@zanaluna : ๐ฆ๐จ๐ฌ๐ฌ : where does your muse feel most safe, what does that look like?
where for rhaenyra, is not largely necessarily a physical place, as much as it is a set of circumstances being met that allows her to experience that feeling of safety; though she almost never feels one hundred percent safe, no matter where she is, there is an increased likelihood of it depending on whether or not those circumstances are met, and how many of those boxes are checked.even on the island of dragonstone, where rhaenyra does have the most control and the strongest sphere of influence, she is still weary of the prospect of being overheard. while she does genuinely trust the people under her employ, and her councillors that sit on her own personal council ( not the black council, though we know from fire and blood that she does trust them as well; at least at first and enough to continuously seek and listen to their advise - to her detriment, yes, but, that nonwithstanding, rhaenyra does listen to them ) those in charge of handling the castle's treasury, the castle's horses, the castle's ships - it is still a decent sized island, and there are a lot of things that she could potentially miss and that could slip through the cracks without her knowing about it. people who could sneak in and pose as someone else who are there to listen to any potential plans that she might have, or any secrets that she might reveal due to having a false sense of security being on an island that she held personally. it is a busy castle, even if there aren't people coming in going with the frequency that they are at the red keep, there are still people moving around quite the bit during the day, and there is a lot of opportunity for them to blend in with the people who's faces are familiar, and who are trusted by rhaenyra and her family. it is in fact a smaller scope version of the issue that plagued her at the red keep, but one that persists, all the same, no matter where she is. she does not fear anyone seeking to attack her, or her children physically as much as she fears the possibility of a spy - which is far subtler and is something that someone could get away with unnoticed, though that does not mean she does not think a physical attack is not possible, it means that a ) she trusts her guards that she hand selected to protect herself and her children and that they are learning to protect themselves efficiently as well b ) she does not think it would be so overtly arranged when anyone responsible would doubtless know where the suspicions would fall, and an attempt would not be made until a - after her father was dead, or b - when anyone who might be tempted was certain that it could be arranged in such a manner it would be considered an accident. in the red keep, her enhanced fear, lay in the increased potential for accidents. the fate of ser joffrey lonmouth demonstrated quite clearly to her that even fatal 'accidents' could have the potential to be absolved and rewarded if it suited, and that circumstances were everything, and they made the difference between an accident that would be rightly punished with the severity that it deserved, and an accident happening during what was known as a dangerous game where the risks were implied.
there were so many unknown variables in the red keep, so many possibilities where things could turn against her and so many things that would endanger her children and the worst part was - she could not trust that there would be any justice to be found, even if the intent was utterly clear, if the circumstances could have possibly implied otherwise - and with how dehumanizing people at court spoke of bastard children, she couldn't be certain that anyone would take it as anything more then a tragic accident. she could not trust that the kingsguard weren't bought by any of the greens, and after criston she was very, very weary to trust any of them again, and i think her lack of trust in them shows by the fact that the sworn shield that she chose for herself afterward was ser harwin strong, a non member. her father appointed ser erryk after he was fired. the trust that she had in ser lorent and ser erryk was born in those ten years that they served her after she took to dragonstone semi permanently, where there was no other warring influence involved to potentially sway their loyalties against her. she liked them well enough before, but she did not trust them when they were assigned to protect her initially, and it took her a long while to. at least that first year - but she does, wholeheartedly by the time the dance kicks off. i don't think the first sense of feeling unsafe for her was because of any overt threat. i think she began to equate the questions and remarks made about her virtue and about her purity to a feeling of danger, and thus unintentionally equated the favor that men began to show her to a continued unspoken threat to perform properly, less there be some sort of an implication made or a gesture that seemed a bit too direct. she did not think they would ever harm her in any way, and she was never alone with any of them for any specific amount of time for that, and criston was always at her side. but she still felt the pressure of feeling an added layer to the importance not to disappoint, because their support, and their favor was necessary to her own success, and thus, her own security, and thus, her own safety. all three of which is interlinked when it comes to medieval, westerosi politics. that feeling of unsafety began to be compounded, on top of each other, over and over again, the more explicit the rumors became, the more they endured and never truly faded. the more additional ones started adding on top of each other, and the very real physical threat that came with every utterance of a repetition of the bastardy allegations because it is high treason, she knows its high treason. all of this is ? why it is so near impossible for her to feel safe, even when she technically is, even when she should be, she never truly does, because the fear and the anxiety never goes away. the feeling of being pursued, the feeling of being watched, is unending, and it is something that she never truly shakes herself of, even in the verse where she becomes queen in peace, still the feeling of unsafety persists, and she would not be able to discern one specific cause, or one specific point when it became so enduring, she only knows that it did. even before aemma passed, her sense of safety and security was disrupted by the toll that repeated back to back pregnancies took on aemma's health ( of which began at thirteen. and was no fault of aemma's own ) which led to the increased fear that she could potentially lose her, and was a continued reminder of her mother's mortality which is frightening, for a girl below the age of seven.
