Widowmaker's creator

But I can’t do it alone. I know I am asking for a lot here, and I know this is definitely not your job to build me up again and to help me like that. But still, I want to ask you for your help. I will be direct: I want to ask Moira roleplayers for their help. Please talk to me. Please help me find a place in this community again. Please help me find a way to fit Joe in again. Please help me find her place again, and please help me find a way were both Moira and Joe can exit within the same world, no matter how similar they are. Maybe you have a better understanding of the situation than I do. Maybe you can show me differences I fail to see. Maybe you can offer me another view point. Please note that I will not force anyone to do that. I won’t force anyone to help me, and I am aware that this is not your job to help a complete stranger with a funny problem. All I am doing here is only to ask. I want to reach out my hand. We don’t have to be friends afterwards or anything the like. All I hope is just for us to live next to each other and be in the same community, enjoying ourselves without conflict. I just hope to put it behind me. Together with you. And if you feel too uncomfortable with the whole post and with me, then I will accept it without a question. It is your right not to engage with me in any way. Please do not feel forced to do anything. This is everything I wanted to say. It was a very long post, it was probably troublesome to read through it all. Everyone, Thank you all for your attention and for taking your time to listen to what I had to say. Thank you all for listening. Thank you for sticking with me. Again, I want to apologize for all the trouble and inconvenience with this post. I am sorry for bringing this problem up again. And again, I am sorry for all the mistakes I have made. For all the people I have hurt, I am sorry. Nobody is perfect, I know. But please know that I feel guilty. And please know that I miss you all. Your kladdi.

Well. After explaining the problem again, after talking about everything that has happened until now, after saying things against the community, exposing myself and listing all my mistakes, you might ask yourself what my intentions are at all. Why I even wrote everything down and published it for everyone to read. And what I want to do with that. Does this all have a purpose? Well. I want to return. At least that’s how I feel. Or rather, that’s what I wish. The truth is, I miss roleplaying. I really miss writing as Joe. I miss the community, my writing partners, my friends. Everything. It feels like an important part of me is missing now, and I’m not even exaggerating. Roleplaying has been a really joyful hobby for me that brings me happiness and great fun. I’d even say it’s a part of my life. Joe is a part of my life. She’s not just some character I made on a whim, she’s like a dear child to me. I felt miserable for every day since I left and archived my blog. I felt sad, and I still feel sad. However, I also feel that I can’t return. It’s a strange feeling, like an invisible barricade holding me off and keeping me away. It feels like a door I have closed behind me and can’t open again without having another door opened to move on in any way. After all that happened, I am not even sure if I should ever return, because I caused so much trouble. I am not even entirely sure if I can return. My muse for Joe died, or at least that’s how it feels. I tried to write her during my absence, I tried to think about headcanons, I even sat down and tried to redesign her battle outfit when out on the field. But I still feel blocked. It’s hard to create something for a character you had for quite a while with the fear inside your head to copy a canon character, or to even rip-off the interpretation of another roleplayer of said canon character. I have headcanons that have been on my mind for a few weeks or months, but I feel like I cannot post them anymore, under no circumstances because Moira exists now. It’s the anxiety that sits in my head, and I am not even sure if I can get ever rid of it. I really don’t know how to get my muse back. Further, I thought about a possible return, and I thought a lot about it. I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t want to return as if nothing happened. Things have changed, at least for me. So my return would come back with a few changes. Or rather, with a few demands I have. My first demand would be, that Joe gets the same treatment as every other canon character. This would mean that I want Joe to be included in canon and having a place in the universe, a solid place. I want to have the feel that she is part of this all, and won’t get excluded or put in a separate verse just because she is an oc. So, in short, I want her to be there, no matter what. I want her to be on the same level as every other character. How would your muse talk about and treat other canon characters if asked? Your answer is how I want Joe to be treated. My second demand is the acceptance of Joe being the creator of Widowmaker. The sole creator. No involvement of