He used his silverware in such assiduous celerity while he spoke in a contrived manner. Perhaps it was because of the nature of his work or the mere fact that he was an already beaten man and going on a blind date after years of marriage was not the best option at all.

Heechul had insisted that he needed to get some ‘relief’, he’s been tense at work and the divorce did not do him any favors mentally. He really understood that his old friend meant well, but he should have also known that despite all else he was still a romantic at heart. He was just not the type of person to fall into someone’s arms for a night, shake their hand then walk away never to see each other again.

Call him old fashioned but sex without any hint of affection was against the whole purpose of such an intimate act. It wasn’t that he was a purist (after all at the end of the day he was a man) but he should at least know his bedmate more than suspects he tracks down on a daily basis.

But to appease his dear friend he had rancorously agreed to go on this blind date. She was a pretty woman by all standards (after all Heechul picked him out) but there was just something that was . . . missing. Sure she seemed smart as she was a chemist at a well-known food company. They had similar interests in Japanese Rock and she also had a lovely Ragamuffin called Blue.

Reputedly, she was basically the perfect fit for him.

Yet why did he find no interest in her at all. SHE HAD A RAGAMUFFIN!

It was only when she excused herself to go to the toilet after the first course and his eyes wandered around the room when he finally realized why.

Right across the restaurant (about three or four tables away) was you.

You were wearing a short white cocktail dress with a sequin embellished chest that gave a slight peek at your cleavage. The dress accentuated your legs that he could see even from this distance. What engulfed him was you face, you were not as dolled-up compared to your recent TV appearance, it was simple but very effective. You already had nice features that he appreciated.

He did not know how long his gaze was fixed upon you when suddenly you faced him. Your eyes widened in shock when you realized he was here. After a moment of surprise, you tried your best to smile and look at your date but Kang-hoon noticed you stealing glances.

“Sorry I took so long!” his thoughts were broken when his date finally returned to the table “There was a long line at the ladies’ room.”

“Ah . . .” he forced a smile but as she sat down.

The whole evening you kept peeking at each other.

Around dessert you excused yourself from your date to go to the powder room. You made a beeline quite close to Kang-hoon’s table and ‘accidentally’ brushed against his shoulder before heading for the restroom.

You did not look back but you knew his eyes were boring into you.

It had been years since he felt alive.

He did not know how or where you were at this moment, all he knew was that he needed this.

He needed to touch you, he needed to feel you, he wanted to be familiar with every inch of you because you were the one thing clinging him to reality.

You were overwhelmed by him.

You were not sure if you were terrified or exhilarated. Every time he touched you, your breath hitched, you felt as though he were to suck the air right out of you.

Your body shook but you still accepted him.

Everything happened so quick and before you realized you were both panting, foreheads stuck together, his intense eyes gazed upon yours while you tried to look away as though you were still trying to make sense of what had just happened.

How did you even end up on the bathroom counter?

How was he even in the ladies’ room?

Gulping one last time you finally faced him.

Dear God, why was he so beautiful.

When he called out your name your heart dropped.

“I . . . please . . .” you shuddered.

“Is something wrong?” he looked worried and you felt his hands on your sides “. . . did I . . .”

You shook your head “. . . it was . . . I’m . . . I should . . .” your lips quivered.

Once again, he spoke your name, in that deep dark melodic voice of his.

You did not deserve him to call you so tenderly.

 “I . . . I got to . . . go” somehow you managed to harness the strength to push him away and run as far away as possible.

Kang-hoon just stood there awestruck.

Did . . . she just . . .

Why would she be sorry?

Whether or not the timing was propitious, it seemed that the two of you were bound to meet.

It had been a month since the incident at the restaurant, your blind date was confused why you returned to the table a teary-eyed mess. In fact, you were even a bigger mess when you came back home.

Well, technically you had no home.

The evening was a blur after that point. The only thing you could recall was that you woke up the next morning in the abandoned garden with a shovel in your hand and your dress completely soiled.

