Note to Self

sometimes you have to experience something to know you don't like it. And the real lesson of the story is if your initial thought is no, stand on that no cause if you decide to go through it anyway you'll realize why you didn't want to in the first place.

Context: I have been in a relationship for about 7 months now. We have had history prior to us getting together but decided to official. At the time she had a girlfriend then broke up with her. I asked her multiples "are y'all done talking to each other?", she assured me that she had nothing else to say to her. I believed her, but over the next few months I kept seeing signs that they were still talking and possibly meeting up, which would be lying and cheating, but it's hard to prove gut feelings. To this day I believed she was cheating but dumping her off assumptions would be wrong, especially if I was wrong about the assumptions.

Now to the story of the submission. We're now in a long distant relationship which we talked about being cool with but now I'm realizing I don't too much care for this. So I've been looking for someone local to mess with and came across someone on a dating app. I say someone because the profile said non-binary, but also she, and I'm just like how can you be both one thing and nothing at the same time? I've always heard that that community treats cis men like we have some sort of plague that will contaminate them or that we're walking abominations, and when one tries to mess with one of them it's either unsuccessful or regretful. In my case it's regretful.

Not only was it all these pronouns, add being autistic, some condition called did, was also in a relationship but with a tgirl, and pushing over 300+lbs. I added the weight in because all I have ever dealt with was fat women and just want to try someone under 200lbs just once. Besides being coupled and having those conditions and pronouns I never encountered, the weight alone should have been my cue to fall back, especially since it was bigger than my girlfriend. I guess at this point I didn't care about any of that and just wanted to experience something different and didn't want to let some conditions get in the way of something that might be good.

We met up at my place cause her tgirl dropped her off, and that's when I was told that her tgirl started transitioning this year and couldn't get hard anymore. I thought about poly and enm and felt like I see the benefits from those dynamics more than an monogamy dynamic, but when I was getting told this story it sounded like her partner wasn't hitting nor eating it right as a man nor a woman, seems like they agreed she could seek it elsewhere.

That first day I told her my situation and explicitly asked her "so you're okay with the fact that I have a girlfriend?", she proceeds to say "I'm fine with it. I have a girlfriend, you have a girlfriend, we're just 2 people with girlfriends", and laughed. If this was you in this situation you would think everything is cool right? Cause that's what I thought. I really didn't want to have sex with her so I just fingered her and used a toy on her. After it's done she says she's never been that wet before and never been fingered that good before. I'm one of those guys who take pride in making a girl cum so I'm not used to hearing someone say things like that before and I ask why is that to which se claims she doesn't know. Then says that this the first time she's been fingered without it burning or bleeding afterwards.

I'm like that's not what's supposed to happen at all. It don't even sound like you be turned on. Then she's questioning if that really is true. I'm like "how you felt tonight should be how you feel every time. burning is crazy". She said she don't say anything cause she likes when her tgirl touches her and she likes making her tgirl feel good even when she doesn't. she almost in her mid 20s and they been together since age 17. That made me think of how many relationships are really like this because that is sad. That's the only reason I changed my mind about fucking her, not to be on some savior shit, but because it seemed like she been missing out on a good session of sex.

After that night she just kept asking when can she come back, too persistent to the point that it felt like harassing a little. I understood why she wanted to come back asap but at the same time it had me a little uncomfortable, like almost begging.

A few days later she comes back and I thought I wanted to but I still kind of didn't, but I guess I had what she feels when messing with her tgirl, I'd rather give her what she wants even if I'm not interested in giving it. Even though I didn't cum from the sex my post nut clarity kicked in and I instantly regretted it for so many reasons. It seems like if you let women tell it, if she's turned then there's no such thing as receiving bad sex from a woman. She asked me what I liked having done to me and I told her, she didn't do any of it. That didn't make sense to me cause she said she likes to be bossed around so I ordered her to do those things and she still didn't. I told her I don't like pillow princesses, if you're just going to lay and take at least touch me or grab on to me, that only happened when I told her to. She got one of those mouths with tiny lips, the kind where if you see a woman with them you just know she'll catch an attitude with you just for existing. I felt nothing but teeth and when she'd try to go all the way down it felt like her gagging made her want to bite down whenever she'd try to take it out.

So after a while I just got tired of having sex so I faked it, and said to her that you barely did any of the things I told you I liked having done to me and her excuse was she never had my size before so it was a lot going on. I'm only 7.9in but given that she said her tgirl is only 4in on a good day I understood her point. I was just being quiet with my thoughts like why the hell did I just do this knowing that I wouldn't like it. Then she asks if my girlfriend knew about her. I told her no and that because I'm breaking that off, which she knew. Then her follow up was "how would she feel if she found out about this?" I said I wouldn't care because we're not being together, and as of the time of this post we're not together.

Then her whole mood changed and instantly asked her tgirl to get her. Now I'm over here confused because a couple days ago we were good and on the same page. She left so abruptly that she didn't even put her shoes back on and went out barefoot and didn't even want to look at me. Later that night my dumbass hits her back up trying to do damage control for reasons I do not understand. She's like she doesn't want to be a homewrecker and that she thought I was enm like her. Mind you I told her I'm on the verge of breaking up hence why I was on the app to begin with. There is no home being wrecked. Then she messages back saying her tgirl don't want her talking to me anymore but thanks for the pounding.

I communicated and was straight up about everything from the beginning yet was still misconstrued? How does that work?

Then I seen her make a post saying after dealing with a man for the first time (huh?), she not sure if she's attracted to them. Mind you she kept giving me endless compliments about how attractive I was to her, looks and beyond. I think I'm good on the lgbtq+ club.