any other character. This means that I discard the popular fan interpretation of Moira having been involved with Widowmaker, and that I will not accept it in any way. Should Moira’s involvement become official and confirmed, I will ignore it and become canon divergent. I will not discuss this point and the reason for that is simple. As I stated, being responsible and the one behind Talon’s deadly assassin is the foundation on which Joe was created and made. Taking away that basis takes away Joe as a whole. I will not agree on a compromise in any way. I know that those are quite strong demands, and I am aware that I am asking for privileges only canon characters enjoy. Those demands might even be highly problematic, because I am asking to acknowledge Joe as canon. This means I am also asking to accept Joe being the sole creator of Widowmaker, too, without exception. I am aware that these demands might limit roleplayers and might even limit their interpretations and creativity, probably even limit them in their freedom overall. Then there is the question if a writer of an oc has the right to demand those things. Do I want too much? Maybe. Am I insolent with this? Maybe. But I cannot lie to myself. This is what I want. For myself. And for Joe. I know this is unfair. And probably impossible demands. But … that’s how it is. I feel awful, and my stomach turn demanding those, and yet I cannot change how I feel and I cannot change my needs. There is still another demand I have, but one that shouldn’t be too problematic. I ask everyone to acknowledge that Joe was here first. Yes, it might be that Blizzard has been working on Moira for months, even years, even before I had a single thought about Joe. However, we only know about Moira since the beginning of November. Joe has been around since April 2017. So, I ask everyone, including every Moira roleplayer, to be aware that Joe has been here first. She was first. And this fact won’t change. If those demands are not met, and the things I’m asking for are refused, then I fear I won’t return at all, even though I really want to. But if I won’t feel comfortable here, and if I won’t feel as if I have a solid place within the roleplay community, then well… I don’t know. There is also another thing I want. However, this is not a demand in any way, but more a wish. It’s a wish to make peace with Moira and to make peace with every Moira rp blog out there. So that we all can continue, so that I can continue with peace in mind.

I am aware that I just wrote about a lot of things that can be seen negatively, and a lot of things that might even hurt the community and its members. I wrote things that might enrage some of you, make some of you even mad. That’s fair. I understand. However, I fucked up a lot of things. I made a lot mistakes and hurt the people close to me. So, if I want to be completely honest here, I believe I have to lay open everything. My own wrongdoings, too. Without an excuse. I expressed my honest opinion about the community, however, I am in no way a victim. I did a lot wrong. I want to be open about it. So… how to start? Probably at the beginning. It is no secret that Moira’s reveal shocked me and shook me. I was in a really bad state, reacted very emotional, and very strongly. The first thing I did was to make a very emotional comparison between Joe and Moira. My tone was not nice. Rather, I pretty much… lashed out and insulted the canon character. In the same post, I let out my frustration about the community’s immediate reaction to Moira and how everyone immediately threw themselves at her. My heavy venting didn’t stop there, it had just started. Basically… everyone talking to me heard me venting heavily. No one was really spared. And during the last month, I don’t think there was ever a single day when I didn’t vent to someone. At this point, everyone is surely tired of hearing me lamenting over the same thing, over and over again. Through my venting, I lost friends. I pretty much overwhelmed one of my longest writing partners. I feel like I didn’t even leave them an option or room to explain themselves, or anything. A few days later, I tried to talk to them again, I tried to apologize. Well, during that conversation, I didn’t have the feel as if they were truly interested in solving this. Not only that, but I kind of pushed them to answer me whether they are still interested in writing and chatting with me. I never received an answer. I lost them, because of my mistakes. Another person was excited. They wanted to write me, being all excited after a game of Overwatch. However, I used that again to vent and to express my hurt and anger. I reacted pretty passive aggressive. They reacted, … kind of upset at first, and told me that it doesn’t have to be a competition. However, I blocked. Stayed upset. So… I was met with apathy. I found out that they didn’t care in the slightest and that they pretty much… well. I don’t know. But their words were clear. And I stopped bothering them. So, I lost another writing partner because of my venting. I continued to whine around. I continue to make posts and