La Vida è Bella

Anyways, being back in california i really miss my mom and my home. I miss my room that is so perfectly decorated to my taste. For the first couple weeks of me being out here I felt like..... Wow maybe I should just go home. But i know that would be hella weak. The fires, smoke, and the fact that everything is closed is making it kinda hard. But what i realized is that home will always be there and now I appreciate it so much more. I can go back to that safe space any time I want. And I am so goddamn fucking thankful for that beautiful safe space. Because going out into the world and having to rent your own apartment and pay for all your groceries yourself and all your new furniture yourself while also maintaining a healthy life style and a social life can be really hard. like really hard and I don’t know how people do it. At home its just so easy. And I feel so perfectly content. Maybe it is my comfort zone and I needed to get out of my comfort zone to grow. Which is true. We all do. But what I’’m learning to realize is that instead of being sad that I’m not at home I can just be hella grateful for the fact that home is always there for me and it always will be. 

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Today I hired a professional videographer and we filmed me dancing the naach dance at a beautiful location in dallas. and when I saw the raw footage I was blown away. It honestly looked so good. And afterwards I was on a total high. I felt that feeling of I can truly manifest anything that I want. But if we never even try, if we never put ourselves out there then how is the universe even gonna be able to give you anything in return. I can’t expect to become a professional artist if I don’t share my art with the world. I can’t expect to become known for anything unless I put my art out there and see what it brings in. The point is that we are capable of SO much. We as humans have so much goddamn power. We just have to realize it. We have to come to the realization that anything is within our reach as long as we put attention and intention into and really see our seeds blossom. All you gotta to do is plant the seed, water it, and the universe will let it grow into the most unimaginable beautiful flower. I’m sure of it. 

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Had dance class with chetna, filmed my mere dholna dance with nikita, watched a beautiful beautiful sunset, and spent some quality FaceTime with Will. it was one of those days that just feels full. like i don't have to try to fill it, it just naturally becomes something. which i also realize was my own doing. i made all those things happen today that happened. Which i realized that i should do more consistently. It’s not that i have to put active effort into making something happen everyday. but you know how sometimes there’s something you have to do, or want to do, or should do but you’re like ehhh i don’t need to do it today i can do it on Thursday. well i’ve realized we should just do it as soon as possible. like do it today if you can. because then that way, each day is full. like today part of me knew it would take a lot of effort to film and get dressed and do the video today and part of me wanted to postpone but what’s the point of that? it’s not like i would have any less of those problems any other day. if i wanna get it done, I gotta commit to doing it today.  It’s good cause once you plan with someone a time and place to meet, it’s set, you can’t really back out. and then like an hour before i was really pumped and really glad i was finally taking these steps towards manifesting the things i wanna manifest. so my point is if there’s something you wanna do. just do it today. or have a set time to do it tomorrow. like i don't need to wait 3 or four more days to get it done. like literally just do it as soon as you can and then all the things you want to manifest will happen. if not now, when? and i know that’s cliche but its true. like sometimes we don’t feel like doing something-- thats me like most of the time actually. but when i start doing it then i’m happy i did it. you just gotta like get up and go. thats the hardest part. i’m trying to more of a manifester rather than just having ideas in my head. and it’s happening slowly slowly slowly :) keep pushing tanvi. you’re doing great. 

So I saw this Instagram post the other day. It’s a fitness page mostly and he was talking about doing stuff you don’t want to do. His “thing that he doesn’t wanna do” is taking plunges into cold water because it’s really really good for you. And he said you should do one thing every day that you don’t want to do. But then I thought to myself, but why? To what extent should we do things that we don’t WANT to do. What’s the point of that? People always say to do something that scares you.. and I kept trying to figure out what the limit to that is. Like I don’t want to jump off a 30 story building.... but that doesn’t mean I should do it either...? BetterIdeas’s youtube video helped me understand what the limit is. We should do things that we’re scared of, or that we don’t want to do, or that are outside of our comfort zone if those things are in alignment with the kind of person we want to be. None of us want to jump off a 30 story building and we shouldn’t either. Because that isn’t in alignment with who we want to become. But things like applying for jobs in a new state, or starting a conversation with a stranger that we think seems interesting, or taking a dance class that is WAY out of our league, or going on a 3 day backpacking trip in the mountains, or joining an improv team, or jumping off a rock that looks way too high into a deep pool of water. Those things are out of our comfort zone but in alignment with the kind of PERSON THAT I WANT TO BECOME. and that is the important differentiation here. this was an important realization for me. I hope it helps you in some way. What are some things outside your comfort zone that you wanna do? Here’s the video that made me come to this awesome realization: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0h-IAlNjd4Q

