#yourstrulyjackiee

your face makes me smile so hard.

Yeah, Jackie, I want to type. I want to type to you. It feels kind of nice being here on my bed and my fingers are gliding over the keys on this laptop. Stephanie is buried under the blankets next to me.

I'm dying of thirst though. I am so thirsty, maybe in more ways than I expect, but really its more like i just need a glass, make that a gallon, of water. 

But i can't get up from this spot for some reason. I can't move. Do you ever sit down and think about everything in the universe, well at least try to think of everything in the universe? And you are paralyzed with all the little thoughts that race through your mind... You let your mind wander, bring up memories you didn't know you had. Let your consciousness be free? And suddenly you know things that you've never realized, but knew all along? You discover a piece of yourself. And by doing so you get a little more depressed, you lose a little faith in yourself. And you just want to undo all the thinking that just happened there in your mind a little more, because you are scared now. and very very alone.

I want to go back to the snow. Can we go tomorrow? It was so cold there, a clarity, like the kind of clarity you know. But different, somehow. I would have stayed there forever, I could have just fell asleep there. I couldn't move, you know. For some reason I could not pick myself up from the cold ground. I couldn't do anything but let the mist gather on my body until I drowned, if that's possible. But that wasn't even the refreshing part. YOU were the refreshing part. I could not get up. I would have been there forever. But I knew that a few steps away you were waiting for me. Of course, you couldn't follow me into my fall on that snow. But you were there, so close that if i could find the strength to pick up my head, I would see you. What was refreshing was..... was knowing that I could still find it in myself. To get up. Not to drown. No matter how much the beautiful cold was surrounding me, you were there waiting. If you hadn't been waiting, I would have stayed longer, and by then it would have been to late.

Thank you for waiting Jackie.

Thank you for having the courage to leave your own beautiful snows behind. To know that I am waiting there, a few steps away. Not myself alone, but others too!

and as im checking out her blog, i can't help but feel like i should reach out to her. i want to be there for her.

i want to be there for you, baby doll. i wouldve sent this in an ask, or some fan mail or something, but i looked and you, i guess, disabled it?

if you ever need to talk to me, go to my ask, love. im here for you. you're not alone in anything here. you mean the world to someone, even if you don't know it.