whine around in the tags. Even after I archived my blog, I pretty much continued to do so. The reason I did that was because I wanted attention. In a sense, yeah, I acted like an attention whore, wanting some kind of reaction, anything. Preferably people telling me they wanted me to stay. Not only did I whine around like a crybaby whenever I had the opportunity to do so, I also refused to accept any kind words at the same time and dismissed people reaching out for me, trying to persuade me to stay. It was as if I started to build a wall around me, demanding people to tear it down and get me out while pushing them away at the same time. Not only that, but to make it worse, I straight up ignored some persons. They never received a single message from me. I acted like an asshole towards them. That’s not it. The list goes on. I reacted to some of those who reached out. More specifically, I wanted to dismiss staying in touch with a mutual and friend, simply because I saw and I knew they started to interact with a bunch of Moira roleplayers. I even named that as the reason why I do not want to stay in touch with them. In short, I attempted to guilt trip them. I hurt them deeply with my behavior, with my acting out and my distrust, accusing them of having replaced Joe with Moira already since they started shipping already. I know this so well because I read their post regarding this situation and my actions and reactions towards them. I archived my blog out of spite. I was so sure that no one even cared about me or about Joe, that no one really cared about an oc, that she was replaced and forgotten already, that I didn’t see a difference whether I stayed or not. This was quite the passive aggressive reaction. And I think people knew that, people got exactly that vibe out of my action. At one point, I even threaten to delete my whole blog, whined even more, because I gave up, because I wanted attention again, just to see if… if people care. Even though, deep inside, I was so sure no one cared. Even after archiving, I acted out. I was in a really bad emotional state again that I wiped my whole discord friend list. I removed everyone as a friend, because I was sure I didn’t deserve anyone. But the truth is, at the same time I just hoped they would have noticed what I have done. And would have reached out for me again. And when I noticed that not everyone did, I felt like I was right all the time. That no one really cared for me, that they didn’t even notice I was gone. I continued to act really hurt and really upset. My venting got stronger, even more aggressive. I started to vent heavily about the community and about every good deed. I continued to treat people unfair. At one point, I got really angry and mad. So, I let it all out at one of my mutuals I would even call a friend. Everything that upset me about the community and their behavior I let it out on them. Everything. I accused them of acting like a hypocrite, and pretty much degraded them. I lashed out on them, even though nothing of that was their fault. I refused to listen to people claiming they really missed me. I started to distrust everyone, and pretty much build a higher wall around me. I refused to be reasonable. Still, I demanded real proof that people missed me and prove that they really wanted me back. I demanded proof all the time. Like…they had to prove something you just couldn’t prove. I demanded the impossible. The more appreciation and validation I got, the better, and yet I didn’t believe any of this, making it a hard time for everyone. I felt strong hate towards Moira. Not all the time, but sometimes. I let it out through venting. People got worried that I might even go out of my way and send roleplayers hate because of their muse. One person even called me out on being discriminating towards them. To be honest, they were probably right. I might have felt and thought like that temporarily. In short, I behaved like a complete moron and an asshole. This all results from a really bad mindset I have. It’s the mindset of “either you are with me, or you are against me”. The whole Moira stuff felt like a competition, so I treated it as a competition, even if not consciously. Seeing people moving on made me feel like they were against me. Therefore… I stopped believing. Secretly, I really wished some people would have chosen Joe, and would have chosen to stick with Joe. To say it differently, I secretly wished people would have chosen Joe over Moira, in every aspect. It is stupid to hope for something like that. It is stupid to make people choose from an ultimatum. And yet,… this is how I felt. I really wished. And I never got my wish. So I acted out like a crying child. I am sorry. I am sorry that I hurt those close to me. I am sorry for every friend I lost because of my behavior. I am truly sorry for… for everything I have done. Words cannot undo the wrong things I have done. And words… probably won’t mean anything after all. And yet, I hope people can forgive me. I hope to make it up. I hope that you all believe me that I am really sorry, and that I wish I was a better person.

