Finding My Way In Wonderland

If I had known the last words I said to you, would be the last, I would have spoke a little longer. If I had known the last embrace I had in your arms would be the last, I would have held on for hours. If i had known the last time i would hear you say “i love you with all me heart” was the last, I would have recorded it. If I had known that I would lie awake at night missing you due to someone else’s evil heart, I would have shielded you somehow. But instead I lie awake some nights and you run through my mind. All the regrets and things I wish I could have done plague me even though I know they shouldn’t. I don’t try to let the fact that you have been taken from me run my life but there are some days/nights that I just can’t help it. I miss and love you so much Judi Deavers and I hope and pray we get answers one day. 💚🩵

Love,

Where is the surface?

Where is the light?

Help please.

Tells people about bodies found.

But none of them have lead to you.

You have not been found.

I wish I knew why.

I wish I knew where you were put.

I wish I knew what he did to you and with you.

There has to be an answer.

There has to be a clue.

There’s someone who knew.

So I watch and wait.

Hoping and praying for an end.

Hoping that someone comes across you.

I wish that the memory/trauma would quit tearing me apart.

I hide it well but on the inside I’m screaming.

And my reality is almost always as if I am dreaming.

This nightmare I live where you have been taken has me stopping to think if I was mistaken.

I keep trying to wake up and see that it’s not real.

But it’s not possible, and it’s something that has to be concealed.

If I speak about her, I’m told to move on.

But I can’t do that knowing that she’s actually gone.

I’ll always love her & keep her close.

Praying and waiting.

Hoping and waiting

But for what?

An answer?

For closure?

For an end?

My life will never be the same.

No matter what happens.

But I do want this to end.

I want to know what happened.

So I sit and wait.

I pray and I wait.

Sitting in the dark shadow of your sin

not knowing if you will ever give in.

Needing answers and peace

but you have kept them out of reach.

Just give in we pray,

hoping that one day you will pay.

Your soul is as dark as night

knowing that you took a life without a fight.

Holding on to a secret that we hope one day you will tell,

but living life as if one day you wont be in hell.

Judgement day will come one way or another

Can I just say, that no one cares about anyone else’s problems? I mean who are we kidding here....no one wants to hear about how your day is actually going. If I told you how many times I have lied about how my day was going it would be an astronomical number at this point. I just sent a message to Fox News to try and get a story for my mom put out and its sad that I have to even do that at this point. But the reality of it is, we will probably never know what happened to my mom. There will never be peace in my heart regardless because whoever took her from me has been running around living life as if he hadnt taken one. There are days that I miss her so bad that I cannot stand it. The cycle of grief has become the new normal for me and my family and no one, absolutely no one, should ever have to feel this pain, anger, sadness, and pure agony of loosing someone you love and not having any answers as to when, how, where or the main question WHO is the worst part. 

Baby steps, thats what I have been taking lately. There are days where I still feel as if I dont belong in this city, job, or even life that I have been handed. In the time since I last posted there have been alot of moments and experiences that have altered my everyday thinking or feelings. Of course, that is with everyones life but for me, these were a little more significant. Having thoughts that this world would be better off without you in it, that is not a thought or feeling that is pleasant for one, but also that no one should ever have to live with. I have PTSD you see, and well it is an ongoing battle everyday. If you have read any of my other posts on here you will have noticed that my mother has been missing for almost 6 years now which in this lifetime will forever be a obstacle that I face everyday. Even if they were to find her someday, I will always carry the weight and pain that comes with it. As far as the thoughts I have had, I knew that I didnt want to leave this earth, so I took charge and took control. People have their own opinions about everything but for me when it comes to doctors and therapy, I believe if you have the correct providers it is more than rewarding in the end. I am much much better now that I have gotten a medication that works for me so if I were to give any advice for situations like this, it is not shameful in anyway to seek help. As far as fitting in, that is something that I have to work on with myself. Coming from a small town with not alot of traffic or people, and coming to this place where everyone lives luxuriously and well-off is intimidating. My car is not good enough in this town, my style, my accent, and just everything about me seems to be beneath everyone here. Even though this may not be true, there are moments where it seems as if this is the absolute truth. When I moved here It was the best decision I could have made considering I came here to live with the love of my life, but all the change at one time from moving, and getting a new job as well as being in new towns was alot on my heart. I left where I grew up with my mama and all the memories from my childhood. Not to mention, I left my dad and the rest of my family behind to start my own journey and although it is mature and time for this, it was the scariest thing I have ever done.

Always,