Two months of pain and heartbreak. Two months of silence. Two months of wishing I wouldn’t wake up. Two months of not knowing why.

I have good days now, but they’re still plagued with thoughts of you. Everything reminds me of you and they always will. I’m getting closer to being able to move back home. I’m still so lonely. I’ve made new friends and grown closer to others, but none of them are you. No one can ever take your place in my life. And that’s okay. It’s okay for me to not want anyone else. It’s okay for me to want you still, to hope that you’ll come back. What’s not okay is if I let it consume me and don’t move forward with my life.

When I get better, it will no longer matter if you come back or not, I will have done it for myself. I still hope you will come back to me, some day, but I cannot live my life in that what if. My heart will always be yours, Avery. I am sorry for all I put you through. I didn’t love you the right way, the way you deserve to be loved, I could now and I definitely can in the future when I’m even better. I know it. But it’s okay if you never come back. You don’t owe me anything just because I love you. I don’t owe you anything. My love and my heart are yours because I gave them to you, my soul made promises lifetimes ago and it is still trying to fulfill them. And that’s okay too. I don’t know if I will ever reclaim my heart and love from you, I don’t want to, not right now. I am better. I will be better.

She told me to try to not message you anymore. I’ve gone over a week now, which is one day better than I had been doing. I’m trying very hard. It’s probably what you want anyway. To be left alone. To be able to forget about me. That’s okay. I was toxic. We became toxic. We have to become better on our own. I really don’t want to not talk to you. It sucks. Even still, a month and a half later, all I want to do is talk to you about my day. You’re still the first person I want to tell anything and everything to. I still see memes or articles or pictures or whatever and think, “Bilbo would love that. I should send it to- oh. Right.” Every day hurts. My heart is heavy with the pain of your absence. I don’t know why you did this, why you’re doing this. I’ll probably never know. There’s no point in wishing now. My wishes don’t come true. I always ask for the impossible. I always ask for the return of those who have left me. My father. You.

She asked me if I believed there could be more than one soulmate. Or at least others that could be just as important or whatever. I said it’s possible to find someone else, but no one would ever be able to bring about the happiness I felt with you. The same comfort. The same affection. It would always be less. No one can compete with a soulmate. I don’t think it would be fair to be with anyone else, I could not give them what they seek. My soul would never feel at peace, it would always be searching for you and your embrace. You may think that’s stupid and I should just get over you and find someone else. Someone better for me. What you seem to fail to see is there is no one better than you for me. There is no one better than you, ghivashel. You shine brighter than the sun. You are good and kind and gentle. I know we had problems. I know I was an ass. I know what I did to make us not work. I know it all and I’m fixing myself so I don’t ruin any other relationship in my life with friends or family. So I don’t ruin myself. 

Gandalf came to see me last night. She held me as we watched TV and slept with me so I wouldn’t be alone. It helped me, to have affection again. I still wished it was you. She knows I did. It’s slightly painful to even call her Gandalf anymore. Without you, Bilbo, there is no company. We’re all estranged now. It’s just me and Gandalf and Dwalin. Galadriel is gone. Radaghast is upset. Legolas and Elrond are busy and have their lives to deal with. Elrond helps as much as he can, I know you know that. I have yet to reach out to Aragorn and Arwen, but it doesn’t seem right to use their names anymore. Not since you’ve been gone. It all began with you and I, ghivashel. Thorin and Bilbo. A king and his consort. I would give you my whole kingdom, if I had one in this lifetime. I would follow you across the world to apologize, as I once did, had I the means to accomplish it. 

It doesn’t matter now. Someone must be talking to you, telling you to ghost me. This is not you. You were never cruel. You were the kindest person I’d ever met. Someone who loathes me must be whispering in your ear. It’s easier to believe than this cruelty being of your own design.

I don’t think you’re ever coming back into my life, not as long as someone is filling your head with lies and reminding you of someone I no longer am, someone I was already killing when you left. There’s nothing I can do about it. If you choose to believe I can never change. If you choose to believe someone’s perception of me that doesn’t even know me. If you choose to believe the lie that we’re not soulmates, not meant to be, when you know firsthand that we are soulmates. Well. There’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is better myself, as I have been, for myself and for the people who stand by me. 

The people who don’t abandon me when I need them most. The people who don’t give up on me because they don’t want to deal with it right now. Dwalin and Gandalf and Elrond have not, and will not, abandon my side. They will not abandon yours either, should you ever need them. I choose my company carefully, darling. I choose people who will help me better myself, stand by me, and tell me the truths I don’t want to hear or listen to me when I just need to vent. All three were sounding boards for me during our times of trouble. Do you know what none of them ever did? None of them told me to leave you, to ghost you or “fuck her.” Do you know why? They respect me and they respect you. They gave me advice on how to better myself and the situation and said they were here for me and would support whatever decisions I made. That they hoped we would work it out and grow and be better for each other. Never. Never did they belittle you, try to turn me against you or fill my head with “you’re better off without her, she’s holding you back, she’s a bitch.” I know someone in your circle who did, and probably still does, the opposite. And if I’m right, I hope you see the truth about them before it’s too late. You deserve better friends. You deserve more friends like Elrond and Gandalf. Elrond is still trying to be there for you too, but you keep pushing him away. He’s worried about you, Bilbo. We all are, but there’s nothing we can do for you if you push us away. You’ve cut me off, I got the message loud and clear now. But don’t cast them aside as well. Gandalf was always there for you at Erebor and even here. She took care of you when I was gone or so I didn’t find out you drank my whiskey or took too many pills with alcohol or whatever. You threw her into a lie about my Fireball and she went with it so that you would feel safer. You knew I’d be upset. I was never mad about you drinking my alcohol, I was worried for your safety. But, that’s the past. Doesn’t matter now. All that matters from the past now are the memories of us being happy and in love. I don’t care about mistakes made or wrongs done, they were lessons. 

I wish you would give me closure or something. I don’t know. I wish you’d give me the chance to show you I’m getting better. My appointment is Thursday, I hope it goes well. It hurts that I don’t have you to talk to after it now. It made it easier to agree to go and make the appointment when I knew I had you to support me. But it’s done and I need it for myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever truly known, not in this life. Finding myself is what I have to do now, without you. It will help make me better. It will hurt. But I will get better. I refuse to stay stagnant. I refuse to stay where I am, going nowhere with no dreams or ambitions. You left me broken and bleeding on the floor, but I will pick myself up and put myself back together. I don’t need you anymore.