So, I talked a lot about that topic already. But that’s still not it. Let’s continue, because I still have a lot left to say and a lot that I want to tell you. Eventually, I was an emotional wreckage pretty fast. Maybe I reacted too hastily. But as you all know, I archived my blog, and pretty much murdered my own character with that action. I really got the feel that it wouldn’t make a difference if I was there or not, and I was so sure I was causing discourse and stress and bothered everyone that I came to the conclusion I have to go. I have to say, I never expected such a huge reaction to that. I didn’t expect people to be sad about it, or to even show any kind of emotion to that. I didn’t expect that one support post. It appeared out of a sudden and out of nowhere. I had absolutely no clue that the person did that, and only after that post was made and posted online some people who have added me as a friend on discord notified me about it. It was a post that asked people to like and reblog it in order to show that people still had interest in writing with Joe, or at least to show that they appreciated that I was there. Not only that, but some sent me screenshots about the notes it got, and screenshots about the tags people wrote. I read through all the tags in the reblogs, and I took a look at the notes that continued to rise even the day after it was posted. This brought me to tears. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you here that I cried seeing all that. I could’ve never imagined that people I only met on tumblr and even people I never engaged with would’ve shown so much support and sympathy. I wasn’t sure if I could accept such kindness. It was hard for me to realize that apparently, people really missed me, or that it seemed like that at least. Of course, I was happy about that. I felt joy, and I felt important, important enough for people to do this. But at the same time, I felt immense guilt, because I thought I didn’t deserve any of this after disappearing like I did. I acted out of spite and passive aggressively, and yet people tried to reach out and show me that I mattered. And I felt so much gratitude that I had trouble to think of a proper way to thank everyone and how to express that. It was a really good feeling. That post warmed my heart. I really considered returning immediately after that. But I couldn’t. I felt like I am not allowed to return so fast after I left. I felt like people won’t ever believe me or won’t take me seriously anymore if I change my mind so rapidly and cannot decide what to do. I feared I will lose the trust of anyone and that no one will ever listen to me or to my opinion. So I wanted to wait a little longer before I come back. However, that was a mistake. The longer I waited, the darker my thoughts got. Meanwhile, I even tried to cover my upset about Moira. I was not over it, not at all, and yet I thought I were and tried to make some neutral comments about her on a discord server I was shortly part of. I joked around, I even considered headcanons between her and Joe. But then I heard her voice for the first time, and I panicked since her voice sounded similar to the voice claim I have chosen for Joe months ago. And everything fired back. I was not ready, I lied to myself and I fooled myself. Then, I started to feel fooled by the community, and fooled by the support post. I read it again. This time, I thought differently about the post. It never stated that they want me to come back really, or that they try to achieve that. It stood for support, and said that it also supported everything I have done so far. This time, it sounded to me as if people have put the whole matter of me being gone behind. So, that meant for me that the whole post didn’t matter anymore. In hindsight, it was really nice that people went through all the trouble making one, reblogging and liking it. But it didn’t change a single thing. Curse me and my curiosity, I was still checking tumblr and still checking some of my favorite blogs. Despite having reblogged that post, people just continued with their everyday life and existence on the website. It is logical to move on, I get that. However, I felt hurt and I felt as if my point was proven, that it really didn’t make a single difference if I was there or not. Everyone continued to interact with every Moira available. Everyone continued to reblog every art post and every other post containing her. The popular fanon of her making Widowmaker spread wide, almost across every blog I have known. Or, in short, I saw how Joe got replaced, and how easily replaceable she is. I stopped believing people who said to me, or wrote in the tags that they loved Joe and thought she was a great character. To me, these are only words, but I don’t feel as if there ever was a real meaning behind it. Especially not seeing how fast Moira took over. I know that emotions are not rational and that everything might have been different from what I perceived. However, this is the impression I got and this is how I felt and how I still feel. I got the feeling that I am not missed at all. The feel that I probably was never a real part of the community and probably never had a real place in there got stronger and stronger. I also looked through the notes again, looked at who had reblogged or liked, and what was written in the tags. That post also revealed something really hurtful to me. Some of my mutuals, or perhaps former mutuals by now, never interacted with that post. Either they didn’t see it at all, or they didn’t bother at all. And I believe it’s the ladder. It gave me the feel that I was wrong thinking I had made friends, it gave me the feel that I those mutuals never even noticed I was gone, and therefore, never really cared about me of my blog. Considering that these mutuals really meant something for me, it was painful to come to that realization. Taking another look at the tags, I felt confused and had