how to deal with a narcissistic mother?
(painting not mine)
some techniques can be used to "deal" with your narcissistic mother. however, first of all, it is necessary to emphasize that:
you don't have to deal with her, you need to deal with yourself.
. GRAY ROCK METHOD - since the narcissist is a person who seeks excessive admiration from others and, in the case of mothers, they see in their daughter a threat to that "admiration", a threat to their self-esteem, the more she observes (or is allowed to observe) your achievements, your minimum steps and happiness, the more she will be driven to seek narcissistic supply from you, ruining your source of happiness, for not being able to see you happy.
therefore, the gray rock method is born here as a possibility to diminish, even if little, those situations in which the narcissist will be feel threatened by you. It is important to remember that the method does not aim to cure the narcissist, to prevent her from being toxic, even because it is impossible for someone to change the personality of someone who has no desire to change. this method is only intended to minimize potential situations that are harmful to your mental and emotional health, giving you more peace of mind.
how to apply the gray rock method?
- basically, it consists of remaining neutral and without emotion when faced with a toxic, manipulative person.
EVEN IF THE NARCISIST IMPACTS YOU, DO NOT ALLOW HER TO KNOW THIS. STAY NEUTRAL IN FRONT OF HER (even taking into account that her greatest desire is to obtain pleasure by reducing her self-esteem and her mood).
ACT IN AN INDIFFERENT WAY WHILE SHE TALKS WITH YOU
DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR LIFE, DON'T LET SHE HAVE ACCESS TO THE DETAILS OF YOUR LIFE
BECOME SOMEONE INACCESSIBLE FOR THE NARCISIST MOTHER. be monotonous, show little of your life to her.
SAY LITTLE WORDS, EVEN MORE IN THE SITUATIONS IN WHICH YOU NOTE THAT SHE IS LOOKING TO START A FIGHT
DO NOT SHOW INTEREST FOR CONTINUING A FIGHT THAT SHE BEGAN
DO NOT EXAGGERATE: without extremes, either of flattery, forcing yourself to be gentle, being excessively kind, or being extremely rude. act like a stone talking to her. you can't show emotions with her (note: it is important to focus on that word "her", because one thing you should also avoid is trying to act the same way with other people in your life, even more if you start to feel satisfaction in be so detached from her. remember: look for balance, don't be extreme, don't act in an excessive way with those who didn't give cause to receive it from you).
things you can start to DENY your narcissistic mother and that will help you to practice the gray rock method:
- ATTENTION
- OPINIONS
- VISUAL CONTACT
- GOSSIP
- BEING NEXT PHYSICALLY
- DISCUSSION
- MONEY OR OTHER MATERIAL GOODS.
this does not mean not saying anything at all to your mother, because even though this is ideal, we know the negative implications that this can have, even more so in the presence of a father or other facilitating person. then, talk (little) but without emotion, keeping yourself really neutral, without emotional involvement, with detachment, looking indifferent. the narcissist's mind will be exactly confused by not understanding why she is not managing to affect you emotionally. the narcissist wants he your emotions, and since she wants it, she also wants you to expose yourself emotionally by paying attention to her, talking to her. if you behave indifferently, she will tend to feel lost, as if she is losing her source of narcissistic supply.
in the words of the psychologist Skylar:
"When contact with a person is consistently unsatisfactory, without intense emotional reactions, your mind is reprogrammed to expect boredom instead of drama."
what we seek with this method is to reduce the narcissist's interest in you. can this be done at all times? no. does that mean that if she comes back to you to impact you, you’re doing everything wrong? no. because as I said above, the purpose of the method is not to cure or make narcissistic traits disappear, something that is not within our reach, but to use a strategy in order to, in some moments, reduce the possibility of her wanting impact you negatively.
"People do not have the power to hurt you; even if you are denigrated, beaten or insulted, the decision to consider whether what is happening is an insult or not is yours and yours alone."
As a personal experience, I briefly recount here that in some moments of practicing this method, I get the result of a mother who stays for days without even looking for me to do what she always did when I put myself more at her disposal, without noticing. she, who becomes bored and is led to believe that I have nothing interesting to give to her ego at that moment, starts to give her attention to several other things and people: things that I feel that give a great narcissistic supply to her: gossip programs showing the problems and failures of famous people, movies and series full of tragedies, reality shows, gossip and bad news constantly. consuming it not in a worried, reflective and minimally empathic way, but as if it were fun. so, even for a while, she takes the focus off me.
. ZERO CONTACT METHOD (or NO-CONTACT RULE)
this method tends to be one of the most effective and most relevant for helping a victim out of a cycle of abuse and dependence. however, not all people are able to apply it, which is completely understandable, considering that we are facing a dynamic relationship that naturally involves living under the same roof for many years.
zero contact consists of not looking for the person in any way and completely counting on any possibility of making contact with her. as the word already leads us to deduce, zero contact is an attempt to avoid the person in all ways.
how to apply it?
LOOK FOR NOTHING RELATED TO THE PERSON
DO NOT KEEP NEAR CONTACT WITH PEOPLE WHO KNOW HER, OR, IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT, TRY TO CONFIDENT A LITTLE OF YOUR LIFE TO THESE PEOPLE IF YOU FEEL THAT THEY CAN PASS INFORMATION TO THE NARCISSIST
DO NOT TALK WITH HER
DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE PERSON
DO NOT ATTEND THE MOBILE PHONE WHEN SHE CALLS YOU
DO NOT RESPOND TO MESSAGES
AVOID BEING CLOSE TO YOUR NARCISIST MOTHER, AND IF NECESSARY, AVOID THE PLACES IN WHICH SHE USES TO GO
and so on.
i hope it was helpful!
