her on our anniversary But you sent a text, complimentary I'm not crazy, baby And you thought you were so smooth One plus one equals two Add her, makes a few I fucked you like a fool That morning I didn't feel cool Finding her panties wasn't cool What's wrong with you? I've met your mama And we clicked Coincidentally, conscious, excuses making me sick Thinking you were quick "Come here and let me hold you" "You should calm down" "You're making up things" Why would you say those things to me? There was a time we had each other's back And then I get a bad case of amnesia Liquored up anesthesia Caught up where I can't keep it straight Late at night I think of your face And your name all the time We keep going in circles Circle back hoping for miracles I don't get why we can't let this die Let us die one more time We were tied but never doubled Bailed each other out when we were troubled Pick ups, when we stumbled You fucked her, we crumbled You raised your arms and let us go White flags surrendered, you let her know Then she fucked you right in our bed Could smell her perfume when I laid my head So I left again for a couple months I could feel part of myself dying You were a new form of disrespect Even though you were the one who sent me a text Asking "baby can we please just talk?" I was so dumb for that walk Back up my stairs that I pay for Opened the locks to my door Dropped bags on my floor Then we talked for hours about days we lost But there was a difference in the look of your eyes It took her coat in the corner to burn your lies, into my skull City highs on cityscapes New eyes on new dates Four eyes in sheets late One game two fates I walked out from what I knew Took some time while I grew You were here then you weren't And you know it's cuz you lied But I still look good in the mirror Whether or not you're here And you're not so I'm better I found one that makes me wetter Ya girl ain'tcha girl, she's a go getter Come with me Cold sweater As I walk on city streets That stay busy Ooo I stay busy Do you wish you could kiss me? Do you miss me? And I've got a bad case of amnesia Liquored up anesthesia Caught up where I can't keep it straight Late at night I think of your face And your name all the time We keep going in circles Circle back hoping for miracles I don't get why we can't let this die Let us die for the last time

Love,

I really need this distance It's weird I crave it for instance There was a time I thought I'd die if I never got a text Used to have a heart attack when I'd see your face, then next I became fucking depressed and perhaps perplexed By the fact you're a fighter never fighting for me Kept it so quiet, I saw a future where I didn't breathe The universe is my home but from earth I had to leave How the fuck could that be? I was too sick to see That you were too messed up and I, I needed to work on me I was crushed and confused, leaving, longing, and gone You were here, then you weren't, but you left a playlist with songs And I knew I loved you for months and never told you so When April hit, I said you were dead, and you didn't need to know I used to cry myself to sleep pretending you cared But nothing speaks louder than breathing the same air If you feel something is off then it was never there I'm not even mad anymore, life isn't fair And you know I still fucking love you, but not in that same light I only got love for you but not with all of my might Let's keep our communication with occasional likes I don't crave your presence when it's day or night Shimmering shakes and new found mates I still think of chemistry, by stars, and lakes But I'm really vibin' with this silence that you've been rocking for months I'll always be here, but I don't think of you as I do what I want And I know I'm a broken record always writing about you I hate it too I'm moving on slowly until I find another muse Until then just know you'll live forever in the words I choose You're the subject of songs I know you'd listen to Funny how it comes full circle without having a clue

Love,

You let our differences divide

Never willing to speak or let us grow with time

Apart from everything I learned you’ve got problems, I’ve got them too

But I realized I was willing to help and that’s something you’d never do

Fucked up and forget about it, forget about me


You like my shit on the internet but a text I hardly see


Corresponding lines, we never messed up sheets


Periodic tables “with love” for sakes to keep


Locked up little losers, a mentality making much to blame


It’s funny how I almost sacrificed myself but you never came


Let’s throw it back to that time when aluminum was on your ears


When you left town post invite I hit the highway drowning in tears


You never really saw all the shit you fucked me up with


And I realize I’m a little insane, and not innocent


You taught me a lot about what not to do


I only wish I could’ve known these lessons before you

I've always had a lover's mentality You fucked me up You were my favorite fatality Said over here, just come Please don't love me You're not the only one Terrified and tripping I used to cry myself to sleep I would've given anything just to see you breathe But you'd come and you'd go Inconsistent, but I know "I'm not the one, for you, please no" But then you'd call or send a text Messing with my brain like some ex

Love,

August 22, 2017 7:55PM

A message to a friend.

Hey, I’m in this weird philosophical mood right now and I just wanted to say I hope your health is doing well, and I hope you murder your classes with excellence. We aren’t super close anymore and I’m doing better with that adjustment, but just know I will always be here for you in all of the highs and lows you are willing to share with me while you grow in life. Now go fuxk up yo junior year with greatness, ****. K bye :)

Love, -E xx.