#youresolost

rotten eggs and dead rats for breakfast. the morning is heavy and hollow, those nights spent by the balcony with a cigarette or two between my lips are the only thing I like. the dark slipped away and the sun burned my skin until it turned red. I hate it there, and you were somewhere else. carrying me through your door, because it’s too early to go back home. lost myself thinking about how your eyes changes through the day. the repeat of my words became an ocean and you hate swimming and I hate staying still. the translation to become earth got lost with our thoughts and prayers. how many times you called god? I called him twice this week but he keeps sending me flowers. am I dead? because yours answered your phone, I heard it while I was in the bathtub and you were on the ceiling replacing the light bulb. lights that don’t last long, how petty is this life. I thought you could just feel instead of understand my insecurity. do you mind if I go to buy some smoke? maybe because the acid did me wrong and we ended up crying in bed alone and naked. I love you though, with or without the drugs. I need you to feel me though, don’t understand, I understand for two or three, or four. I like the number seven though, it’s a perfect number. be my seven and I can be your twenty one forever. don’t say no, you look like a grey cloud on my head and I feel like a butterfly without wings. did god know I was born defective? I want to be silk, to wrap around you and keep you safe with delicateness. boiled eggs and ghosts of rats, it will be our last dinner before making love.

I have to give up on love. it’s not my thing, but I tried, I really did.

flower of the grave looked at me before crying for help. it was dying and I stayed there screaming, because I was dying too. bloody hands and blind eyes as I crawled back to the grave of yours. once I would’ve ran to you, but I am weak and you fly over my head laughing. I wish I was dead, as I looked over my shoulder to see that someone was stealing my useless legs. I thought about the time, hard street, cold weather and my body covered with sperm. if anything like this happens again I know, I have to call it rape. but it’s too easy, too short. the pain remains and the word disappears as the innocence once I held dear. sunshine, on anyone but me. I called it fate as I heard my mother screaming my name. the grave of yours is still full of bones—remains of what I wanted inside of me forever. the flower wiped away its tears and I saw you, landing on my back as to give me your legs made by mistakes and words left unsaid. I stood up, tall, blind and tired. no one is dying, but my grave is open and I want to jump into it. the velvet pillows, the black coffin and the worms trying to eat the wood of it. I smoked too much and my heart is pumping clouds where it was supposed to be your love. reaching the corners where the water could never touch. I can’t tell if I loved you, but I think you did even when you left me in that street. rape, too short to label the pain—but love remains with it, that’s all I can say. the love is getting old, the flower is silent now, and my blood is trying to leave me like you did. sorry and bye.

you found someone else to take my place. fed them with the same words you fed me for months. my heart is rotten. I can’t understand why this happened, why I wasn’t enough for you. I was just a trash bin where to put your thoughts without caring about me, just saying you loved me, to get me by. I’m so sick now, I tried so hard. cried for you, even, and now you found someone else. why am I not enough? I’m not enough as a lover, as a human, as a trash bin. I feel so lost and cold. I hate you, hate so much how I let you use me. you disgust me. but I’ll hope for the better, you have to heal. away from me, because I tried and I loved you dearly.

I shed all my tears for nothing. over men that I didn’t even love enough to trust. they all used me, but I didn’t care, maybe because I needed to be used, I wanted to be their own toy to change. I feel like Neil, inside of me, there’s him as a child. I feel like I’m going to destroy myself over nothing and it’s driving me insane. I still pray for love thou, still put my hands together as someone is going to listen. I’m so tired and I hate being weak, to stay here and talk about myself. I really want to be nothing at all. I don’t want to feel anything, being this empty fills me. but love, that was different and I miss it. I miss being in love, now I’m just a doll covered in dust, maybe haunted or maybe not. I hope that the someone that is going to possess me, has gentle hands and patience. cause I like to run and I like to be caught before I’m too far.

and you crumbled when I, cried. what’s why I loved you for seven years my dear. but it’s the problem, I loved you so much that I got more sick when you drifted away saying that my sadness meant to be left alone. I cried a lot, I cried until I called you back. you didn’t even know where I lived, but you ran to me like it was meant to be, like it was, your home too. and when you pulled me into your arms, I stopped crying, I felt like a child safe and sound. where did you go my love? was I not enough for you?

winter came too early for us and left early for me, standing alone, watching you go. I can’t say a word, won’t say anything at all. my mind now feels hollow. mouth full of dead rats that I needed to kill for you, to keep you by my side. you won’t understand, you won’t hear anymore—but please, turn around and see me before the sun burns my skin.