dazed & confused

had a checkup with my obgyn today since its been a year and half since having ray. which also means we are cleared to start trying again now that my csection wound is considered fully healed. its not the right time for us to do that but it did get me thinking of when we so welcome our next baby how nervous I am for that fourth trimester.

i had such bad postpartum anxiety and depression. i had huge amounts of support but I still felt so lost. it makes me anxious to even think about it all. the crying over nothing, the massive wave of anxiety that started at sundown and didnt waver until sun up. i couldn't let myself sleep at night when she would be sound asleep for fear of sids.

more than anything, i was beside myself that my milk never came in. the lactation consultant said i possibly had insufficient amounts of glandular tissue to produce milk. i mourned that part of my motherhood journey. I still do. and it makes me even more sad to think about rehashing it all again. because ill have to try again. i cant not. if by some miracle I can make enough to supplement with formula ill be over the moon.