“It’s good to see you, Tanjirou!” Hayami smiles again- and how can someone be so pretty so effortlessly? 

“Good!” Tanjirou squeaks, and then clears his throat- “good to see you, too! I didn’t know you were coming to the estate!” 

It’s totally embarrassing how he stumbled in his speech like that- but like the friend that Hayami is, she doesn’t acknowledge it and instead nods her head. He almost breaks down when she doesn't warn him before she pulls him into a hug, his arms stiffly and awkwardly hovering around her before he manages to kick himself into gear and hug her back. But again, if Hayami notices his default, she doesn't mention it as she pulls away. “Yeah! I’m meeting up with Kanao. We’re going on a mission tomorrow. Are you here for similar reasons?” 

Her head tilts as she asks the question- it would have made him blush harder because of how cute it is, but unfortunately, Tanjirou is already at max-capacity with blushing. 

“A-ah, no, actually. For once,” he laughs, nervously raising a hand to awkwardly scratch the back of his neck as he takes a small step back. Just enough so he isn't so close- so he can breathe a little easier. “Nezuko and I are taking a bit of a break. We’re trying to help Shinobu, too. She’s been tracking some of Muzan’s movements, so she asked for our help.” 

Hayami’s eyes light up in surprise. “Oh, really? That’s good, then! The closer we can get, the better. I hope it leads somewhere!” 

“Thank you!” He feels a rush of determination at her wish of good luck- and he responds in kind. “Good luck on your mission, too!” 

A kind, simple exchange. Hayami smiles and thanks Tanjirou, and then she goes back to watering the flowers. Tanjirou leaves for his duties as well, heart beating a bit faster than before, but it always feels nice to talk with a friend. 

The rest of the day goes swimmingly, but it feels like it’s a bit brighter now that Tanjirou knows Hayami is at the estate. He feels a bit foolish for going out of his way to find her several times throughout the day, but she always lights up when he comes around, so perhaps it’s not that foolish. When the night comes, she visits his room, visiting with Nezuko and wishing her a good night along with Tanjirou. He quickly wishes her the same, and he definitely doesn’t watch her as she leaves, walking off to her own room. 

And no one can understand Nezuko anyway, so he definitely didn’t do that, and he definitely didn’t have hearts in his eyes, either. And, most importantly, he definitely didn’t go to bed smiling just from thinking of how cute Nezuko and Hayami looked together when they talked tonight. 

——

Tanjirou wakes up with a gasp, heart thundering in his chest as cold sweat falls from his temple. 

It wasn’t often that Tanjirou had night terrors, but when they hit- they hit hard. But he’s- he takes a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling shakily as his fists find the covers and twists the material between his fingers. He’s fine, he’s fine… 

But then a flash of his dream hits him, kicks him in the gut- it was just a gruesome image of blood, blood, blood covering platinum hair and violet eyes. 

Tanjirou shivers, and before he knows it, he’s on his feet. 

Isn’t this weird? Isn’t this childish? He remembers all of the times that his siblings came to his side at night, crying and shaking from a nightmare- he remembers rubbing their back, holding them close, lulling them back to sleep with him under thin sheets. He’s always been that- the big brother, the pillar of stability and rationalization. 

So Tanjirou hesitates when he finds himself in that same place, that same scenario- but this time, he’s the child, twiddling his thumbs outside of the door and wondering if he should really go through with this. 

It was just a dream. 

But what an awful dream it was.

“Hayami?” His voice comes out quietly, but it’s somehow still so loud compared to the thick silence of the night. Tanjirou winces, already regretting doing this, but unfortunately, the sliding door opens before he can run back to his room. 

It’s Hayami on the other side, of course, properly dressed for bed and looking a little bleary-eyed, her hair more messy and tangled than it usually was during the day. He must have woken her up. 

“I- I’m sorry, Hayami, you should go back to bed,” Tanjirou quickly whispers, but she merely shakes her head and rubs her eyes. 

“No, it’s okay,” she whispers, too. It comes naturally because of how dark it is, how late it is. “Do you need anything? Everything okay?” 

