ÂżYou know whatâs super confusing & legit distressing?
((We grew up with narcissist parents who never got help for context.))
Our parents claimed to have ADHD
(Iâve never seen a diagnosis & I suspect theyâre both autistic & only dad is actually ADHD, but letâs just say they are for now).
ÂżWhat makes that weird?
Narcissists see their children as a copy-paste.
âYou are me, but dumber.â
âYou are me, but worthless.â
They project their insecurities onto their children. Their kids are an object.
They treat their kids like a mirror, so they donât have to ACTUALLY look in a mirror.
This leads to things like:
âyou canât play football, youâll be horrible at itâ because the narc was bad at it,
âyou canât enjoy writing because youâre MY child & I like gamingâ
(that one was actually said to us by our dad, & the reverse of âcanât like gaming, have to like writingâ because momâs child)
âYou canât be trans because if thatâs what trans means then Iâm transâ
They wonât ALLOW their kids to be their own person.
ÂżWhat does this have to do with ADHD?
Our parents knew they had ADHD.
So we were ALLOWED. It was okay to be chaotic, energetic, etc.
It was allowed for us to hyperfocus, to hyperfixate
(but not allowed to get angry or annoyed at them for interrupting hyperfocus because they still want an obedient shadow & an Easy⢠relationship with no effort on their part)
BUT.
We were eight years old when we realised âhuh, I really relate to my autistic classmates as much as if not more than my ADHD onesâ.
But our parents will not accept they have autism.
So we were allowed to be ADHD,
but NOT allowed to be autistic.
The mindfuck this does to a neurodivergent child.
ÂĄI can stim! But not THOSE stims, youâll look autistic.
ÂĄI can hyperfocus! But itâs evil to get a special interest & start to identify with it too much.
ÂĄI can use a fidget spinner! But not THOSE stim toys, youâll look autistic.
ÂĄI can tap fingers on the keyboard (a stim)! But I canât rock or shake my hands because You Canât Look/Be Autisticâ˘.
ÂĄI can body double! But parallel play is an autistic thing & âÂżwhy arenât you talking to your friend??? ÂĄyouâre not even REALLY hanging out!â
ÂĄI can really like this food because Good Textureâ˘! But if I have a shutdown/meltdown because of Bad Texture⢠Iâm âthrowing a tantrumâ & âimmatureâ.
....
You see why this would cause identity crises & confusion & distress, Âżright?
It took 21 years for us to start accepting again, âokay, I probably am autistic & thatâs completely okay.â
(Disclaimer I donât actually know how many of those were truly autism vs ADHD because it was based on what our narc parents PERCEIVED to be different between them. & their perception led to abuse.)
If we âacted autisticâ, we would be abused. If we âacted ADHDâ, we were praised for Being Yourself⢠& Not Maskingâ˘.
So we learned to mask all autistic traits, & only partially mask ADHD.
We are still unravelling this. Relearning.
But there is no denying the identity confusion of being denied a part of ourself while praised for a similar part,
the distress (& further identity confusion) of being forced to mask ALL of the time even when we were exhausted or physically ill,
the aftermath of being forced to deny ourselves stim toys & weighted things & help we wouldâve benefitted from.
The number of meltdowns & shutdowns we assumed were anxiety attacks because there were No Other Optionsâ˘,
The number of meltdowns turned shutdown or vice versa because narc parent aggressively forced us out of one thinking it was a Temper Tantrum⢠or us being antisocial or Disrespectful⢠or Ignoring⢠people,
The amount of dangerous stims we developed (fingernail & skin biting, eating coins) after being forced to not properly stim,
Itâll take years to unpack all of this.
--
& yea. We are healing.
But in this moment of realisation & healing I wanna take a moment to just say something theyâll never hear: fuck you for trying to force me to become you & severely stunting my personal growth. I no longer need your acceptance & support. I hope you heal, eventually, but I wonât be coming back. I need to be okay with who I am first.
--
If you also have ADHD //and// ASD: we see you, we hear you, & youâre not alone. Youâre valid.
& most of all, you are NOT a bad child, too difficult, ungrateful, disrespectful, evil, rude, broken, Inconsistent⢠(as a negative) or anything else you were told for showing traits of both.
You deserved love, compassion, proper support, & acceptance.
You still do.
~Nico, Aiden, & Shatter
