#yotb

2018 is finally here and I figure now is as good as it gets. I’ve been wanting to journal since I was 5 and here i am... 18 years later? I suppose I haven't quite made it to the journal stage yet so I figure a blog is the next best thing.  ~ Let the blogging begin ~

Putting your thoughts into the ether is nerve wrecking, I don’t really expect anything back or necessarily believe that blogging will be useful to anyone beyond myself; mostly as a tool for coping with what has been my first 9 months outside an educational institution. 

You’re raised your whole life to believe school is the key to something greater, or at least I was, and when you finally get the “key” - diploma (whatever) - you have to find your door. I think I've found my door... but i’m not sure I was ready to open it? Is it wrong to question privileged and education and opportunity, to feel like somehow you didn't always want what you believed you wanted, or deserve the things you may have been handed, is it wrong to question... Probably not, but sometimes it sure doesn't feel great to finish a race and wonder why you ran so hard against so many people to place for a medal you’re unsure was for you.

I can piss and moan that I care little for my bronze or silver or gold, for my finished race; but holy crap did I have a good time running it. The breathless fight to get something I believed I needed was worth every sleepless evening and day I spent ill and coughing, dragging myself out of bed and into a final. There was something fulfilling about that day I crossed the finish line, hungover, in 102 degree weather to get my paper medal proclaiming I did in fact finish “college”, that I was a success in the eyes of my grandmothers.