a cat who is addicted to breaking bad. so sad.

i am raymond or kittem or any single digit number 😼

23 years old... mixed black... any pronouns...🐛

my art account is @kittemfang and the account i follow from is @touhoupawject (❁´◡`❁) also, i have a couple of other sideblogs too...

current current header was drawn by @/helloemptyset and current icon was drawn by @/PUDGY_WUDGE on twitter... ✏️

i like a lot of things...especially right now its: mewgenics, look outside, and my ocs 👁️

my favorite colors are chartreuse and periwinkle. my favorite pokemon is lopunny. i am a weird sort of silly animal. i like to collect things. drawing is my love forever. 🐷

"before you follow" is some extra stuff under the cut if you feel like reading it

its so dumb how irrational, negative, self hating thoughts can become almost "comforting" even when you know they are not true. not comforting as in it makes you happy. "comforting" as in, well, this form of torture wouldnt hurt as bad as if i was being tortured some other way, so ill just stay here. and theres an exit door but its kind of far away and you know sitting still hurts less than getting up and moving over there so you continue to sit there even though theres freedom.

i cannot go a single day without thinking about how "everyone" hates me and is talking behind my back and wishes i was dead. and the fucked up part is that its not "everyone". i. i dont know how to say this to anyone. i cant talk about this to anyone. its too shameful and evil.

i feel like the longer i am friends with someone, the more i start to think they Obviously hate me. like im a limited time object. sure you played around with me, but now this is getting old and im just nothing.

if there is a point where someones depression becomes annoying instead of pitiable, i already hit it the second i express any discontent. i cant say anything to anyone.

i cant say anything to anyone because none of it even matters. all i can do is hold in all my stress and depression with no outlet other than half-hearted attempts at self harm which i try not to do anymore. i am completely drained of all energy. i cant draw, cant write, i cant enjoy my characters, im so nothing. all i do when im not working is think about how worthless i am, so i sleep to stop thinking. my executive dysfunction is so bad im practically useless on my own.

cant say anything everyone will hate me more.

sometimes i really want to lash out and spew all my "irrational" thoughts as if they are true just to feel something. to feel a push back or validation that i was correct. sometimes i want to do awful things for attention. i need anything to prove im alive. maybe i want people to finally open up about how they have hated me for so long because then ill finally feel justified in everything

i have a psych appointment next monday so whatever. i need new medication whether she likes it or not. im incurable. nothing will ever help me. but i can pay more money for more pills. im terrified of her dismissing my feelings again im going to replace her after this one regardless