𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐘 !

𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐀𝐍𝐘 𝐒. 𝐏𝐈𝐄𝐑𝐂𝐄.

I think I know how to handle Lord T, this isn’t my first run in with him. That’s fine if he isn’t into animals that are alive, but having you horde them is definitely not a good idea. You know I want to be back so quick, but just taking some time to catch up with my parents. I do owe it to my mom to see her every once in a while since she basically paid for me to go to New York in the first place. If you want to make that trip to Lima, don’t hesitate. You know I’d love to see you.

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He’s a New York guy now. Been around the streets a few times, I’m pretty sure he’s been hanging out with the cats in the Bronx so he’s like in his second form. Kinda like a Pokemon so you might want to watch out for those claws. Right, well I hope you do come back here sooner or later. I think New York’s missing you. How are your parents, by the way? 

Wait, I thought all the Twilight people were the vampires? Lauren made me watch them like four times, but I was too busy trying to cop a feel to remember any of the plot. Guess we’ll never know. 

My ma’s not super big on being interviewed. Plus, I don’t think anything she’d want to say would interest your viewers, unless they want lectures on Judaism, cleaning up their rooms, or the dangers of pre-marital sex… but given way too fucking late. Nah, she likes cheese. At least if it’s kosher. 

No, there was like vampires. Like, Rob Patz. And then there were like the bad vampires. I think they were like the vegetables or something which makes total sense because veggies are disgusting.

Nah, it’s a Jewish holiday, Britt. It’s to celebrate my homies’ freedom from like a jillion years ago. She does make a pretty mean casserole, though, I’m not gonna lie. You mean for your fondue show? I’m down, but I’m not sure my ma would be. 

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That’s really cool. I mean, I can’t believe your homies are that old! They must be like vampires and I already thought those Twilight people killed all the vampires. Then again I didn’t finish the movies so maybe they lived. Fondue for Two, yes, it’s only the best show on the internet so why wouldn’t your mom want to me on it. Is it because of the cheese?

It is the thought that counts, but don’t accept anymore dead rats, okay? Maybe accept something that is alive next time. I’m aching for another New York trip. They would make me want to rip my hair out, but I do miss being around the Broadway twins. And especially you, B. It’s so difficult to drive by your house and not be able to stop like old times. I’m so happy for you, though. Being able to experience New York is one of the best things for you. 

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Deal, but you’ll have to personally take that one up with Lord T. I don’t think he’s really into the whole alive thing. Thanks, I’m weirdly enjoying it here so you have to promise you’ll come back like ASAP Rocky, although I don’t think a trip to Lima would hurt either. After all, I do get to create my own schedule and the Tweevils are seriously killing my buzz nowadays.

No one should aspire to be anything like the Paul brothers, Britt. So you made the wise choice there. Puck’s job is here so we’re staying put for the time being, maybe one day we’ll join the rest of you in the city. I do really want to visit soon though, for sure.

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Fair, but they are totally rich and I wanna be filthy rich. Maybe they’re doing something right. You have to! I have a guest room so you and Puck could crash here whenever and def be content as long as your fine with the giant portrait of me that’s in there. You two would totes thrive here though. You know, hypothetically. 

Yeah, Britts, that’s not good. You thought it was sweet? It looks like I need to make my way back to New York here soon to do a check on your place. You can’t be living with a rat in your fridge. 

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But I always thought that it was the thought that counted, even if it is a dead and smelly one. Are you serious? New York is like seriously lacking without you here. Sometimes I hang out with Rachel, but I can really only handle her in small doses but I’ll literally stuff a hundred rats in my fridge if it means you’ll come back to New York.

Whoever’s planning on being in Lima next weekend, hit me up - I’m heading back home for Passover, and I’m definitely gonna wanna party after a boring AF dinner with my mom and sister. 

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You’re going to Lima for Passover? Why? I thought Passover was like a type of casserole, does your mom just like make a really mean casserole? But I feel like I could totally make some room and hop on a plane to Lima, but only if you let me interview you. Or your mom. She seems cool.

Mister T is doing great. Unfortunately, he has to be on a diet. His bougie vet said that he’s getting “obese” whatever that means because I thought obese was another word for a triangle, but now that means he can’t have mozzarella sticks which has put him in a really bad mood lately. So, I guess he really isn’t doing great. I lied.

I always thought I’d be itching to move to New York the second I graduated Yale but I do have to say the LA vibe is growing on me. Auditions however? Not my jam. How is everyone else doing? Please tell me your future’s are all shining brighter than mine seems to be.

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LA is such a fun little place, but I decided I like didn’t want to become Jake Paul because that’s super scary and I just would not look good with a pixie cut. Why don’t you and Puckerman like literally pack up to New York? I’m sure you’re gonna shoot off at some point, but they make movies here too Quinny! I always thought you’d always thrive as a New York bitch.

Duhsies. San, Quinn, all those other bitches. We still chit chat.

Totally. I miss the Cheerios like every day and to this day I still think I’m the best class president that’s ever been through McKinley, sorry not sorry Blaine Warbler. I don’t really miss school though because I was like never really good at it despite being like a total genius.

Have you ever seen those videos where they like edit Shrek onto doggy competition videos? Those really get me laughing.

I think you should definitely consider throwing that out, peace offering or not. How long has that been in your fridge, B?

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I don’t know like.... a week? Is that bad? I just thought the smell was the natural scent of rat. I thought it was like kinda sweet.

I kind of lose everything. Most of the time it normally just ends up under my couch or Lord Tubbington has a real case of the klepto paw. The most recent development though has been losing my keys so now I just carry around baby keys. 

Making Fondue for Two. Obviously. And the Brittany Code. 

I don’t think I’ve had any financial mistakes, but my mom is totally convinced that me buying my unicorn table was a mistake.