Tanjirou shuffles in his spot, his lips already pulling awkwardly on his face. He’s a terrible liar, really- he’s even worse when it’s Hayami. “It’s nothing big,” Tanjirou shakes his head lightly, looking at the floorboards. “I’m just worried.” 

She doesn’t reply right away. When she does, it’s not with words- but an invitation as she slides the door open a little more, moving to the side as she looks at him kindly. Tanjirou doesn’t say anything either but eagerly takes her offer, slipping inside her dark room before he can convince himself not to, Hayami sliding the door shut behind him. She walks back to her mat, folding her legs underneath her as she sits down on the blankets and Tanjirou awkwardly moves to sit beside her; as she watches him, she laughs through her nose. 

“No need to be so tense, Tanjirou,” She reassures him quietly. “Relax.”

“Right,” he does as she says with a sigh, pulling his lips together and lacing his hands in his lap. When he looks up, she’s looking at him expectantly, still wearing that kind smile. He melts. “I had a bad dream,” he admits quietly, “about your mission. I dreamed you got really hurt, and I just… I really don’t want anything bad to happen to you, Hayami,” his brows crease on his forehead as he speaks. 

“Tanjirou,” Hayami softly sighs, and one of her hands reaches forward to place atop his on his lap. He flusters at the touch, blushing anxiously- and he’s thankful for the dark cover of night that hopefully hides his hot cheeks from her. “There is no need to worry. I’m alright,” she squeezes his hands, “and I will be after the mission, too. I’ll be back, and I will be fine. I promise.” 

“Thank you,” he whispers meekly. “I know, it’s still just…”

“You can’t help it. I get the same way,” she hums. “Do you want to stay here for the night? I will probably be up early in the morning, but you’re more than welcome to stay.” 

“Oh- I- I couldn’t-“

“Please. If it helps, I want you to stay,” Hayami reassures him swiftly, and Tanjirou hesitates. He looks at her sliding door, then back at her- and…

His head sinks between his shoulders shamefully. “Thank you, Hayami.” 

“Come here,” The girl tugs on his hands, urging him closer, and he looks at her curiously as she helps him lay on the mattress. Soon enough, before he realizes what’s happening, his head is in her lap and her fingers are running through his hair. 

Huh.

He’s pretty sure he’s blushing again- or he never stopped. Either way, if the moon cast her gaze on him now, she would reveal his wild beating heart and love-struck gaze, so he prays that he will stay blanketed in the darkness. No words are exchanged as Hayami begins to hum, her hands still coursing through his strands so soothingly that he feels his eyes getting heavy from the motion. Eventually, the hum becomes a soft, quiet song- lyrics hanging in the air that he can’t really grasp because of his muddled mind. 

Before he realizes it, he falls asleep like that. Safe in her hands and her watchful gaze, he sleeps, and no more dreams haunt him that night. The only thing he pictures is a field of lavender that sways from the wind and a soft song that rings beautifully in the air.

——

Of course, when Tanjirou wakes, Hayami is gone. She said she’d be leaving early, and surprisingly, Tanjirou slept heavily enough that he didn’t stir even once throughout the rest of the night. It’s still morning, but it’s getting late- so he tries not to fluster too much from the idea of sleeping in Hayami’s bed as he rushes back to his room and gets ready for the new day. 

Despite Hayami’s reassurances and the facts that he knew- which is that Hayami is more than strong and capable, she’s smart, too- Tanjirou couldn’t help but fumble around as he helped Shinobu today. It probably didn’t help that he was still replaying last night over and over in his mind- not only the dream, but the way Hayami sang, and the way she looked so beautiful with the moon shining behind her. And remembering how lovely, wonderful, beautiful she is… it creates more awkward fumbling and an anxious spike in his chest. He was worried. Something about his dream last night struck a chord deep in him and no matter how much he tried to push his anxieties to the side, the funk wouldn’t leave. 

Because what if something did happen? What if she really did get hurt, all the while as Tanjirou was separating herbs for medicine? At least it’s useful, he thinks, because if she really did get hurt, Tanjirou knew first hand that they had more than enough supplies to take care of her, no matter what. 

But even that still made his gut twist with fear. Because what if it wasn’t enough? What if, what if, what if? 

