@yourleft :
Ā Ā Ā i just came to check on you.
Ā Ā is there aĀ wordĀ in any language to describe how she is ?Ā sad doesnāt quite feel like it cuts it.Ā sheās sad, of course, but there are other things tooĀ āĀ angry, distraught, lonely.Ā all of the above.Ā devastatedĀ Ā feels like the closes thing she can get to, but even that doesnāt cut it close when sheās got a wreck of a man that hasnāt left her bed in two days.Ā not that she can bring herself to kick clint out, no matter how thick with heartache the air feels whenever he walks into the room nowadays.Ā normally, sheād kick him out, because normally, he isnāt reliving his best friend dying in front of him.Ā itās not right.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā so thereās bobbi and clint, bobbi and clint and the endless, gaping space between them.Ā itās bobbi and clint, and theyāre missing natasha, both literally and figuratively, because all theyāve got is a stupid headstone with an empty grave on a lakefront.Ā ridiculous, bobbi thinks, even as she uses the back of her sleeve to brush dried leaves off of it and reveal carefully carved lettering that feels both too big and too small for who natasha was.Ā Ā ā Ā when clint and i got married, i was Ā . Ā . Ā . Ā jealous of her before i ever met her. Ā i was worried iād have to compete for his affection, you know ? Ā you hear stories about the black fucking widow, and how can you not be scared for your relationship ? Ā āĀ
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā NATASHA ROMANOVA.Ā THEĀ BLACKĀ WIDOW.Ā AVENGER.Ā FRIEND.Ā HERO.Ā Ā
Ā Ā Ā āĀ instead, i met her, and we knew each other for all of ten minutes before it was like clint didnāt matter anymore.Ā āĀ Ā iām a third wheel in my own home, clint had said once when heād been shoved off his own bed because his wife and best friend had wanted to have a sleepover.Ā thereād never beenĀ bobbiĀ andĀ clint,Ā orĀ clintĀ andĀ natasha.Ā it had always been the three of them, one barely managing to exist without the other.Ā the best mistake of his entire life had been bringing them together.Ā the worst, bobbi assumes he thinks, had been bringing natasha with him to vormir.Ā Ā
Ā Ā ā Ā iāve lost more people than i can count, but i donāt know how toĀ Ā moveĀ onĀ Ā from her.Ā i donāt know how to helpĀ Ā himĀ Ā move on from her.Ā iāmĀ Ā .Ā .Ā .Ā Ā at a loss.Ā āĀ Ā it feels selfish to say, like out of everyone sheās ever lost, this is the worst, but thereās a hole in her chest and she feels numb all over.Ā even natashaās favorite red feels hollow on the tongue. Ā like itās not right that bobbiās drinking it without her.Ā but bobbi drinks anyways, with brows furrowed, and nearly two decades of having natasha as herĀ personĀ on the brain.Ā bobbiās head twists, eyes squinting as the mid-afternoon sunlight hits over steveās shoulder.Ā he looks simultaneously larger than life and smaller than she remembers, all at once, and briefly, she wonders if itās fair that sheās dumping the grief of two people onto him as well.Ā Ā āĀ thatās a lot more than you probably bargained for.Ā sorry.Ā āĀ