#yesitan

As I watched the Dave Chappelle Netflix special last night, I laughed and laughed. His one joke about how we used to answer phones without knowing who was calling, really resonated with me. I loathe answering the phone. I don't even like talking to people in person. I worry about saying something dumb or getting caught seeming as if I am unprepared, or ignorant, or unintelligent. And since I don’t gossip or just shoot the shit (see previous blog about small talk), I really have no use for it.

But there is more to it than that. I am afraid to answer the door when someone knocks. I am afraid to answer a number I do not recognize. I am afraid when I get an email from someone. I am afraid when someone says, “Can we talk for a moment?” And yes, I am afraid. Perhaps betting hauled off to jail a couple of times, student debt, being chastised by a boss for the insignificant concerns of “your little world”, being called into the principal’s office, receiving corporal punishment, hiding from enraged drunk exes, games of man hunt and kick the can, are reasons why many feel this way-- including myself. 

There are days I want to change my identity, I want to put up a metal gate around my house, I want to disconnect my cell phone line and only use data, I want to move to a deserted island, I want to be like that guy who is living in a cabin with no technology for a month (he’s just doing it to write a book of course, like he did when he went without money for a month, but still). 

What a waste to spend time considering cowering in anonymity and unreachability. There was a time when I would charge at everything; I still do, but with MUCH trepidation. 

I just recently started lying on the tanning bed instead of doing a standup. I used to be afraid it would crack a la “Final Destination” style.  When I was asked to be the Model Trainer for an illustrious institution, I was afraid to announce it lest someone change their mind and was SO nervous the day of the shoot. Today, I have a video shoot for a Board I am on, and I wondered if I would look fat. I decided to say “fuck it, be brave gurl”, and ate a very very very large piece of chocolate mousse pie. I feel stuffed but better and from now on I will stay in the fast lane, confidently zooming past my insecurities.