What if Kanao walks into the estate alone? 

That’s ridiculous, of course! Such a thing wouldn’t happen. Definitely not. Tanjirou eventually had to slam his head hard against a wall, almost creating a crack in it (the wall, unfortunately, as his head was still as thick as a stone and wasn’t splitting anytime soon) to shock himself out of his bad thoughts. He has things to do! 

So Tanjirou buries his nose in his work, moving viciously and making the nurses make worried comments, but that’s fine. He’s fine! And so is Hayami! Yes, yes. Everything is fine. 

And yet. 

There’s something inside Tanjirou that shatters when he sees Kanao come through the Butterfly Estate gates, a limp body in her arms; the body covered in dark stains of blood and familiar blonde hair that covers their face, messily tangled and equally as dirty. He’s not exactly sure what shatters- a part of him, deep inside and hidden somewhere that’s locked away, and maybe it’s a part of him that’s been left abandoned and unassessed because of how undesirable and ugly it is. Maybe it was a part of him built up from seeing so, so many people die, seeing his family’s corpses, seeing things he shouldn’t have seen over and over again, grotesque and gut-wrenching- and seeing her, too. Seeing her just like that, just like all the other skeletons in his closet. It’s- it’s… 

Something vicious and primal comes clawing up his throat, his heart, his head. Let me out, let me out, let me out, it begs. It wants to throw him into a frenzy, it wants to throw him into disarray, and it wants to destroy him. 

And Tanjirou swallows that beast down, as hard as he can as he leads Kanao quickly to the private rooms in the estate. He keeps swallowing it down- because he has to. Even when his heart drops when he sees Hayami’s face; when he sees the slashes in her torso, the gash on her forehead. Even then, he clenches his fist, and that’s it. His blunt fingernails somehow manage to make indents and make his palms bleed, but that’s the worst of his damage. The physical damage, of course.

He can’t speak for the emotional damage yet. 

Tanjirou is also keenly aware that he can’t do anything. He can’t help heal her, he doesn’t know how that works. The best he can do is protect her, but that opportunity has passed. Now there is nothing. 

As the nurses rush in and out of the room, carrying out baskets of bloody towels and carrying in more and more gauze and supplies, he finds that the best thing he can do for himself is walk away. He walks to his room, and once he’s sure that it’s dark enough, he unlatches Nezuko’s box. Tanjirou was mildly expecting her to be asleep, so he’s a bit surprised to see her sakura eyes staring up at him. 

He takes his shite luck wholeheartedly though, and he holds her tight. It doesn’t matter if Nezuko doesn’t hold him back, because he just needs something to ground him. 

She does, though- one hand reaching up to hold his head against her shoulder, the other one rubbing his back. Tanjirou gasps, tenses, and finally, the beast in him comes out. It scratches his throat viciously as it does, causing him to cry out, and it bursts through his eyes and makes him sob. 

Maybe he holds Nezuko too tight, and maybe he cries and sobs too loud. 

But for now, in the safety of her arms, that’s okay. 

So he lets that beast come out, as ugly and undesirable as it may be. 

——

It’s hours later that Tanjirou finally feels well enough to go outside his room, and when he does, a little nurse immediately comes to his side and gives him the good news. 

Hayami is fine, of course. It definitely looked scary, but she would heal and be back in the field soon enough. No lasting damage, no risks of infection. 

The best outcome. 

That was only mildly true, Tanjirou thinks, because the best outcome would be the one where she returned to the estate happy and unharmed. But- besides that- this was surely the best outcome. He thanks the little girl earnestly for the news, and he quickly makes his way to her room where she rests peacefully. 

He comes in and out as the day continues. He still has a job he has to do, after all, but Tanjirou always comes back to her room when he can. It’s only a day later when she wakes. 

When her eyes blink open, violet irises murky and slightly faded from exhaustion and confusion- it feels like Tanjirou is finally allowed to breathe again. 

There’s an impulse he feels to jump and wrap Hayami in his arms, and his arms flinch from that impulse, but he stops. Freezes. That probably wouldn’t be a good idea- he’d probably hurt her even more if he squeezed her like he wants to, just so he can feel her heartbeat, make sure she’s really alive. 

