#zee writes

The Galaxy was losing its edge, or maybe you were.

Things were less interesting, the stars didn’t shine as bright. And recently, a heavy weight has been sitting on each shoulder of yours for quite some time. Years, in fact. So many years.

Years of struggling, years of gliding through the universe trying to figure out why exactly the maker brought you here. Why exactly would he put you in such a situation that made you so utterly uncomfortable on a daily basis, if not to purely make you suffer?

These are the kind of thoughts the hum of hyperspace couldn’t possibly mask. And banging your head on the durasteel walls wasn’t a solid option either, you had to keep your head in decent shape if you were to keep your job.

A small weight bares itself on your lap, and with a small tilt of the head two brown wide eyes are staring up at you. The child is a guiding light in the dark, he’s a star in the night sky. He’d project so much love your way when you started to feel down. It meant a lot, such a small being that’s so full of love.

You wished it was enough, but a small little green goblin wasn’t the cure to your ailments no matter how much you wanted it to be that way.

The concept of gender in the universe wasn’t even that much of anything. People were just who they were. Born as or not. There wasn’t very many people in the galaxy who would look at you weird for transcending gender, many species harbored many traits. And the universe had easy fixes for those who didn’t fit the binary.

However that doesn’t mean you’re cured. The mental health issues you dealt with aren’t going away easily. Depression doesn’t just go away. It comes back and festers, or disappears just to reveal itself months, years, later.

Even on the best days, your chest can feel heavy. Despite the body mods, you still don’t feel right. A flat chest doesn’t solve the way you stare helplessly and hatefully in the mirror at your body. At the scars on your arms or legs, at where the fat doesn’t sit like you picture. Or how your hips jut out just a little more than the average man.

Two little claws cup your cheeks before you even realize your crying. A sad coo, and that heartfelt feeling surrounds you again.

“It’s okay, Buddy”

Five weeks. It’s not going away, no matter how hard you try to make it.

It’s in the way you walk, the way you talk. Din Djarin noticed the first week, but didn’t want to mention it until recently.

You’ve been different. You spent more time alone, you’re short with your answers. And you stare off into the distance in a way you didn’t used to around him.

You’ve only been working alongside each other for about six months. And he couldn’t tell what was wrong. You seemed perfectly healthy, just.. quiet. Distant. You used to try and talk his ear off with questions, settled out, and then things just stopped. You stopped asking, stopped talking. It was too quiet. Was he actually starting to miss your voice by now?

He’d had enough when you made a comment under your breath that sounded a little dangerous. He didn’t pay attention, he just knew it was wrong.

What did Djarin do?

He sat you down on the edge of the cot while he stood in front of the quarters portal. Arms crossed, visor tilted down to meet your tired eyes.

You’re sitting there, hands in your lap, eyes devoid of color. You’re expecting some lecture or to be pushed to rest. But the stiffness in Din’s posture makes you think otherwise. Somethings on his mind. It’s anxiety inducing, watching him slightly pace around while he finds his words. Was this going to be him firing you?

“What’s going on with you?”

You didn’t expect that.

“What?”

Din stops, and turns your way.

“You’ve been acting weird recently. What’s going on?”

So he’s noticed. You can’t remember how long it’s been since the depression came back, that’s probably a bad thing.

“You haven’t been sleeping,” he starts, “You’re being short with me and Grogu”

He crosses his arms, “and you.. don’t seem like yourself..”

It’s like something clicks in his head when you look up at him with this sort of defeated look.

“How are you doing?”

You don’t think you’ve ever heard him talk so much at once. Or ask about anyone’s wellbeing.

“You don’t seem so much like yourself either” you plainly joke with a forced chuckle. Din continues to just stare you down, guess the joke didn’t land. Awkward…

Your eyes shift down to his boots, the forced smile you had on fades. How are you doing? Really? You have a feeling Din isn’t going to just let this one go. You’ve got ten more hours in hyperspace, and only the hull of the razor crest.

Din sighs, a crackle in the modulator of his helmet. He crouches so that your eyes shift to his helmet instead of his boots.

“What’s bothering you?”

Tears well up in your eyes- but you’re quick to wipe them away. You give a soft defeated chuckle and look to the side. Avoiding the others gaze.

“I’m sorry Mando, I guess I should have been more considerate of you and the kid-“

“Don’t give me that.” Din stands, “I asked you a question. Answer it.”

It’s short, and it’s stern. It’s Din Djarin- making an effort in one of the only ways he knows how to.