These memories and many others don’t need to be written down. They play like a clear movie in my head. I felt so wholly alive then. Like everything that I had been so confused about before finally made sense. Like all the things that I was searching for, was right here in front of me.  I didn’t know what “finding what I was looking for” was gonna look like, but I found some version of it. And when I came back from Laos I didn’t feel like I was searching anymore. I didn’t feel lost as FUCK which is how i felt for a long long longggg time.  I feel at peace now, I feel content, I don’t feel like I’m searching. I used to think that at some point in my life the right person or the right group of people would come along in my life and save me. Give me what I was searching for. Give me that contentment that I felt like I needed. But when I was on shrooms in the jungle that night at Lagoon 5 I had a realization. It wasn’t a person that was gonna save me. I was saved. I saved myself. It was a collection of people and places and experiences that made me feel whole. And ever since that moment of realizing I wasn’t lost anymore..... I have not felt empty a single day since. So much gratitude for this journey. 

It’s funny because before I went to Thailand I had some of the worst fights of my entire life with my parents and now that I’m back I feel like we are having the best relationship we’ve ever had. I don’t know why, but for some reason we have been getting along super well. We hardly ever fight (I sometimes get mad at my dad for being ridiculously unaware of his surroundings). I cook and I clean and I help around the house. But part of me doesn’t feel like I really changed that much. Part of me just feels like my parents were so triggered before I left to go to a solo trip to Thailand that they felt like they had to fight me on it. But now that I’m at home and have no definite plans for the future, they have nothing to fight me on. And I wonder if this good relationship is gonna last. Like are we gonna immediately start to fight again as soon as I make a life decision they don’t agree with? I’m not sure, but the winds have definitely changed for the better. And it feels like it has a lasting effect. 

In the back of my mind while this move was playing I was thinking how this is contrast to the American law where we are forced not to have adoptions. But the narrator said something very important. Even though these policies opposite externally, they are essentially the same thing-- which is that the women do not have a CHOICE as to what happens to that baby inside their beautiful life giving body. 

Me and Olga chilled on sairee beach today in koh tao and hung out with her friend scot from Scotland and we had an awesome time. It’s one of those nights where you come home and just feel so completely whole.

welcome 2020. I'm blessed and I'm unbelievably grateful for these moments of fullness.

Today I watched a movie called Stronger, it’s a true story about a guy who was bombed during the Boston Marathon. He lost both of his legs. There’s something about watching a movie where a person loses their legs to make you appreciate the hell out of your ability to walk. How incredible it is that we have all these abilities. We have legs and hands and arms and thumbs and a head and we can walk run stretch and do crazy amazing wonderful things with our bodies. I cannot imagine at all what the hell it would feel like to not have legs. I cannot even fathom. And I cannot even fully fathom how amazing and miraculous it is to have these abilities. I am so grateful for health. When we are in pain, all we can think is “if this pain goes away I would be the happiest person in the world.” yet here we are, perfectly healthy people still complaining about everything under the sun, worrying only about ourselves and our selfish desires. American society has become so greedy and individualistic that all we chase is the dollar sign. When do even think about how miraculous it is to be alive to walk outside everyday beneath the sun and the stars. its a goddamn miracle and it’s a miracle that we get to share it with others. I don’t know I’m just tired of only worrying about myself. I want my life to be focused on community and serving those around me.