mixed feelings. I was doubtful, and started to question whether people meant it when they wanted me to come back. Some people even wrote stuff in the tags like, they saw me interacting with their mutuals and never knew how to get their muse and mine to interact. Or that they would want to interact with Joe now if they got the chance. I didn’t like reading those tags at all, and they made me feel bitter and even angry to some degree. I understand it is difficult to approach someone new. However, in my opinion, it is easy to say those things once a blog is archived or gone. I felt as if they weren’t even trying. I felt messed around. I even followed one or two of those who wrote in the tag that they wanted to interact with Joe. However, I never received a follow back from then, and even after sending them meme asks, it was as if they didn’t notice me. So, why now? Why now, when I am gone and Joe is no more? I didn’t feel good with that. More and more, I got the impression that the post was liked and reblogged out of a whim. I had the impression that people reblogged that, thought about it for only a few minutes, and then forgot it immediately to continue whatever they were doing. I got the impression that people did that to ease their conscience for whatever reason they had. It felt like they didn’t care about me, but more about themselves, so they wouldn’t be seen as uncaring or similar. I cannot prove that claim. Maybe I am wrong. But this was my impression afterwards. It was nice to hear “please come back!” or “come back Joe”, but, as I already said, those are words. And from what I saw, no action followed after that. It felt like, yeah, that’s it. That’s all. To say it directly and bluntly: It felt like no one of you ever cared about Joe, and that you never missed her and that you all have forgotten her already. Some people even brought another post to my attention. I had the impression it was a call out post to the roleplay community, mainly aimed at the people who have sent me those anonymous messages. The post sounded kind of aggressive, and clearly expressed how upset the writer was about this happening and how angry they were that a blog got chased off. However, the post was not about my case. I doubt that. The wording was vague and really poor. Looking through the notes and the reblogs, I quickly noticed that everyone interpreted that a Moira rp blog got chased off. They didn’t question what has happened or what was observed. People immediately jumped the gun and went ahead protecting Moira, protecting the canon character. In all honesty, I am confused why people showed me the post and why they insisted it was about me. Further, that post even showed me that people will always care more about the canon characters than any oc existing. This was the impression I got. I felt… a little more indifferent about the post than I assumed. And I felt bitter. I guess my constant mood was bitter and upset. And hopeless. In conclusion, I felt hurt. I felt dismissed, pushed aside and replaced. In the end, I don’t think it were the anons that chased me off and made me leave. They played a part in it, I won’t deny that, but I feel like the fact that I lost close mutuals and friends, that the roleplay community gave me the impression that it’s just an oc and that it doesn’t matter if an oc is there or not, that people moved on so quickly – I think those hurt a lot more, and that those were the reasons why I have gone in the first place. It wasn’t the anonymous messages from people I don’t know. It was the people I thought of as friends, the people I thought we were close to each other.

This part of my post will take the longest time to read. It was also the hardest part to write for me, because here I am talking about a lot of different things regarding the community and the community’s actions and reactions. It is difficult to talk about it all and to talk about my honest feelings and thoughts. I have very mixed feelings. Some things moved me to tears and made me happy. But other things made me really sad and hurt me, deeper than you can imagine. I’m not even sure if any of you can follow my thoughts and understand my pain, understand why some things hurt me the way they did. However, I need to get this all out and come clear. So that means you have a bitter pill to swallow if you choose to read until the end. And I cannot guarantee I won’t hurt anyone with my words. Let’s continue where I ended the last part. So, I received anonymous asks that hurt me, although they didn’t contain any “hate”, or what I understand as hate. While I had no strength to argue with them or even the strength to give them a proper reply, others did in my position. Others raised their voice on my behalf and took my side, even protected me. At least it felt like it. One person even took it so far to reblog the question along with a whole argumentation against the anonymous person writing me. It was a good feeling to know I had people getting behind me and aiding me. My mood was overall very low and I felt depressed, so seeing people doing this made me feel really glad to have you as my mutuals. However, that feeling didn’t last long. While I am really grateful for the people taking my side here and defending Joe as an original character, doubts came up. At some point, I was confused, and slowly, I started to distrust the people’s good intentions. I don’t know. It was really nice reading the supporting comments and such, but it didn’t help me with my problem with Moira at all. The problem persisted. The problem started with her reveal and the community’s reaction. From what I have observed, people literally threw themselves at Moira immediately, even before any Moira rp blog existed. People basically begged Moiras for interactions. People praised Moira loudly, as if there was no tomorrow. People instantly wanted to ship with her. I’ve been on tumblr for about a year and 4 months now and this is the