The day I realised I was cursedโฆ Iย remember it so clearly. Hehโฆ how could I possibly forget? It was the first time I fell for someoneโฆย
Yet another couple, a perfect match. Yeonjun smiled at them as they told them that good news, thanking them for the advice he has given them. It was a wonderful feeling, being in love. He would know.ย
For the first time in his life, he laid his eyes on someone who made his heart flutter, burst from his chest and beat with so much emotion that he couldn't help but smile whenever he saw him in the halls. Was this it? Was this the emotion he had been helping others to find all this time?ย
He wasn't sure at first. Crushes come and go, surely he was the same? Yetโฆ each time their eyes met, Yeonjun couldn't help but smile. His would cheeks would burn from just how long he held his grins. His heart would beat so fast it would hurt and his head would spin with thoughts of the man he had fallen for.ย
What was he meant to do? Despite his title of Cupid, he had never once found someone that felt right for him. He longed for him. Every day and every night each thought was plagued by him. He lived and breathed him.ย
He was all he wanted. He was all Yeonjun knew he needed. It was unbearable. The boy grew sick with envy any time his gaze met another. The anger he felt when he would talk to anyone else was unmatched. He was his but he just hadn't realised it for himself.ย
You're Cupidโฆ He thought to himself. Come on Yeonjun, just follow your own advice. Just talk to himโฆ
It was a trial, working up the nerve to speak to him. No matter how many times he tried, he always seemed to miss his opportunity. Words would fail him. His vocabulary left him the moment he was close, replaced with a slew of pathetic gasps and whimpers. By God, it was unbearable.ย
A single breath around him would cause his lungs to flare or his head to cloud with doubt. He thought if he just avoided him, the feeling would go away and yet they followed him everywhere, burdening him to no end. Just the mention of the boy would cause him to choke on the emotions he had bottled up over the weeks he had dreamed of him.ย
Was this love? Was this what he was helping people achieve?ย
Standing was a chore. He could barely walk let alone speak. His legs felt weak and could only carry him so far before he had to lean against something and rest.
Maybeโฆ Just maybe, if he could get him to fall for him, he would finally be relieved of his misery.
Yeonjun looked sick. Nay, the boy was barely alive. His pale skin was covered in veins, his breaths were short and staggered as if he were grasping for what little life he could hang onto. It deterred even the kindest souls in his school. However, he was determined to end this nightmare.ย
There he wasโฆ the boy he had spent daysโฆ weeksโฆ months longing for. A glowing beacon of perfection and charm.ย
A coughing fit erupted from the weakened boy seconds after seeing him but he persisted. Clutching the wall for support, his legs hobbled him closer until they were finally faced to face. The boy of his dreams.ย
"Shitโฆ" His voice was as angelic as ever. His eyes were wide, sparkling as they always had. "You don't look so hot shouldn't you go to the nurseโฆ hey, wait, you're Choi Yeonjun, right?"ย
Heโฆ He knew his name? And he smiled when he said itโฆ Yeonjun could feel his spirits being lifted and for the first time since his illness had taken over, he cracked a small grin.ย
"Cupid, right? Aw, this is perfect! Look I need a huge favour," Yes, yes anything for you! "There's this girl in my class, god she rocks my world! But I have no idea how to ask her out."ย
"Think you could talk me up a bit? I really want to take her on a date."ย
Noโฆ No this is all wrong!ย
A girlโฆ A girl! Who? Since when? Why not Yeonjun?ย
He stumbled away from him, his first scrambling for something to hold. Why, why fuck why! It was as if all the pain he had felt came crashing down on him in just a few minutes. From head to toe, his body burned, a pain so immense words couldn't describe shooting through him.ย
"Holy shit! Dude are you okay?"ย
Yeonjun could barely lift his head. He couldn't even scream, withering in agony before the boy who had caused it. Tears flooded his cheeks as sharp gasps left his mouth, the most he could do in search of a cry for help.ย
"Fuck, stay here I'll go get-" No! No, he couldn't leave him here. Not like this. Yeonjun grabbed his hand, holding it as tight as he could.ย
He clawed at his throat, angry red marks setting in while he struggled. If he could just say itโฆ If he could just confessโฆ
"I-Iโฆ l-lโฆ" Come on Yeonjun! "Iโฆ" COME ON! "I love you!"ย
Bitterโฆ Painfulโฆ Silence.ย
The boy looked down at him. His eyes were wide once more but not from intrigued or excitementโฆ but from uncertainty. His mouth hung open and not a word came out. Yeonjun shook his head and no matter how much he pleaded for him not to go, his hand slowly slipped from his cold grasp.ย
He had been rejected. He had been left to suffer by the boy he thought would be his everythingโฆย
"N-Noโฆ g-god please, don't go!"ย
The boy froze in place, confusion filling the faces of both students. Was he going to stay? Had he realised what he had done to Yeonjun's heart?ย
The other student stumbled back. His throat seemed to go dry, judging by the way he gulped and his eyes flickered towards his hands. โW-What theโฆโ Slowly, the colour began draining from his body and yet, his panic didnโt last long. Apathy overtook him, his face blank as the life left from his gaze completely.ย
He was justโฆ nothing. There was nothing there. No panic, no fear, not even a shred of irritation he wasโฆ emotionless.ย
It was that day that I learned as easy as it was to fill people with love, joy, ambitionโฆ I could just as easily take it away. I was stupid, I knew why I fell for him but I was too overtaken by emotion to realise I was hurting myselfโฆ I havenโt fallen for anyone since. But hey, if I canโt have love, at least I can help others find it, right?
