White People: How to Talk to Your Parents* About Trump

Here are some of the common scenarios that you’ll encounter. Feel free to cut and paste, or use as a jumping off point to write your own answer. This page will be an evolving document, but if you run into a scenario that you don’t see here, feel free to hit up our ask.

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“I’m not racist.” But you voted for someone who was endorsed by the KKK. The election of Trump has given him and his hateful rhetoric and actions cover. Women are having their hijabs pulled off and swastikas are being spraypainted in public and children are going into classrooms and chanting BUILD THE WALL at their Hispanic classmates. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, hate crimes are up since the election. And if she talks about how she isn’t racist or homophobic, et al, then she should be working to condemn the hate that those marginalized groups are getting.

LINK: Voted for Trump? I have only one plea.

“Donald Trump is not a racist.” Donald Trump said that U.S. District Judge Gonzalo Curiel should be excused from hearing his Trump University case because he could not be impartial due to his Mexican heritage. Even Speaker Ryan called this the “textbook definition of a racist comment.” Not to mention that Trump has called Mexicans rapists, and in 1973, as President of Trump Management, he and his father were sued for discriminating against black tenants.  He led the birther movement, claiming President Obama was not born in the U.S. Even Colin Powell, Secretary of State for George W. Bush, calls that racism.

“Donald Trump loves women.” He bragged about grabbing women by the pussy. (If that word offends you, know that I’m just quoting the President-Elect.) He is on tape saying that he could get away with that. Then when women came forward and said he had done precisely that, he labeled them “haters” and threatened to sue. Most women do not report their assaults because the justice system does not have a great track record on prosecuting them. One in three women will experience sexual assault in their lifetimes. Nearly even single woman in your life has experienced a time when a man has made an unwanted gesture or comment, had someone reduce her to a “thing” rather than a person. You might say this is “just how men talk” or that it’s “locker room talk” but that does not make it right. 1 in 33 men have also been the victims of rape or attempted rape. Making light of rape as “just how men talk” makes the problem worse, not better.

“He’s totally cool with gay people!”

His Vice-President signed a bill in Indiana that gave businesses the right to discriminate against gay people. Mike Pence even wanted to divert tax dollars spent on fighting AIDS/HIV to support gay conversion therapy. He didn’t want to sign the Matthew Shepard hate crimes bill because it advanced a “radical social agenda.” His Vice-President doesn’t think gay people should even exist. And Ken Blackwell has been appointed to lead the domestic policy on the transition team. Blackwell has compared homosexuality to arson and kleptomania. Mike Pence thinks that gay marriage will lead to societal collapse and wants to roll back protection for trans people.

“He tells it like it is. I like that.”

He’s talked about banning Muslims and keeping a database of American Muslims, punishing women for having abortions and rounding up undocumented citizens with a deportation force. He called Mexicans rapists. He’s made fun of disabled people. He has asked why we can’t use our nuclear arsenal. He has promised to jail his political opponent and called for Hillary Clinton to be assassinated twice.  He has praised Vladimir Putin and Saddam Hussein. That’s what you like?

“He won’t do what he said, he was just exaggerating/joking.” Wait, but didn’t you just say you liked him because he “told it like it is?” But if he won’t do what he said, that what will he do? It’s terrifying that a President has been elected whose policies we do not know.

However, putting all of that aside, it doesn’t matter. Because Donald Trump has normalized hate. Hate crimes against Muslims are up 89% this year. And post-election, there have been an uptick in hate crimes. The KKK in North Carolina is planning a victory parade.

“The whole system needs to be blown up!” You might be okay, but there are millions of non-white non-christian non-straight non-cis people who will not. Be okay. Blowing up the system means that actual people will be caught in the crossfire.

“He’s going to drain the swamp!”

His transition team and possible Cabinet picks are all lobbyists and Washington insiders.

“He’ll make us safe!”

A group of National Security Advisers have said “We are convinced that in the Oval Office, he [Trump] would be the most reckless President in American history.” And he’s having trouble filling National Security jobs.

Additionally, his ties with Russia threatens the NATO alliance.

He just named anti-Semitic white nationalist Steve Bannon to be his Chief Strategist. So the only people he is “making safe” is white people.

“Give him a chance./I don’t why you understand why you’re protesting you bunch of crybabies/sore losers.”

They are not throwing a temper tantrum. They are scared. A person who will actively harm them has just been elected President. His VP and his domestic transition leader do not think gay people should even exist. He wants to create a deportation force. He has bragged about assaulting women. Donald Trump said he could unite the country, so it is on him to do so. And if you need to really see what a temper tantrum looks like, maybe check out your President-Elect’s own Twitter

Rejecting a candidate like this is absolutely American. “But Obamacare made my premiums go up because I have a  chronic condition.” Obamacare needs some work. Premiums are high because insurance company CEOs are rewarding themselves with hundred million dollar salaries. Or because GOP governors wouldn’t accept the Medicaid expansions that would offset some of the cost.  But a cornerstone of Obamacare was that people could not be denied coverage because of preexisting conditions. Which means your chronic condition may mean you may not be able to get coverage anywhere once Obamacare is repealed. Disabled and aging people will also suffer.

“He’ll work really hard for us!”

He already wants weekends off.

Why isn’t there anything about Roe v. Wade and women’s healthcare?  

Because people who voted for Donald Trump don’t care about that going away.

The Southern Poverty Law Center has a great document about standing up to everyday bigotry here.

In the wake of the Presidential election, white people have been talking about a lot about shock. About how we did not know there were that many racist, xenophobic, sexist, homophobic, Trump voters in this country.

 Because we have not been paying attention.

“But I didn’t vote for Donald Trump! I’m not like those white people!”



Congrats. Have a stale cookie. Because that’s getting old. Don’t #notallwhitepeople this.  When we do that, it centers us and our feelings. 

 
 And what’s more important? Your feelings vs. the most dangerous person to marginalized groups in the United States (oh hell, the world), a guy who can do active physical harm to people, is about to be in the most powerful office on the planet?

 “It’s going to be so awkward at Thanksgiving! I’ve already unfriended my racist uncle.”



Don’t forget your aunt. 53% of white women voted for Donald Trump. 


As white people, we have to stop screenshotting Facebook convos with relatives and old classmates and sending them to people with a  OMG LOOK AT MY RACIST FRIEND THEY ARE SO AWFUL. (And please, please tell me you are not sending those to your friends of color. If you are sad or confused, white people, do not put any burden on someone who has less privilege than you. Check out ring theory.)

We have to stop saying “oh, my dad told me he was so happy about the election results and I bit my tongue because I need to be polite.”

We – white people – have to start saying something.

“So what do we say?”

You have to let them know that you are not okay with it. You cannot pretend that everything is okay. Maybe you won’t change their mind (you probably won’t) but you cannot let things slide when you hear a transphobic slur, a racial slur, &etc. 


There is a lot of great information at the Southern Poverty Law Center. But the long and the short of it is: that is not okay, those are not my values. One that works a lot when people are “joking” is to say wait, what’s funny about that? Make them unpack the joke.

BTW, this goes for your “cool, liberal” friends too. 



But if you still don't know what to say, we've written some ready-to-go templates for you.

Now you know what to say. So you need to say it. It will be weird. It will be uncomfortable. But this is white people’s responsibility. So get uncomfortable.

LINKS:

Your Friends & Relatives Did This, Now What Can You Do? by Derrick Lemos Questioning Safety Pin Solidarity, Or Why I Can’t Trust White People by Ijeoma Oluo

Have a question? Ask.