first time I saw such an overwhelming positive reaction towards a character. But considering how similar Moira and Joe are, seeing such reactions clearly hurt me. It has been always like that, original character have to prove themselves worthy to be even looked at. It is hard. Getting dismissed even harder. I’ve put so much work and effort into Joe and I never experienced such a great interest or even the strong desire to interact with my character. Meanwhile, all a canon character has to do is to exist. Do not defy that, because this is something everyone can observe and something that is true for the Overwatch fandom. So, seeing how big the hype was and probably still is, seeing how people basically begged for Moira rp blogs to come to them, it was really easy to feel robbed off your place you have built up for yourself over months. It was really easy to feel pushed out, and ultimately, replaced. It is even easier to feel that way when it is a canon character that basically takes your oc’s place. I daresay that those who only write or have written canon characters will not understand my problem and my emotional state, while I believe that fellow oc creators and writers might have a grasp on the whole problem and the whole pain I was going through. I claim that because I lost close mutuals and friends from who I believe that they didn’t understand my pain. Or, something. I don’t know what the exact reason was, but fact is, I lost them because of Moira existing. I couldn’t be mad at all when a close writing partner was overly exited about Moira and the fact that she is Irish. They immediately suggested doing something with Joe and Moira together. And I believe they were confused why I declined, and that they didn’t really understand why I was hurt. I vented to them. Heavily. But, in hindsight, I should’ve known that this was in vain and perhaps I should’ve shut up. It didn’t end well. At one point I even confronted them and asked them for any differences between Joe and Moira, for any major differences, something to clearly distinguish both. They disappointed me with their answer. Their answer was that Moira sought scientific progress at all cost and not stopping for anything, while Joe did the same but with restrictions. For those who don’t know Joe: I stated in her biography that she went for prison because she conducted human experimentation on her patients without their knowledge, even willingly killing some of them. Instead of just writing and publishing a paper that got dismissed, Joe went ahead and experimented directly on human test subjects. I have made a detailed headcanon post about her self experimentation, stating how far she altered her own body after proper research and testing everything on others. I have written with the person for over half a year, we talked quite frequently, and we exchanged headcanons about our muses, so I thought they knew better. But it seemed they didn’t, or never paid enough attention to Joe, so that they put Moira over Joe in terms of who is morally more corrupt and willingly to go the full length. This was and still is a big deal to me. After telling this them, they… well. Told me I should hold on because this is difficult. Them saying this proved my point further that they are too similar, and that there are no differences. After a few days, I tried to talk to them again and tried putting our differences aside. I saw this as an argument between us, but I am not sure how they viewed the conversation. But the end result was, that I confronted them whether they still had any interest in writing with me. I never received an answer to that question. So I took this as a clear answer. There was another conversation I had with a person. I knew they made a Moira rp blog next to the blog they already have. I thought that maybe they could offer me some answers, or some differences. We talked a long while, we pretty much examined both biographies and background stories and the facts. But the end result was that there weren’t any significant differences between Joe and Moira. They tried to pull straws, but they found nothing, which left me devastated and frankly heartbroken. Just, overall broken. They wanted to help me. But I also had the feel that they weren’t even trying, and so I lost faith in them. It seemed I lost another mutual. That’s not it. Through my venting, I lost even another mutual. They were overly excited about something concerning Overwatch. I don’t even know what it was anymore, but I know I took it as an opportunity to vent yet again. This time, it was when I heard about the voiceline interaction between Moira and Widowmaker that pretty much shattered me completely. They told me I shouldn’t see it as a competition because it doesn’t have to be a competition. Maybe they were right. However, with how similar these two characters are, it was a competition for me, it felt like that. Promptly, they reacted apathetic towards me. It hurt. Well, maybe I was overreacting since we were never close. However, it hurt. It hurt even more considering they are writing an oc and experienced a short “oh fuck” moment upon Moira’s reveal, too. It hurt even more knowing that they also seek for approval of their oc as well as inclusion of their oc to the canon universe. But also knowing that they well… mainly seem to interact with canon characters, or at least that was what I observed, I just assumed they didn’t know my pain, and in the end, they never really cared. Another mutual lost because of Moira. I also lost another mutual, and this time a really close writing partner and friend. I know that this loss was my fault, but I didn’t feel like I could continue keeping in contact with them, knowing how fast they moved on onto Moira, how fast they started to interact with god knows how many, I counted at least 5 or so within the first week of her reveal, how fast they started to ship their muse with Moira. From my perspective, I felt hurt, I