Now you were outside in the garden once more. This time the weeds had been cleared out, and you had attempted to start planting flowers. It was a trial-and-error process trying to figure out what would work and what seemed appropriate in the current climate. So far there were some seedlings starting to grow.

You were seated on the porch drinking coffee when you spotted him again.

You were not sure if he ever did walk the dogs when you were asleep or away, you always tried to be somewhere during the weekends just so you could avoid him.

But that was a task simply too impossible.

He was wearing a track suit along with a mismatching hat and wide rimmed sunglasses. He dressed like an old man, despite the fact that his face was as youthful as ever.

As he got closer to the house he slowed his jogging pace, as though trying to assess the situation on whether or not to acknowledge you.

You were making this harder but just staring at him.

First, he went for his dog and cat and gave them some treats and belly rubs.

The whole time you were trying to guess what color of hair he had under that hideous cap of his.

Eventually the pets had their fill of their master and had run off somewhere else in the yard.

You had finally finished your cup of coffee when he stood in front of you.

The two of you just sat in silence. The barks of the Pomeranian being heard in the distance.

“I quit smoking.” He broke the silence.

You looked up at him in surprise “Oh . . . how . . . long?”

He shrugged “A month?”

You slowly blinked then put the empty mug next to you “I see . . . congrats? How . . . do you cope?”

“My junior suggested exercising.”

“Is that why you’re jogging?”

“I used to jog when I was in the academy.”

“That’s good . . .”

Once again silence.

None of you made eye contact the whole time constantly finding interest at some random thing outside.

“You probably taste different . . .” the moment you said this your eyes widened and you turned to him, he was looking right at you.

“Only one way to find out.”

“Black hair suits you better.” It seemed to match his persona much better. Your hands lazily stroked his hair.

Both of you were on the living room floor, clothes scattered out throughout the room and the only thing covering you was his jacket. You were laying on his chest while he had one arm behind his head and another one holding your waist.

The man just chuckled on your comment and gave you a kiss on the cheek than then went to your chin and suddenly you’re once again making out with him.

Your head was already in the clouds from the ‘activities’ earlier and once again you were swept up by him. The way he caressed your body, the way his lips felt so soft on your skin, the way he felt so stable and secure when you leaned on him for support.

“Please . . .” you moaned, you were now laying on the floor, the jacket tossed aside with Kang-hoon looming over you and licking his lips clearly ready for another feast “. . . my . . . legs . . . I just . . .”

He just spread kissed across your neck and in a breathy deep tone whispered in your ear “Don’t worry darling, I’ll do all the work.”  

“They’re what?” you were at a local café not too far from the neighborhood. You were at a table outside waiting for Kang-hoon who went to order.

“A major studio is offering to buy the rights.” It was your manager “So what do you . . .”

“Turn it down”

“What? You didn’t even . . .”

“I’m not interested.”

“Are you insane? Do you know how much money . . .”

“I don’t care.” Your breathing suddenly got heavy “Tell them to find some other writer who probably needs it more than I do.”

“. . . I . . . understand but . . . wow you really strong on the artistic integrity part huh?”

“It has nothing to do with that.” You were about to end the conversation when the person you least wanted to see suddenly spotted you.

It was your husband’s mother.

You lowered the phone as you watched the elderly woman go through a sea of tables just to reach you. Judging by the bundle of clothes she was wearing she probably was on her daily jogging (walking) group.

Words could not escape your mother as you gaped at the woman who stood before you.

“Well then . . .” she crossed her arms, she still had her large shades and visor on “Are you not going to say anything.”

Quickly you stood up and did a bow “Mo . . . . Mrs. Park . . .”

The woman snorted “You called me ‘Mother’ didn’t you?” she sneered at her “How shameful can you get.”

You just kept your head down in a bow, at this point there were some on-lookers.

“Stand up, you’re making an unnecessary scene.” Mrs. Park scolded and you followed immediately just standing up straight with your hands placed in front of you. “Well . . . what are you doing here? This seems quite far from the apartment my son gave you.”

“I moved out.” You answered robotically.

“You moved out? And you didn’t bother telling me??”

