#zemanderings

I’m sorry for the person I was. Lord knows I probably made it very hard for you to trust people. It’s not fair for me to say but I didn’t know any better. If I could go back and teach myself the ways to be a better boyfriend, to learn to be patient and understanding and accepting of who we were I would have. Instead you got the selfish, cold hearted and rude boy who dated you. You’re still the only girl I’ve ever been in love with. Four years, now isn’t it? Wow how time flies. I honestly haven’t thought about this in a long time, I haven’t thought about you in a long time but I feel it needs discussing. 

I have in the past sent you anonymous messages on your tumblr wishing you well but I could never assume you knew it was me. I really hope you’re happier and in a better place than where you were in high school. I hope you’ve found people that make you happy and a partner that’s done the same. 

I’d love to talk to you, just to see how you’ve been, how much you’ve grown and changed. I want to talk about those few months we were together. Sometimes I wonder if they meant as much to you as they did to me... 

Sometimes I miss you, or at least, what my brain remembers of you. It’s funny how you once said that I’d leave you behind, that once I came here I’d dump you and you’d be alone. I wonder how much you believed that, because for a while I thought about it, but then I realized I loved you so much I’d make the stupid plan work. 

I’m sort of glad we ended, if anything so that you could meet better guys, guys who knew how to treat you better. Poetic right? 

Would you even recognize me now? Honestly if you saw me would you tell that’s the boy you dated for 2 months 3 weeks 4 days? 

I’ve realized after a long time that we really fucked each other up. Once again, I’m so sorry, I wish I could have prevented that. I also realized there will never be a part of me that won’t stop loving you. It’s a part that gets smaller every day as more and more expireince and life and time and distance makes the total bigger, but it’s like cutting an apple in half over and over. You can do it till infinity but there will be some remnants of the apple. Honestly, I’m okay with that. 

I hope I didn’t fuck up your trust issues too badly. Sometimes I hope that the things you said were true and that there weren’t any feelings. It means that you came out okay, strange as that sounds. 

Anyway, I have class tomorrow. It’s 3:45. I should sleep. 

Maybe life will throw us in the mix again someday, and we can finally chat. 

Or not. 

Love you.