She is alive. Her eyes are open, they’re swimming with morality, shining as they look at him, and she smiles. 

He’s still frozen. 

“Tanjirou,” Hayami sighs, one of her hands reaching forward and placing atop his shaking ones on his lap. “I worried you again, didn’t I?” Her face falls a bit, the smile on her face becoming strained as she coughs and her eyebrows knit together. “I’m sorry.” 

“No,” Tanjirou finally swallows, willing himself to speak as his hand wraps around hers, holding it tight and securely. “Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault that you got hurt. I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he apologizes quickly. It bursts out of him because the words have been repeating in his head over and over since he first saw her in Kanao’s arms. 

Hayami merely huffs, squeezing his hand back as she gives him a knowing look. 

“Why would you be? You were supposed to be here, not with me. There’s no reason for you to be sorry, either.” 

His mouth opens and closes dumbly. Tanjirou wasn’t sure what to say to that- his brows furrow on his forehead as he squints. And then, reluctantly, he sighs and bites his lip. 

“Then neither of us should be sorry,” he says and Hayami smiles. 

“That sounds fair.”

A silence wafts through, then- it’s not unfriendly or bad, but Tanjirou still itches to say something else. And he’s also vividly aware of the fact that he’s still holding her hand, but he doesn’t really want to let go. “I’m really happy that you’re safe,” he says and winces. That’s not what he really wanted to say.

Hayami doesn’t seem to notice- she smiles and nods. 

“I know you’re hurt, but…” Unknowingly, Tanjirou’s eyes grow big and soft, almost pleading as he looks her way. Unknowingly, it makes Hayami’s heart skip a beat as he asks, “would it be alright if I hugged you?” 

“Of course, Tanjirou!” Hayami replies instantly, her smile growing already, and unknowingly, that makes Tanjirou’s own heart skip, too. She shuffles around on her pillows, using her free hand to help prop herself up on the pillows- and then Tanjirou is already surrounding her, arms holding but not suffocating as they cradle her body gently and securely. Tanjirou exhales a shaky sigh as he hugs her, her own hands coming to slowly wrap around him. 

“I’m really glad you’re safe,” he says again, against her skin, and she hums. Her hands move up and down his back, her eyes shut as she relaxes against him. 

He’s warm. Warm and safe, so unlike the cold feeling of demons, of war and survival. Tanjirou is a welcome contradiction of the world they are surrounded in, Hayami thinks.

“Thank you, Tanjirou.” She says earnestly and honestly, pressing her forehead against his collarbone with a sigh. 

And then she winces when she tries to move her arms again, and Tanjirou bursts to life. 

“Right! I need to get the nurses- and I need to tell Shinobu you’re up! And Kanao, too. She doesn’t show it, but she was really worried.” He paces around the room quickly and Hayami giggles as she watches him. The sound makes him freeze, looking at her with wide eyes. 

His lips form a smile as his eyes soften. “I’ll be right back,” he promises, and then he leaves the room in a flash. 

Alone in her room, Hayami laughs again, leaning against her pillows with a flustered grin despite all the gashes and slashes on her body that urge her to do anything but. The hummingbird pace of her heart simply disagrees with the burning and throbbing.

——

It was agreed, or perhaps the word is forced that Tanjirou became one of Hayami’s main caretakers as she healed in the estate. 

It was ridiculous, of course, because Tanjirou really didn’t know the first thing about nursing other than the things he knew from being an older brother in a big family. But it was agreed (forced) nonetheless, as long as another nurse was by his side in case he did something wrong. 

But he was careful. Always careful, always thoughtful. He always checked in with the nurse before he gave Hayami her medicine, and always asked if he was doing it correctly when he helped rewrap her bandages. 

Hayami was honestly flattered by how determined he was to help care for her. Flattered, and maybe a bit embarrassed. Having Tanjirou constantly at her side was nice, of course, but she felt odd for looking so weak in his eyes. 

So when Tanjirou focuses on making her herbal tea one day and accidentally trips as he moves forward one day, the tea porcelain falling to the floor and shattering in a million pieces, Hayami supposes that maybe something in her breaks, too. Some sort of subconscious decision that she doesn't have the resolve to hang onto anymore.