felt quickly replaced, and I felt pushed aside. I mean, even in looks, Moira and Joe are similar. So seeing them immediately shipping, well… it really did feel like Joe is easily replaced. Like there was nothing special about her, like she was just ‘another character’, or well, that it showed canon characters are better. And let me tell you, it hurt seeing them on my dash reblogging apparently every Moira post, it hurt scrolling through their blog even though they were one of my favorites. They weren’t the only one doing that. It was like my dash was Moira only. I couldn’t scroll through my favorite blogs or coming online without seeing her everywhere. It felt like a slap in the face, that kind of slap that makes you turn your head. Especially the people claiming they loved Joe and that they missed Joe did that. So tell me, how should I trust you and believe you that you really miss Joe when you clearly have moved on onto Moira, and seeing how Moira took over your interactions and your blog, too. The answer is, I didn’t believe them a single word. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. During that time, I was still on tumblr and my blog was not archived. But all I got out from what was happening, I got the feel that it wouldn’t even make a difference if I was gone. I know that people tried to help me somehow, and that they were probably overwhelmed with the problem at hand. But there was another thing that really hurt. That thing was that quite a few people, quite a few, even friends, even anonymous asks suggested to me that I should change Joe. That I should change something in her background story, that I should change anything there, that I should change her appearance even, like changing her hair color. These suggestions only evoked questions in me: Joe was here first. Then why should I change Joe for the sake of a canon character? Why should I change my oc and with that basically move and make space? Why should I do that to distinguish them, why do I have to do this? Why is this my job? Needless to say… it hurt, too. It hurt, because it felt like I was told to move and change because of canon, because of Moira. I don’t have any other way to put how I feel but like this. Considering the matter with Widowmakers creation, there is another thing that hit me deep and that hurt. Do you still remember how I wanted to talk to a former mutual who had made a Moira blog? I also talked to them on another behalf. They wanted to suggest a plot to me, and I was curious enough to give it a listen. But after hearing what they suggested, I felt shattered all over again. They wanted to suggest that both Moira and Joe work on Widowmaker, that Moira did the main part and seeking out for Joe for a little help. Now consider this: Joe’s whole foundation is her being the sole maker of the deadly sniper. Why? Because this was the very first and is the main thought I had making Joe. This is her identity. This is her being. Their suggestion would’ve taken this all away. I wish that was all I had to say, and that this was all that upset me. Sadly, there’s more.

I made a post. I vented openly. So I guess in the end, I might even have provoked people to send me anonymous asks and messages, and telling me their opinion. People sent me anonymous asks and their opinion. Well, to say at least, I got quite the reaction and contra. Which is fair, I would say. I won’t sugarcoat it. Those anons hurt me. What they had to say to me hurt me and I feel attacked to a certain degree. However, I still feel like these weren’t so called “hate anons”. I didn’t perceive their opinion as hate in any way. They didn’t insult me. They didn’t bash me. I might have felt attacked as a person a bit here, but mostly, they stayed on topic and commented and Joe and the problem at hand. And everyone has the right to tell their opinion. What’s really upsetting me is, that those individuals chose to do so anonymously. They hid behind a gray mask and gave me no option to find out who that might have been. To clarify here, it was never my attention to call out people who criticized me or wanted to call me out on various things, to call me out on Joe. But I wished they would have been open about who they were. This way, I could have replied to them privately, without making it public. This way, maybe I could have talked to them and discuss their opinion with them. Maybe then I would have brought up enough strength to actually discuss the whole matter, even though the wound was still fresh. Maybe I should have discussed the accusations and actually should have given them my opinion and how I see the things. But I was too weak. I dismissed that, and just gave halfhearted replies to that. Maybe I reacted the right way, since I didn’t give them too much attention. Or even the wrong way, because I gave them attention nonetheless. So. In short, I am still very confused. But there is another thing that hurt me deeply about those anonymous messages. It was the uncertainty. I already mentioned how it was a problem for me to not know who the people behind those messages were. The real reason is, I feared those people might have been mutuals or writing partners. I feared that those might have been people I considered close to me, and who I considered friends. It might be that my feelings might be irrational. But they were there and they are still there. And should this turn out as true, then it would feel to me like people backstabbing me. I don’t want to get back-stabbed. I think no one wants to. This uncertainty is still pretty much eating me. In all honesty, it really confuses me even now. I started to doubt a lot, and I started to doubt people I called mutuals and friends. I even started to doubt my place within the community. It might seem a bit too exaggerated, however, that’s how I feel and how I think based on what has happened. Those anons received a reaction from the community. This leads me to my next point.

