Circle, no L.

Last time I posted was Day 26. I wanted this to be a daily countdown, but it felt so fake just ticking a box when life’s felt so overwhelming. With everything happening with this administration, I’m really starting to worry about the future of the trans community—like, what if my surgery gets canceled, or I have to leave the country altogether? It’s not bad, bad, bad right now.. but it’s definitely not heading in a great direction. I’m scared if I don’t act soon, it’ll be too late.

I feel like we’ve all been way too complacent because we don’t have a reference for just how ugly our government can get. Everyone’s just going through the motions, saying, “It’s not that bad yet.” So, yeah, I needed a minute to process. I did slow down a bit—though I still hit the gym, of course. But seriously, I don’t get why people are so pressed about others simply living their lives. Must be nice to have that much free time to meddle.

Pelvic Floor Therapy. I’d heard about it in the trans servers on Reddit for years, but I willfully avoided it. One look at the name, and I knew exactly what it involved.. I was instantly triggered by my imagination. Hard pass. But after two or three years, I finally looked into it—and sure enough, it was exactly what I feared. I mean, yes, it’s clearly helpful for lots of people (trans and cis) post-surgery or after trauma, but any more unnecessary digital palpations? Digital rectal palpations? Nope. No thank you.

But on brand for my life, my surgeon made it mandatory—apparently too many of his patients were having issues with tightness and dilation. Granted, pelvic floor therapy isn’t just about internal exams; it can include things like stretches, breathwork, and massage. And I made it clear on Day One: No internal anything. There’ll be plenty of time for that post-op 🥲

Fast-forward to session two—and she kept referencing my boundary, in a repetitive way, as if to say, “Hey, I remember you said no!” Like, yes, wonderful. Thank you for remembering and reminding me 🫠 So we stuck to abdominal massage to help avoid post-anesthesia constipation (straining = bad for your pelvic floor)

We also did some fascia and passive leg and hip stretches. Problem is, I’m hyper-mobile from my gym bunny days, so half these exercises are lost on me. But it was enjoyable watching her reaction when I contracted my legs much deeper than her gentle push. And I’m sure there’s still much I can learn.

Don’t get me wrong, pelvic floor therapy can be crucial for dilation—especially if you’re tight and risk losing depth because it’s too uncomfortable. But I’m not too concerned—I was a dedicated bottom for nearly two decades; I’m confident in my ability to loosen up 👁👄👁 And a girlfriend who’s recently had her vaginoplasty and was also the receptive partner had zero issues with her dilation. But I know several trans women pursuing bottom surgery who were not the receptive partner and I suspect they’ll have trouble dilating.

Soaked 💦 not just glistening ✨

Hormones. Should’ve been simple, right? Instead, it took me over a decade to get here.

Back in 2009, I walked into an LGBT center as a nervous teen, hoping for guidance. The guy I spoke to preyed on my anxiety instead of actually helping me. So I left—lost and questioning. Ten years of struggle later, at 30, I finally walked into another LGBT center and simply said, "I want a vagina."

Ironically, I didn’t even consider myself trans until a year later. I was lost in Reddit and finally admitted: "Yeah… I’m trans." I had spent so much time hesitating—not just on hormones, but simply accepting myself.

I hate when people say, "So, you're trying to be…" like transition is seen as effort toward performance rather than just being. As if we aren't already who we are."Sure, surgeries help with how we’re seen and treated, but really, they’re about fixing the incongruence between our internal experience and our physical bodies.

After vocal feminization, I was she/her’ed instantly—doctors even asked how I knew I wasn’t pregnant (💀). Meanwhile, my mom still sees me as the same. To society, I flipped overnight. To her, nothing changed, "You're just you to me."

And injections? I knew they were more effective, but I put them off for three years—because I didn’t want a nurse training me on a glute shot. As if that would be the most exposed I’d ever be 🙃. When I finally started, the nurse trained me how to do it myself but told me I wasn’t allowed to take a photo. Naturally, I ignored that and took one anyway. So here’s a pic of me, mid-shot, breaking unnecessary rules 💅🏾

So, here we are—Day 29. I was going to start this whole blog thing on Day 30, but, well… procrastination 🫠 Better late than never, though, right? .. right?

At first, I had this idea that I'd go through my transition quietly, vanish for a while, and then pop back up when it was ✨done✨ .. y'know, no need for any "beforetime" records. But, lately, I’ve been feeling a little conflicted when I see others' trans timelines—sharing their highs, lows, and literally everything in between their legs. Part of me is a bit self-conscious about putting it all out there for the world to see, but another part of me wishes I had more to look back on: photos, insights, mental notes from when I was going through things like my orchiectomy & that $15k complication (thanks, Uncle Sam! 🤭), and my vocal feminization surgery.

I’ve spent the last four or so years casually learning about surgical transition—falling down enough research rabbit holes to piece some things together. I don’t claim to be an expert (I’m not a medical professional, so I cannot recommend anything), but I’ve picked up a lot along the way. I’ve also met plenty of trans folks who haven’t had access to the same info, so I figure it’s worth sharing what I do know—while hopefully learning from others in the process.

The next 29 days? It’s me speed-running through my transition milestones, starting from November 18th, 2019 (1,903 days ago—but who’s counting?) until my vaginoplasty on March 3rd!

Oh, and I have to give credit where it’s due! This whole idea came from—someone I’m still figuring out how to describe in terms of our relationship (Not 'friend,' but not-quite 'acquaintance' either… the latter feels a bit cold). Either way, they gave me the inspiration to start documenting, so here we are 💁🏾‍♀️✨