there are places that she does feel a certain measure of safety, and the place where she feels wholly safe, is in the presence of her dragon, syrax, whether it be in the dragonpit, or in the air with her. or if she's taking her children on her back. or if she's in aegon's garden, away from the castle, away from the consistent current of court life ( even on the small scale within the castle of dragonstone ) even for a moment, she is able to take a breath, there. she is able to take a moment, to take a breath, and to recenter herself. and if she has her children there with her, and she can see that they're safe, and that they're okay, and that nothing is happening to them while she sort of lets go of her hold on needing to be on top of everything at every moment to make sure that nothing bad can happen ever, she is able to relax a certain degree knowing that they're there, and they're away with her, and that they're safe too. she is able to enjoy herself in that moment, and enjoy the conversations that they have there, because it is so secluded, and with ser erryk there with them, she feels enough safety, and security, that it feels like they can just exist there. that she does not have to continuously have her titles in mind and their titles in mind and the fact that it is because of those titles that everything is so detrimental to them all of the time. they can just exist, there, they can be mother and children and they can talk about the simple things, and it can be a happy, easy moment. or it can be an in-depth conversation that needed to be had, that can had, because there no one can see them beyond each other and they don't have to worry about how they present themselves before the eyes of anyone watching, and the societal properity that they might be missing in the process. her safety is her children being safe, and her knowing that theyโre safe, even if they arenโt with her - knowing that theyโre not in any sort of position where they could be in danger is the only way that she could possibly even begin to relax enough to even consider the prospect of her own safety, because they mean so genuinely much to her that she could never be at ease enough for that. if thereโs any possible way they could be hurt doing whatever it is that theyโre doing, whenever theyโre under the age of their majority predominantly ( her fear would gradually lessen as time went on post that point, though she would always worry for them as her children, no matter how old they were - it is decidedly less then it was when they were young children and still very much not adults. unfortunately though, they do not ever reach their majority in canon ) she would not be able to relax enough to consider herself safe. she finds safety in routine, in taking decisive and repetitive steps, in going from one thing to the other and doing so in a certain order that makes things feel just a bit more steady. she finds safety in taking up the task set out for her and carrying it to completion, and then going onto the next. it gives her the feeling of personal control back that she so often feels that she lacks, and is in itself a great comfort to her.
she does not have a need to control everything, but she does need to be able to somewhat control herself, and her own actions, and to not feel as though sheโs backed into a corner and there is no way out from there. her perceived choices being taken away, even if there was no real choice at all, is something that makes her feel unsafe. she needs to feel as though she can control herself, thus can be able to meet any threat against the people that she loves, to feel genuinely safe. she cannot stand feeling helpless at any point. she needs to have a level of security in regards to what she loves most, to cope with the realities of the life that she lives, and that they live alongside her. safety for her looks like the dark of night when everyone is either asleep or safe in their rooms and thereโs a stretch of time when thereโs no court problems that she has to solve, because sheโs completed the ones for the day and thereโs a stretch of relative quiet, and of peace. where she can hear the distant echoes of dragonsong, and thereโs a moment of ? inner satisfaction of a day that feels as though itโs ? well and truly done. where she doesnโt feel as if thereโs still more that she could be doing. which is why she can often be found ? staying up later, after everyone else has gone to bed to finish whatever might need finishing, because she wonโt be able to sleep with a job undone, and thus ? will not be able to rest, and thus, will not relax enough to feel safe.