“Tanjirou!” She gasps, sifting upright in her bed. Thankfully, he didn’t fall along with the tea. “Are you okay?” 

“Oh!” He laughs a bit shyly. When Hayami starts to remove her cover, his head snaps up and he quickly waves his hands as he reassures her. “No, don’t get up! You could step in it! I’ll clean it, don’t worry!” 

Hayami isn't sure how she feels when he turns his back to her to clean up the mess. “Are you sure?” She hums with disbelief, frowning a bit as she strains to look at the mess. 

“Of course- ah!”

The porcelain is surprisingly sharp, and Tanjirou winces with a small grunt as the shard he picks up digs into his skin and cuts, droplets of blood already running down his digit. He sighs, looking it over- it’s not that deep, but it still stings. 

“Tanjirou!” 

He freezes again. Oops.

“Did you cut yourself?” Hayami asks, concern and something mildly-accusatory in her tone as she desperately tries to look around him from her spot in bed. He looks at her over his shoulder, smiling reassuringly- 

“It’s just a small cut-“ 

“Come here.” 

He’s sort of surprised by how stern she sounds. “Wh- it’s no big deal, really! It barely even hurts-“ 

“Tanjirou,” her lips pull, and his stomach swirls as he sighs and stands, leaving the (surprisingly sharp) porcelain shards on the floor as he heads to her side. Hayami reaches for the medical box by her bedside- the medical box used for her needs, plenty of gauze and adhesives so she has plenty of supplies in case she needs it if one of the nurses isn't around to help. Tanjirou immediately shakes his head as he watches her rifle through it. 

“That’s yours, Hayami!”

“I don’t care, you cut yourself. It could get infected!” Her hands reach toward him, grabbing and pulling him toward her bed. “Come on, Tanjirou. You know these things are important.” She only settles when he finally sits down beside her, and she grabs a cotton pad, dabbing it in alcohol and then grabbing his hand as she begins to clean the cut. 

He barely reacts at the sting. “It’s just a small cut, it’s fine…” He tries again, but she merely shakes her head as she focuses on cleaning the blood. 

“It’s still important.”

Hayami dutifully cleans the cut, and no words are shared as she quickly wraps it in a bandage. The amount of care she put into it wasn’t needed- not at all- and Hayami realized that, of course. 

Her lips pull again as she holds Tanjirou’s calloused hand in her own. 

“Be careful, Tanjirou. You don’t… you don’t have to work so hard to help me. I’m fine, too.” She meets his gaze with a soft exhale. “I promise.” 

“You almost weren’t-“

“But I am,” she urges, her eyebrows furrowing tensely. “I am, Tanjirou.”

There's a cutting silence that drags heavily between the two of them. Tanjirou doesn't meet her eye anymore, his eyes heavily focused on the bed sheets instead. As the silence continues, Hayami swallows as she eventually breaks it, her thumb running across Tanjirou's palm. "I appreciate everything you're doing for me. It makes me so happy that you care," she whispers. "But you act as if I'm dying. And I need you to know that I'm not. I'm getting better, you know."

She knows that he knows. He's been by her side all this time- it would be impossible or extremely ignorant to be blind to her progress. And Hayami knows that Tanjirou isn't ignorant. 

"You're right," Tanjirou sighs. His body moves again, coming to life as he squeezes her fingers gently. "I got so scared before, and I let that take over me. I know you're capable of doing things by yourself, but I just..." 

It feels strangely similar, this moment. A sense of deja vu washes over him, and he realizes- this moment is not at all unlike when he came to her before, worried at the mere concept of her getting hurt from a dream he had. 

"I'm sorry, Hayami," he frowns as he meets those beautiful violet eyes again. "I'll try to be less intense." 

"You're fine, honestly," her head tilts as she gently smiles at him, "it's been irritating me, too. Not being able to get better fast enough. And I don't want to get frustrated at you for helping me." 

Tanjirou nods. "That makes sense." And then his eyes drift back to the mess of tea, and he hums, his expression wincing again. "We should clean it before it sticks on the floorboards."