Team Amberica: World Police

your advertising department should have given a little more thought to how the average american would view this spot.  i'm glad the ice cream and the lady "love being rich".  good for them.  in my freezer, it'll be mayfield, edy's, blue bell or purity.  the rich lady can eat the blue bunny.

click here for the original commercial if you've forgotten.

need an example?  click here.  yeah.  i think i've made my point.

me - "ok.  cool.  i just had pasta for lunch.  oh - i'm sorry.  i thought we were telling each other things that recently happened.  i mean, you can't expect me to be able to help you because THERE'S 20 FUCKING PEOPLE WHO WORK IN THIS OFFICE AND I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHO CALLED YOU!  are you that fucking desperate for a phone call that you curse the fact you didn't answer in time and immediately hit 'redial'?  do you not know that if they really wanted to talk to you that they'd actually leave you a voice mail or are you too fucking lazy to check your messages?  call back when you know who you're calling and no, i won't wipe your ass for you either."

i want to feel this - and i want someone to feel it about me.  come on - is that too much to ask?!?  eh - probably.

you drink too much one night.  you fall asleep in your makeup.  you wake up late.  do your eyes look like raccoon eyes?  hells no!  thank you urban decay.  thank you eyeshadow primer.  yesterday's makeup looks passable.  you might smell of vodka with dirty hair and bags under your eyes, but your eye makeup?  not that bad.

with each passing day, i hate people in this town even more. although, i have to give it to them - they’re not pretending to be anything they’re not. they’re not pretending to generally care about you. they’re not pretending that they want to be friends. they’re trying to impress you - and they make it very apparent. the problem? i don’t give a shit. i don’t care that your sister’s hairdresser made out with the guy who mows john rich’s yard and you’re convinced that’s your “in”. i don’t care that 5 years ago you went to the same gym as the avett brothers and now you tell people that you're best friends. i don’t care that in college, you once drunkenly made out with kesha and now you tell people that she’s your occasional booty call. i don’t care about the irrelevant and/or no-talent ass-clown you’re working with who you’re convinced will be the next toby keith. breaking news! john rich isn’t going to “see” something in you and make you a star. the avett brothers have no idea who you are and don’t care. ditto kesha. and, in what might be the understatement of the year, toby keith sucks. you know what impresses me? a good personality. a sense of humor. integrity. talent. good taste. passion. a soul. you don’t have any of those things. you are a douchebag. when you talk out of your ass, it smells of shit. i don’t hate you because i choose to hate you. you make me hate you.

Be sure to watch Jon Benjamin Has A Van tonight at 10:30 on Comedy Central! 

That's gonna be the name of my punk rock band. We're anti-establishment. We drink and smoke a lot. We cause ruckuses. We're badasses who just don't care. Iggy Pop is one of our biggest fans. Rock.

since my last post was incredibly bitchy - here's my 180.  animals being dicks.  it's self explanatory.  i find this way funnier than i probably should.  enjoy.  and, you're welcome.

speaking of, i have a vintage bottle of debbie gibson's electric youth perfume.  it's on ebay for $400.  place your bids now.