“I sent several messages and even called you prior to the funeral.”

She was surprised for a moment before she huffed “Well . . . still, why did you sell it? You could have just transferred it to me?”

“You were never fond of the location . . . nor of the apartment itself. I also transferred the money I got from selling it your account.”

“All of it?”

“Yes ma’am.”

The older woman still glared “What are you doing here . . .”

“Excuse me.” Both of you turned to Kang-hoon who was holding two cups of coffee, one iced Americano for him and one hot Cappuccino for you.

There was fear in your eyes as your tried to gesture him to just leave but it was already too late.

“Is this the man?” Mrs. Park eyed him “You left my son for a younger man?”

You closed your eyes “Ma’am I did not have an affair while I was married to your son.”

“Also, I am older than your son.” He corrected.

You raised your fist and stomped your foot “Kang . . .” you hissed in a low tone.

Mrs. Park lifted her shades and peered at the man, her eyes squinting “You look awfully familiar.”

“I don’t know what you want Madam but please . . .” you sighed and thankfully she turned to you “You may not believe me, but I still loved Ji-hyun despite everything.” You clasped your hands together and looked down “What happened was . . . it’s been over a year . . .”

“So, who is this man then?” Mrs. Park asked.

Both Kang-hoon and Mrs. Park looked at you expectantly.

He was staying up late at the station again because he was in the middle of an interrogation and you decided to drop by to give him (and his two exhausted juniors) dinner. At this point you would come every two or three days just to make sure they could actually eat something.

You had your bags as usual and was humming on your way when right in front of the station was Kang-hoon . . .

And Jun-yeong.

Quickly you hid behind an alley. You stood there for awhile until you could see her walk by from the corner of your eye. You did not know if she saw you but quickly you exited the alley and went straight for Kang-hoon who was about to return to the station.

“Oh . . . I didn’t see . . .”

You gave him the bag.

He sighed and closed his eyes “You saw huh?”

You just nodded.

“She just . . . wanted to sort something out.”

“I know.” you did not really know.

“It was nothing. It was a property thing; it was apparently under both our names.”

“I’m . . . not . . . saying anything.”

He deeply sighed again “But you’re annoyed.”

You bit your lip “You got the car with you right?”

He gave you a strange look “. . . Where are you going with this?”

Suddenly you grabbed the bag of food and headed for inside “Let me give this to your juniors first then.”

He chased after you “What are you planning . . . .?”

You did not even bother hiding your moans when you rode him.

The man could help but just hiss and groan. You were at the underground parking lot in one of the patrol cars. He was seated on the driver’s seat; his pants were down while your panties were somewhere in the car and your skirt was bunched up in his hands while he held your waist.

Your hands were touching the ceiling of the car as you rocked your hips. The sweater you had on was lifted showing your chest as it swung every time you moved.

“I’m really nothing but a live dildo for you huh?” Kang-hoon grunted as his hands started grip your ass.

You gasped as the smack he gave you “It’s . . . AH!” another smack “na . . . na . . . not . . . not that.”

“Then . . . what is it?” he panted trying to converse with you despite he himself shaking at just how good you felt. “Why are you suddenly out here riding me out like some whore?”

Your head knocked back and you let out another wail, your mouth just left open as you felt his dick hit the spot each and every time.

His fingers dug into your buttocks and he spread the cheeks wide “Fine since this is how you want to be treated.” He licked you ears “Then so be it.”

He then started to piston you. Hard.

There was almost a sense of desperation in his thrusts. You were already overwhelmed earlier but now it was getting too much. You could sense the frustration in him, and he tried to ruin you right then and there. Your fingers clawing the ceiling of the car as you received him. You swore the entire parking lot knew you were being fucked with how loud you were moaning and the sounds of skin slapping.

His mouth was once again everywhere. He was a little freak like that. Licking every crevice of your body like it were some treat that you didn’t know if you were coated in sweat or saliva from him.   

“You love it when I fuck you balls deep don’t you?”

“YES! OH FUCK YES!!” at that point you forgot that you were jealous earlier, the only thing in your mind now was his cock and how good it felt.