As you all probably know already, I have a huge issue with Overwatch, their newest character and the community. But in order to understand how much of a problem it is to me, and how much it affected me and even still affects me, I think it’s necessary to repeat once again, what exactly was the problem for me, even though we heard it enough and everyone is already tired of me repeating myself over and over. So, back to the start. Back to the day Moira was revealed, on Friday, 3rd November. I still remember that day vividly. I was checking tumblr, and didn’t expect anything. And suddenly, she was everywhere, and pretty much everyone shared her video and her reveal. No big deal, one might think, but for me, this was the biggest deal and the biggest blow. I saw the similarities at first glance. The best word, that would describe the similarities would be “uncanny”. The pointy longish face, pointy chin, the prominent cheekbones, red hair, the powerful and terrifying appearance and scary attitude. These were the similarities I saw at first glance. I wasn’t the only one. I got messages from mutuals, saying something like “I am not saying that your OC is as good as a canon character, but” followed with a link of Moira. I was tagged in Moira stuff. I was told that people saw the uncanny similarities even before I made my post listing everything that is similar or straight up the same. The similarities go further. I took a good look at Moira, and a look at her background story. They are around the same age, with a difference of 6 years. They are both scientist. While I admit that I never stated Joe being a geneticist in any way, I stated in more than enough headcanon posts, that Joe works on genetics with the goal to alter and improve the human DNA, to better humanity. I stated in her biography, that she pushes on to bring humanity to the next step of evolution, by force if necessary. Therefore, both even work and research in exact the same science field. Both work towards the same goals, and they have the same motivation to do that. Let’s go further and take a look back at both their background stories. Note that I can only analyze what Blizzard has officially released. So, we have two brilliant scientists here. Both had an ethically questionable approach and got dismissed for their ideas. Both are now working for Talon and working towards Talon’s goals, while pursuing their own. Both are known as incredibly intelligent and dangerous. Both are about to change the world. The only difference in their backgrounds is, that Moira was offered to work for Blackwatch, since she was incredibly talented. Joe went to prison and spent 10 years there, secretly working for the government. But even here are similarities. Moira’s work was kept a secret. And once Overwatch broke down and disbanded, they denied having ever worked with her. Joe was known as officially having received her death sentence, and therefore dead. The government had her in their hands, but officially, they would even deny her existence, therefore also denying having ever worked with her. So, in conclusion, they are too similar. For my tastes, at least. I can go even further. Observing Moira and seeing her hitting PTR, then the live servers, I skimmed through her wiki page, and read her voice lines. Based on these, I can even conclude that Moira and Joe even have a similar character. Both are arrogant and condescending towards others. Both lack empathy towards others and only get really excited when it comes down to scientific progress and results. Both are intelligent, and they are both aware of it, they act like it. That is the base problem. But sadly, that’s not it. The problem goes even further. Not only being incredibly similar to Joe, Moira even defies the core on which Joe was based and made in first place. I am talking about Widowmaker and her creation. One day I sat down and thought about a simple question. Who could the person behind Widowmaker be? Someone had to do it after all. And that’s when I made Joe. That was around 8 months ago. Joe got her own blog in April 2017. However, Moira defies Joe’s base with a simple voice line interaction between her and Widowmaker. The interaction indicates, that Moira had to do something with her making. Later I was told that it was canonically confirmed that she has to do something with her genes, with her being blue and her body alterations. The fact that it’s getting a real popular fanon that Moira was even behind the brainwashing doesn’t help me. It makes the whole thing even harder for me, because I get the feeling that all these facts and popular opinions erase Joe. Or, to word it differently, so you might understand it better. Imagine you have a canon muse. And everything is going fine. But you know one day other canon muses, so called duplicates, will appear. It is difficult. You fear they do a better job. You might even feel robbed off your ideas and headcanons if you find similarities between your interpretation and their interpretation. This here is not a problem of having a duplicate. It goes deeper. It feels more like having your ideas taken away. Like having your character taken away and replaced. It feels like having the “originality” taken away from your “original character”. I was told, during one of my vents, that it doesn’t have to be a competition. Maybe the person was right. Nothing has to be a competition and I saw more than enough posts going around where people discourage any competitiveness within the roleplay community. However, for me, it does feel like a competition. It does feel like I have to compete against canon now. Even more so since it is confirmed that Joe is in fact canon divergent. In short, it is a competition between a canon character and an oc. And taking into account how the tumblr mentality is, from my view point after writing ocs for over a year, I don’t have a chance. Considering how strong and immense the hype in the community was and even still is, I feel like I lost already. That it’s over. That it was a fight I was never meant to go out of it even. While I still want to state that I do not have any problem with Blizzard revealing another character to the roster, and expanding their universe and giving us a bit of lore, and while I want to stress out that I do not accuse them of stealing or ripping me off in any way, as I am aware how long a design process takes and that they probably were working on her for months, perhaps even years, I still want to express that I am hurt by that coincidence. That, while it is not a rip off, it still feels like a rip off. This is my problem. And it hurts. Deeply.