“Fine” you huff, and begin to play with the hem of your sleeve.

“It’s embarrassing to have to admit, especially after being forced to admit it but- fine. Who cares what I want-“

You don’t give him a chance to butt in before your ranting.

“Whoop-Dee-doo, my depression is back. Not like it ever went away. I guess it just decided to bite me in the ass again after I thought I’d finally be free of it. I’m sorry you and the kid have to be around it- I know it’s not pleasant..”

A deep breath in. Djarin stands still while looking at you.

“I just.. can’t help it, recently it’s been kicking me in the stomach with it all. Usually I’m able to just like.. push it all down and ignore the pain or the images in my head, recently it’s just gotten worse. I feel like blinding myself so I don’t have to look at myself in the mirror- so I don’t have to see this staring back at me” you gesture to yourself, and sit up on the cot. You pick at your nails as you keep talking.

“I don’t know why I can’t just feel normal or have normal thoughts. Or urges. It’s exhausting having to just stay awake with them..”

“Urges?” Din asks with a tilt of his head.

That makes you look up at him. Oh, right. He was here. You weren’t just talking to a wall. Heat creeps up on your cheeks and you look away.

“You know.. urges.” You make a gesture, and he stares at you.

You huff, and bite your lip as you try to find a way around saying it outright. Din wasn’t the easiest to beat around the bush with. He often needed things blunt and straight to the point.

“You’ve seen my arms, Mando. You can connect the dots.”

You stare at the cold black visor as din stares back. His posture shifts ever so slightly.

“You hurt yourself.” It’s flat, stated as both a question and observation.

“Used to.” You clarify, “It’s been.. awhile. But.. just because I haven’t done it in some time doesn’t mean it doesn’t haunt my everyday thoughts”

Din wishes he could understand what would bring a person to hurt themselves, he’s a man of few words and knows actions can mean everything. You must have been going through some rough shit to have found solace in temporary pain.

He nods, and you bite your lip.

“Is it just the..” he shifts his weight.

“No” you admit, “I struggle with.. a lot. Sometimes my brain tells me to just end it all without a reason.. not that I like.. actively wish that upon myself. It’s involuntary..”

You sigh, “The self image issues, too. I’ll admit. I wasn’t born.. with the right attributes. Not the typical human male, I guess. That fucks with my brain too, perception and- yeah. I dunno how to explain it the best. I just don’t see myself right in the mirror and it effects me. And how I want to be seen by others. It can make me feel really bad sometimes.”

You’re subconsciously scratching your wrist, and Din reaches out and stops it.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see you struggling earlier” he says, pulling his hand back.

“I can’t imagine what you have to be dealing with..” he looks off to the side, “You’re decent at hiding it when you're not being a jerk” he looks back- is that some sort of joke?

You crack a grin that fades instantly.

“I just have to push through it” you answer before he can ask.

You know it isn’t a very good answer, Din stands before you with a disappointed tilt of his head.

“…talking helps though” you mumble, “I haven’t even really gotten deep into it with you and it already feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”

That seems to ease the tension in Din’s stature.

“You can always talk to me” Din says, voice a low rumble through the vocoder. He means it, too. He likes hearing you talk your ass off, it wouldn’t be any different if you were talking his ear off with your problems. As long as you felt better in the end.

“Thanks”

Din nods, and he gestures to the cot. Your tired so it’s a welcome invite, and you fall back and let your spine hit the cot.

Din disappears for a little while before coming back, setting the kid on your chest. A few more minutes pass and he himself crawls into the tight expanse of the sleeping quarters.

He’s devoid of his armor- save for his helmet that he refused to take off.

It isn’t often you guys sleep together, oftentimes Din took the pilot's seat and slept up there while he’s taking ‘first watch’.

Today was different though, Din could tell you needed it. And the way you slunk into his arms after he opened them told him what he needed to know.

The light shut off and the portal door closed. You shuffled around in dins arms till your back was pressed up against his chest and his arms were around you- and the kid who was cuddled up to your chest.

The touch soothes your nerves. Maybe a little light lit itself at the end of your tunnel today. You felt lighter, sharing the weight of what bothered you helped. Din was strong enough to carry some of it- and it seemed like he wanted to in his own way.

You weren’t alone in this, not now and certainly not since you first stepped foot onto the razor crest.

Now you didn’t have to be alone with your thoughts, you had someone to hold onto them with you- you had someone who could help you balance this weight of urges and image issues. It would take a while to open up completely- but maybe that’s what you both need. To open up to each other.