Your thighs shook as you could no longer hold on, your hands went from the ceiling to clinging onto him as he continued to drill you. Your moans right at his ear.

“Oh, baby keep going.” You whimpered “Finish me off.”

 He let out a grunt as even he was close, but he had to make sure you got there first before he did. Gathering all his strength in those venereal strokes.

When you finally climaxed the only sound from your lips was a soft guttural cry as you clung onto him, your nails clawing the back of his head pining his head to your chest. Despite feeling a bit fatigue, you still tried to ride your high before eventually your body could not move.

For a moment you sat there still as you came down from the high. Heavily panting your ended up resting your head on his chest. You felt like gelatin.

But then you remembered he was still inside you. And still hard.

“I haven’t finished yet sweetheart.”

It was safe to say by the time Kang-hoon finally ate dinner the soup had gone cold.  

It was another late night at work, and the precinct trio were once again swamped with paperwork.

“Why did they make filing so complicated?” Ryeowook massaged his eyes “I already finished half of these reports then suddenly have to redo then in another format.”

Kyuhyun was so tired he had resorted to wearing his glasses because his contact lenses were starting to irritate him from working too long.

Kang-hoon had wanted to smoke several times but just ended up binge snacking on pretzels and whatever sweets Ryeowook brought over as a coping mechanism.

Suddenly Kyuhyun let out a gasp that almost sounded like cow it woke them all up.

Kang-hoon leered “What are you . . .”

Kyuhyun still had his mouth open but then stared really close at the screen before he faced his senior “Wasn’t . . . Mrs. Park . . . alibi that night was that she was at a restaurant across town at the night of the murder?”

Ryeowook and Kang-hoon just stared at him blankly.

“You know Ji-hyun Park’s wife! The guy who was found dead in a bathtub!”

“You mean his girlfriend?” Ryeowook pointed and quickly Kang-hoon slapped his hand.

Kyuhyun blinked and pushed away from his desk “You’re dating a former suspect?”

“What about the alibi?” Kang-hoon rose from his chair.

Kyuhyun swiveled back to his desk “Apparently, about fifteen minutes after she was spotted at the restaurant.” Both Ryeowook and Kang-hoon stood left and right of Kyuhyun as he showed them the video “She was spotted at a bus station going back home.”

Ryeowook crossed his arms “Would that still be enough time though?”

“Here’s another CCTV footage.” Kyuhyun showed another video “Arriving at the bus station just two minutes away from their house, thirty minutes before the time of death.”

Ryeowook slapped Kyuhyun’s shoulder.

“Hey, what was that for!” he yelled.

“THE CASE WAS CLOSED A YEAR AGO AND YOU ONLY GOT THIS FOOTAGE NOW???”

“We couldn’t get access remember?!” Kyuhyun argued back then groaned “Also I wasn’t the one managing this then, it was that other guy.”

“Damn it” Ryeowook sighed “Her cooking is really good though.”

Kyuhyun gaped “Are you saying we’ve been fed by a murderer this whole time?”

“Now let’s not jump into conclusions yet.” said Ryeowook raising his hands “This could . . . mean something else. . .”

“Didn’t you have a really strong hunch on her before?” Kyuhyun turned to the oldest one.

Kang-hoon this whole time just stood there, with his arms crossed at that paused CCTV footage of you wearing a coat and cap and holding a bag as you left the bus stop.

It was another weekend and you finally decided to give one of the abandoned sheds in the garden a repaint. You had cleaned the thing for the whole week and just sanded the walls, now it was good enough to paint. Since Kang-hoon was finally free the two of you decided to paint it together.

You were excited jumping as you heard him pull through the drive through. You had asked him to pick up the paint and was practically skipping as you approached him.

But there was something about the look on his face.

He didn’t say anything, he greeted you with a smile as he grabbed the paint.

But there was just something . . . off.

You didn’t ask him and just followed him to the garden. He greeted his pets and then started setting things up.

