my sacred place

i totally am.

i just realized i am happy,

but it cost my boyfriend's happiness to do so.

I take what's his,

to make mine.

and i think it's sad because i cant be happy by myself,

i was a liar,

but the truth is

that shouldve been me.

maybe in another life we fight all day, kiss all night

oh great, another break up.

it all started to make sense, I realized why you wouldn't want to put that much effort when we were together. since you've been gone, I met all other people who treat me way better than you. they treat me like I'm worth everything way more than I expected. like what I expect from you.

it all started to make sense when he pulled out my chair and helped me in when he paid the silly playground for us two when he bought me my favorite coffee and welcomed me good morning every morning. It's the thoughts that count not only words but actions.

it all started to make sense, that loving you was never wrong, but expecting you to love me too was. you can put word for word all your thoughts but never action. but all those words would never make me go back to you.

and i wish someday it all started to make sense for you too,

my old self would never believe this. we've been together, this long? i mean it felt so short since we never been on-and-off with our relationship.. and the truth is.. this is the closest to the realest relationship i have ever had. we're going in all the "stages", so far. and so far so good!!

well, actually... not that good it's been a hell of a ride! since this is the first time i have ever been in a long distance, everything feels easy and steady with him. not to mention i can't do it without him. he's been patient and raging all of my storms and thunder and hugs me with the warmest and most comfest hug I have ever had.

where were you? was it all just in my head? did i lost you? i am lost, again. i swear i was following your footsteps and smelling your scent but all of the sudden i am stuck, again. this time the trap is looking different, i swear i remember every obstacles im going through. this time, it's like i've never seen before, it's new. not including anyone else, not from the past, and it's delicate. this time it was just me and your shadow, only. this time.. i feel like i'm going around in a circle chasing something that i really thought that was real.. but it was your shadow.

you swore to me that it was real, you've shown the footsteps and sometimes i can really do feel your absence and smell your parfume, but sometimes it's gone. maybe it was the rain that wipes off your tracks, maybe the smell of the ground after the rain, that covers your smell.

but how could i be so sure? I only met you once. and after that, i beginning to follow everywhere and anywhere you go, but i only see your shadows, even though i heard your voice, telling me to keep going, 'cause you're waiting from the other side.

how could i trust you? I only seen you once. and after that, you expected me to follow and watch your steps from afar, even though i can only hear you scream, telling me to keep going, 'cause it's beautiful from the other side.

but.. when? where?

those last obstacles were actually trying to keep me awake. i feel like i was sleepwalking, and after stumbling on one of the obstacles, i think it was telling me something.

i know this time you will pull me out again from this misery, and i will keep going to follow you.

but i wonder, if now in everytime i see this kind of obstacles, i would know how to resist. what if i meet another obstacles, but this time..

i fell to the ground, and hit my head.

where were you? is there someone else? you're not going out with ur ex or someone behind my back aren't you, like my ex did? what if i told you i haven't healed enough yet, i keep getting this anxious feeling about relationship. i'm sorry to bother you with this, i should've just trust you.. but somehow it wasn't enough.. i'm really sorry.. i'll try my best to stop this, i swore i would be healthier.

you actually healed something that you didn't broke, dit. all you give was your biggest smile and warm hugs and peace.. you tried to make me happy, well, tried.. but i still feel sad. but it's not on you, it's all on me. i got sad.. i think it's a thing with me.

dit.. forget about this. i don't want to be a burden.. please, enjoy your life. go with whoever you want to go, be whatever you want to be, do whatever you wanna do. i got nothing on me to beg someone to stay, and i wont ever do that ever again.

the future still haunts me.. will we stay like this forever? when will you fell out of love? OR when will i fell out of love? when will we meet again? how's your days being away from me? did you miss me as much as i miss you? did you distract ur self from missing me with work? but then wil you get used to miss me until you don't anymore?

"huhhh? well, nice info!"

WHY DID I JUST SAID NICE INFO??? I WAS IN A COMPLETE SHOCK HEARING YOU SAID YOU LOVE ME FOR THE FIRST TIME LIKE, EVER???

i got mixed feelings about this because it's the first time i ever hear it from you.. also, lot of people usually said they love me first then shows it. but you literally showed me first, and let the love grows and grows and finally said it to my ear. you let yourself in love in a quite and purest way as possible.

i was.. literally in love with you way back than. the first time i saw you talking with my parent. you talk so firm yet so peaceful. the way it calms my father worry-ness and my mother chatty-ness hahaha.

but you have the courage to say it now. i bet it's hard... cause life recently make it hard lately.. right?

i just want you to know, (well you can't really know because you probably wont read this post) that i love you so much, too. so much that i adores you more than i love you. so much that i respect you more than i love you, so much that i prayed for your safeness and healthiness and happiness in wherever and with whoever you are.. and whatever you will be, and that's.. so much more than 'i love you'.

stay strong wherever you are pumpkin, i'll be there in every heartbeat. i'll be there to be the one who hugs you every night. i'll be the side-kick and who brings you bottle of water and wipe away your sweats and tears in the middle of your battle. i'll be the one who would strike the second punch after you strike the first. and then i'll be yours forever and ever and ever.

(22/03/23)

today was a fairytale, you've got a smile that takes me to another planet, every move you make everything you say is right.

i finally met him in person! well, he kinda late, very very late to be exact. but it's kinda worth it to see his face in person.. he's explaining every bit details he can to me.. and i said it's fine! so we eat our dinner together, i gave him the spare of my gyoza, he never tried ramen before! what??? "we have lots of food you should try then!" "okaaayy!" he giggles. he said he got 1029203 stories he wanted me to know about him.

afterwards, we did our pray and grab a coffee. he's telling me all the story he had in his mind, he's so into his story he don't noticed how his eyes lighten up everytime he talk about his family. and i just can;t help how beautiful he was in person. how i love the gap between his teeth, and how he couldn't keep his eyes on my eyes.. he's nervous i can feel it... but he smiles a lot and giggles a lot like i do.

but i planned to stay for a little longer

wherever you stray, i follow

i’m begging for you to take my hand

was a question i always ask every guy i have talked to. they got their own various answers, such as :

guy #1 : well, not like we have to meet first but..

guy #2 : ok, are u home? i'm in on my way *goes straight to my house whilst going out with his friends, yeah, he come with his friends*

guy #3 : i'll tell you how right after we met! (this guys is busy as hell man coz he's working)

guy #4 : hahaha you were right

if this is a scam, i'll cut you off by the landslide.