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PUBEs to recognise heroes and groundbreakers …

This year’s Plunger Unsung Blues Excellence awards will include two new categories.

Firstly, to tip our ironic trilby to the figures who over the years have bestridden the blues scene like veritable colossi, we have the Lifebuoy Contraception award. The nominees for this award are as follows:

Chris Trad - jazz stalwart who lit the first sparks of interest in blues in the UK, laying the foundations for the enormously popular and commercially blockbusting scene we know today.

John McJohn - legendary heavy rock triangle player who famously can be heard on the theme tune to Minder.

Harmonica Portaloo - founder of the long-running Portaloo events that have done so much for Britain’s seaside economy following the rise of the cheap package holiday.

Pété Ouvrez-les-Fenêtres - ignored and derided for years, his belief in South London as the spiritual home of blues was vindicated by the recent mass exodus to the Crawley-Croydon corridor.

Derek Clapham - need we say more?

The second new category is the Gorilla Glue Adhesion award: this is for the brave individuals who have pushed the boundaries by successfully getting a blues label to stick to the most unlikely of things:

Albert Steptoe - take a bit of soul vocal add a hip hop beat and call it blues. Actually we aren’t sure he does call it blues, but he’s local to us and is famous, so bollocks, he’s what we say he is.

Bille & The FX Pedals - take a coruscating wall of overdriven guitar and lug-flapping vocals and voilà, blues. Actually we aren’t sure they do call it blues, but they’re louder than all the other stuff, so bollocks, they’re what we say they are.

Lavender Dog - take Stonesy-flavoured louche southern rock, add some eyeliner and boom, its blues. Actually we aren’t sure they do call it blues, but they’re more interesting than all the usual plodders so bollocks, they’re what we say they are.

Plunger Pointless Poll 2017 - the results are in …

After literally some votes, the results for the Bestest Ever Blues Guitarer In The Whole Wide World are finally here. We hand you over to legendary DJ Alan Freeman [Deceased] to do the honours…

Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah dah, dah-dah dah-dah! Scraping in last, it’s the only black person on the chart, former addict, jailbird and living personification of the struggles of the blues, Eric Tornado, behind Laurence “teeny-bop-sensation” Smith... 

Ash ‘Who Me?’ Tray is at 15, just pipped to 14 and 13 by Ben Singlet and Kris Tattoos… Joanne Police-Five is doing it for Mrs Pankhurst at 12 while another skirt wearer is at 11, Alan McSporran.

Doo-doo bee-doo-doodle-doodle-doo, doo-bee-doo-bee-doo…

Into the top ten now, and somethings a bit fishy... yes, it’s Samantha Fry at 10 and Walter Tench at 9. There’s no red light for Jonny Short as he cruises to number 8, tailgating the flying Finn Gertcha Litmuspaper at 7. Big surprise and disappointment Stateside as bookie’s favourites Siamese-twin hybrid-pairing of Dereksusan Truckstedeschi slips to just number 6…

Daddle-dah! Daddle-dah! Daddle-dah! Daddle-dah! Daddle-dah-daddle-daddle-dah-dah-dah…!

And here's your top five, bestest bluesers out there, with Jared James Noisy squeaking in at 5, hot on the heels of Kenny Louisiana-Miserabilist at 4. Showing the strength in depth of the Grateful Dead’s following even now, number 3 goes to John Mayer. Get well soon John... And just to show that money can't buy you everything, with dropped jaws in the Albert Hall, Joe Goliath peaks at number 2

Dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-dahhhh! Dah-dahdah-dah... All right, pop pickers it’s time for 2017s number one, top of the pile, king of the hill, A number 1 blues guitarist (in the world)… 

and it’s pretty obvious by now that it must be…  

I mean, there's only one guy left, one big big name missing so far isn’t there?

So you’ll easily have worked out that it’s... 

Tyler Bryantandmayhouseholdmatches?

Wanna hear what the tennis elite are discussing at Wimbledon?

They are discussing the merits of Hodge’s amazing 2015 Grand Final goal!

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