He started talking about how Ryeowook suddenly announced that he was getting married, much to the shock of him and Kyuhyun. He even babbled on about how he practically saw Ryeowook grow up from the days when he trained him in the Academy and now, they worked together. It was like watching his son mature in front of his eyes.

You had finished a wall when you finally asked.

“Is something wrong?”

He was checking if he missed a spot when he looked up at you “What?”

“Something’s up . . . right?”

“I . . . what . . .” he bit his lower lip, looked down then let out a deep sigh. He put down the paint brush and dusted his hands on the overalls he wore.

You couldn’t help but gulp at how nervous you felt.

He stood up and face you “You arrived home . . . after going with your friends.”

You blinked in confusion “What? I . . .”

“On the night your husband died.”

Inside your mind a crack broke.

He went on “You left earlier than you mentioned . . . in fact . . . you were already there before it even happened.”

You took a step back; your face had turned pale “I . . . he called me . . . to come home.”

“Why didn’t you say that?”

“You were already suspicious of me; it would just make things worse.”

“You not saying things has the same if not even worse effect.”

You backed up again until you were against the dusty wall “I . . . was scared . . .”

He ran a hand over his hair, gripping the strands “So what did you expect to happen now?”

“. . . I . . .” your throat felt tight and your breathing went hard “. . . don’t know . . .”

The following day she left the house. She already had little things, but he still felt her absence. There was food left for the dog and cat, she even bought a bow for them.

By Monday he received a very thick envelope.

Kyuhyun thought it was money, Ryeowook thought it was some curse.

They were letters marked with a number.

Kang-hoon went to the restroom to read the first one.

It was her confession.

He knew in his heart that she did it. But to see her finally acknowledge it was a whole other experience.

Even when he normally solved his cases, he never felt relieved or gleeful when catching a criminal. There was just a sense of dread when things finally got settled.

Not once did he ever fall in love with his suspects.

He got out of the cubicle; the letter folded in his back pocket. He started to wash his face.

That was when Ryeowook barged in “Sir!” the man waved his hands.

Kang-hoon sighed, his face wet “What?”

“There’s a fire.”

“A fire?”

“At D&E Apartments?”

D&E? Wait that was . . .

Ryeowook knew what was on his mind “It’s her apartment.”

He waited until most of the guests were gone. Most of them were former students, people who she worked in her plays and a few fans of her work.

He didn’t realize you were Catholic until he heard your funeral was at a cathedral.

He stood there staring at your portrait, a small white urn that held your ashes right in front.

The night of the fire he didn’t sleep. In fact, he hadn’t sleep since then. He could only nap for as long as thirty minutes before the ghost of you in his dreams would haunt him.

Sometimes you were simply just cooking at the kitchen. Other times he could feel you touch his shoulder of wrap your arms around him. Sometimes just you sleeping on his chest so peaceful and at rest.

He hadn’t touched the letters since. He never submitted your confession. There seemed to be no point in letting that out.

Especially when you explained why you did it.

The only other person in the cathedral was an altar boy at the back and an elderly woman who may or may not be your grandmother. He couldn’t ask as she was in deep sleep, her snoring echoing throughout the chamber.

He took a seat on one of the steps and took out the second letter.

I always wanted to know how it felt to be wanted or to be held like a lover.

My husband needed me; he needed me to clean up for him. He needed me to support him in his endeavors. He needed me to be the mother of his children.

But not once did he want me.

I assumed that this was just the type love he could give. That perhaps my understanding of love was just mere fantasy based on whatever I’ve seen as a little girl. Perhaps this was real love.

I’ve learned to wear my emptiness like a second skin. It felt so natural that I never even realized one could even feel warmth.

I do not know if you had ever loved me. And I fear it would kill me to ask you that question. But on the brief time we had together . . . I finally learned what warmth felt like.

Perhaps you were simply fascinated, you did say you found me strange. The mere fact that you wanted to know what I was thinking gave me more life than all the years I’ve had with Ji-hyun.

I simply want to apologize. I have been selfish through our . . . correspondence. I do not know what type of relationship we had. Perhaps it was not the best for either of us, but it was one I will never forget even when I’m gone.  

