Not defeating the Tamamori allegations.

I started cutting myself as a teenager because I tried to come to my mother with serious concerns about my mental health and she proceeded to provide a long list of everything I was doing wrong ever without letting me speak beyond my first sentence. I saw no point in trying to save myself. I only saw the need to preserve myself just a bit longer by any means possible.

Just earlier this week, she basically put me in the hospital by blowing the fuck up because she completely misunderstood what I was saying and proceeded to act like a frosty bitch and refuse to listen to me because hey, only her version of events can be right. My sister sat there playing a solitaire game whilst on the phone to me; being a condescending little bitch and clearly siding with her whilst neither of them explained what the fuck was going on. If I'm recalling correctly — as my memory of this week is hazy and mostly corrobated by various messages across various platforms — I only truly figured it out after my sister's pair of shitty phone calls, because she cannot understand the difference between "no longer having a panic attack" and "no longer being in survival mode and actually being able to speak your mind". Near-suicide is probably a healthy lesson to learn in their eyes. If they don't want me to think that, maybe they should be the ones who change how they conduct themselves, not my partner and I.

My sister shouldn't have tried to strangle me. I was mildly uncomfortable about references to strangling for a while afterwards. My self-defence of pushing her backwards before she got her hands clamped around my neck was not a "retaliation". Becoming scared when she was irritable on another occasion with similar circumstances was not "dramatic". It was flashbacks.

I probably overextend myself in helping other people because they've spent so many years drilling into me that I am not the only person with problems and disabilities and [insert condition here] to the point where I just told them less and less about anything going on in my life because it was safer and I wanted to be less of a burden on the world around me. People who I care deeply about have been worried that I break too much of myself off for the sake of others.

I lived with the burden of feeling like I killed my own father because of them. Eventually, they realized this but only because I had a massive breakdown in front of one of them.

Everything that is a habit or quirk of mine seems to be a CPTSD symptom. I started to believe this less when medication was more impactful, but it's unavoidable now. I hate that writing about a yaoi game too hard made it finally click and that finding said game probably saved my life to some extent; in a catalystic manner. Too much of how I am links back to CPTSD and their "advice" on how to fix my life is dogshit and also bootstraps mentality. The fact I couldn't seem to even have the strength to follow any of it well made me worse.

I hate that I also didn't play any yaoi games for years because of their judgements on so many things I loved over the years being so searing that I didn't want to risk enjoying things that other people around me disliked. They know I was bullied at school. They should have known how sensitive I was to it all. I hate that I didn't let myself grow and learn as much as I would have liked due to untreated teenage depression and growing up with cries of "[person on television] is so stupid; everyone knows [apparently basic fact that the person on a quiz programme needed to pull out their ass on the spot when under pressure]" and "people don't like fat girls"

Every blowup my mother has seems to be resulting in panic attacks or possibly flashbacks — actually, definitely flashbacks as I've seen and understood them: I feel like a scared, isolated child all over again, every time. Sometimes I am screaming whilst I cry because everything feels too painful otherwise, and she hates that. My sister screaming in my face at me about having a job because they decided to run with their ideas instead of listening to why I was panicking does not change that. I've been so drained by it that I can't do basic things I need to do.

trying to privately vent to my partner whilst having a mental breakdown about my gender identity whilst being surrounded by Wizardshit fans is apparently my greatest sin. Apparently I am not allowed to have past traumas that I do not talk about them to; especially where it involves them. Apparently I am not allowed to talk about this without them listening; which is highly hypocritical. They will not let this go. This seems to be where the "everyone else has problems too" lore has been built up further.

I am an autistic person needing substantial support. I am clearly on a different area of the spectrum to my siblings. It is still hard for me to accept this.

I cannot pretend to myself at this point that these two have my best interests in mind, no matter what happens. They may have shown concern to me at points in my life, but putting myself in their hands any further is clearly dangerous. They don't know how to have a civil discussion about a problem, and only know how to twist knives. What has been happening to me is exactly what I feared when they started being "nicer", but boiling frogs and all that.

It doesn't matter if they cared about anything. It doesn't matter if they made any attempts to affirm my gender. It doesn't matter if anyone cried at my autism diagnosis. It doesn't matter what falls they took for me, or didn't. I can't trust these people, and they either need therapy or more of it (delete as applicable).