#youtuberthoughts

Well this is probably going to be a long post so if you want to read all of this brace yourself :P *sigh* so recently i’ve been restricted on data, so i can no longer upload a video every day unfortunately, and honestly i thought about just giving up, i felt like stopping i was sitting there, thinking “well i only have like 58 subscribers, and i doubt many of them actually watch my stuff why should i bother”, and honestly i usually still think that way everyday, I /love/ making these videos, these silly videos, me attempting to be a improvised comedian, i never script anything i do, and i’m fairly sure people can tell that in my videos, but yeah i love making these videos, i love sharing them with people and hope to make them laugh of smile, but... I also constantly worry, if i actually do make enjoyable videos, i worry my videos aren’t good enough, i worry people find me boring, and due to depression i fight with myself every day, I love making them, is it worth it. it’s fun to do, does anyone care, these thoughts every day, back and forward, but i want to keep doing this.

I thank my friends who constantly support me and encourage me to continue this, it means so much to me, I thank the people who subscribed to me, the people that take the time watching my videos and taking the time just to like it. honestly you’re the reason i keep going, with those thoughts, to fight back all the other thoughts, because i don’t know if you people know, but i’m 19, i live on my own, i barely have enough food for each day and due to my depression and anxiety and slight paranoia so i can’t really do work in the work force, i try every day to be better, and through all this trying to think of what to do with my life, getting more stressed worrying if i’ll ever get a job, then i was watching some youtubers, (Criousgamers, Markiplier and the game grumps) and i got thinking what if i could make funny videos too? i know every now and then i can make people laugh, so i thought, why not try youtube, making silly gaming videos with friends making jokes having fun and hoping that i can cheer other people up because i like cheering people up, i know what it’s like to be depressed and i know it’s a horrible feeling, so i wanted to do my best to cheer everyone up, so it was a bit of a naive thought, so i started making some things, i started out excited, and since then, i’ve felt more open and happy since making these videos, i feel like i’m finally doing something with my life

But problem is that, Being an Australian (meaning Youtube doesn’t share my videos overseas as often) and being a small youtuber that no body knows, i have no connections, i have a small friends list, and that i realise that people probably prefer to watch someone else’s video of similar content, because i don’t know what to do to be original, only thing original i can do is what i joke about, the games i play are usually well played by now, and i can’t afford to get new games and keep up to date and what not, but that makes me keep going back to thinking that i’ll never get anywhere with this, so i worry that maybe i’ll never be able to be paid as an entertainer, so i’m still stuck with little money and no job, so i keep freaking out i constantly hold myself back as some of you have pointed out in my videos, that i’m not as excited sounding and what not, i’m doing the best that i can, but thanks to depression i constantly hold back subconsciously, i’m still shy, but i’m trying really hard to do better.

but anyway, if you read down this far, i want to thank you for taking your time to read this it means a lot to me, i just wanted to be as open and transparent about this as i could, I’m going to continue making video, although maybe restricted to weekly, we’ll see how it goes.

so once again thank you all for taking the time to watch my videos, and subscribing to my channel it means a lot to me. :3 so thank you also i should point out i don’t want anybody to feel bad for me and offer me money or anything >.> i know i have a few friends that might get worried reading this, but honestly if you truely want to help me, even clicking the like button on my videos or dislike if you don’t like them, something as small as that helps, if you wanted to help more, write a short little comment, it means a lot to me and would help more people find me, so if you want to help that’s the most i’d ask of you, just like and comment.