Perhaps I did love you. But I fear it would not end well. Perhaps in another time or world where I was a normal person. If I wasn’t who I was.

Maybe the next one, darling.

“Mister . . . are you alright?” Kang-hoon looked up to see the flustered altar boy look at him. The grandma was just stirring awake and now there was another older man with a mop.

“Huh . . . I?” he reached out to his cheeks, they were wet. He turned back to your portrait.

Much later he walked down the steps of the cathedral almost immediately he found himself sitting on the steps again. His mouth was slightly agape as he stared at the courtyard, a flock of birds flying with little children chasing them around and two nuns watching from a distance.

He laid down against the stairs and looked up at the sky.

— oneshots

L O A D I N G . . .

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L O A D I N G . . .

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— miniseries

L O A D I N G . . .

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— series

L O A D I N G . . .

L ⇴ LAZY DAYS

Your lazy days consisted of calm, making the most of your chance to relax. The two of you would still have to go out because you had to walk the dogs, but your walks were much slower and longer, without the rush of a schedule weighing you down. You’d often stop off at the café on your walks too, grabbing some food on your way and seeing how things were running, with Jonghoon especially keeping an eye on things.

M ⇴ MORNINGS

The two of you had a habit of waking up together in the mornings and doing things together. You’d eat together, do your teeth together, and often leave the house at the same time too, making the most of the time as neither of you often knew how early or late, you’d arrive back home later that night.

N ⇴ NIGHTS

Everything about your evenings was relaxed, the two of you took things very slow and lazed around a lot too, taking things nice and slowly, causally completing your night routines before getting yourselves into bed.

O ⇴ OBSESSION

Jonghoon was obsessed with your smile, it was by far his favourite feature of yours, and something that he found incredibly comforting too. A smile from you always reassured him and made him feel at home too.

P ⇴ PRECIOUS MOMENTS

He loved being in those cliché moments that you often saw in the movies, a walk through the park with the dogs in front of you or a sweet coffee date were some of Jonghoon’s personal favourites. It was the type of relationship that he had always dreamt of, and at last it was finally happening for him with you.

Q ⇴ QUESTIONS

The two of you were always checking in on each other, whether it was in person or over the phone. As soon as you thought of the other, you’d be getting in contact and making sure that they were doing alright.

R ⇴ RANDOM FACTS

Taking photos of you was still one of Jonghoon’s biggest passions, saving an album in his phone of the photos that he took of you every year, hoping one day to create a huge album of the photos that he had taken, allowing the two of you to create a timeline of the many years that your relationship had gone on for.

S ⇴ SILENCE

You both had your moments when you were quiet, enjoying the peace that came with it. Quite often when you’d be doing your own individual hobbies, you’d do it with little noise, perhaps with music playing in the background, coming back together once you’d had enough of spending your time all alone together.

T ⇴ TIPS & TRICKS

Jonghoon’s biggest tip for making your marriage work was understanding, and learning. He was constantly finding out new things about you, even after many years together, there was always more for him to know.

U ⇴ UPSET

He hated seeing you upset, Jonghoon wouldn’t leave your side until he was able to see that things were getting easier for you.

V ⇴ VISITS

His brother especially loved whenever the two of you stopped by the coffee store, he was an extended part of your relationship, and was by far one of the biggest cheerleaders the two of you had from the start.

W ⇴ WISH LIST

Nothing else could make Jonghoon happier than what he had right now, he never felt as if he needed to wish for more from life.

X ⇴ XXXX

Whenever he kissed you, it always came with sweet intentions to try and put a smile on your face. As soon as he caught the corners of your mouth turning up, a shy giggle wouldn’t often escape Jonghoon too.

Y ⇴ YOU

You were his team-mate, quite often the two of you were glued to each other as one.

Z ⇴ ZZZ

Being able to hold you was a big deal for Jonghoon at night, he often became restless when he wasn’t able to hold onto you, trying to match your breathing pattern through the night to keep himself relaxed.

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