"why do people cling to their pasts so much? i wonder if i would be the same like them, if i could remember mine."
THE MISDEMEANORS OF DUMB AND DUMBER — — — ( 2 / ?? )
this is not a personal attack, Jaewoo has to remind himself as he idly wiggles his dangling legs off the edge of the rooftop. a few banana milk bottles and leftover ramen cups create the tiny gap between the two as they overlook the vibrant twinkling of the glitzy city lights beneath their swaying feet. often he is pleasantly reminded of Oliver’s contemplative nature that tends to be drawn out after his stomach is contented with some food which seems to diminish the licking flames of fiery hot anger in his belly — for a while at least. glancing down at the empty cup of rice cakes they had previously earned from the auntie manning the food stall, he is amused to see not a morsel left of the spicy tangy sauce but at least it means Oliver is well fed, momentarily.
do you remember that I’m a ghost ? he silently inquires in his mind to his companion, a beseeching look softening his eyes as he glances at him with a noiseless plea for Oliver to somehow pick up on his telepathic words. the whole reason why I’m still here is that I couldn’t move on from my past.
as if Oliver can sense the uncharacteristic disquietude, he also laspses into a thick delve of silence. or perhaps he is distracted by one of the annoying pigeons perched on the nearby ledge, Jaewoo ardently prays that he doesn’t attempt to fight a pigeon in the midst of their reflective meditating. for once, he needs a moment to collect his swirling thoughts. just then the crisp autumn breeze conjures up a barrage his already frigid skin that elicits another cool volley of his melancholic mulling. then he finally speaks up, voice low to conceal the tremor behind it.
“ you know how they say . . . okay well you wouldn’t know the saying but there is a saying that when someone leaves you, someone you really like, they don’t leave behind memories. they leave you behind with the emotions that you felt with them. we can easily forget the words that they said to us and the little actions they did are lost over time. we forget about those slowly. but the feelings stay with you for life, that’s why it is hard to move on. you know how intensely you feel your anger, Oliver ? imagine if you hypothetically liked someone but every day they made you want to throttle them, thrash them around, beat them to pulp because they keep doing something you don’t like. something like this, overstepping their boundaries. ” with a feeble but small smile, he reaches out to gently prod at the other’s arm to surely invoke his involuntary recoiling. raising a hand up in defeat right after to let him know that he isn’t doing it for the sake of teasing this time, he glances back to the neon signboads flashing the latest gentrified food slogans. “ they keep making you angry day after day after day. kind of like me, huh. but you like this person. then they leave. they go to America or somewhere. they are far away from you now. are you going to remember what they said to you or how furious they made you all the time ? what would you remember best ? ”
absentmindedly, he gently pushes down the sleeves of his jacket to thumb over the scars that mar his wrists as an ever present reminder of how is he unable to face the nightmares that fester, always staring intently at him in the shadows behind. all he knows is his past yet he cannot seem to confront a single fragment of his past.
“ I cannot remember the details of my life when I was still alive, ” he softly whispers out in a profound confession. “ what I cannot escape is the feelings of how the people I knew made me feel. I still feel it everyday, I feel it each time I look at my body. that’s why it’s hard moving on. I hope you never get to experience it. ” that being said, he purses up his lips as he takes a moment to wonder what goes in Oliver’s mind once he is alone, left in the darkness with his empty stomach once again. cautiously picking his words, he curiously questions as he turns his soulful eyes back to Oliver’s peering gaze. “ do you want to remember ? do you feel like you aren’t completely full as yourself without knowing ? ”
his lip trembles now. he hates himself for always referring back to his own past whenever the topic is brought up in conversation, especially when Oliver is trying to fathom the concept. but what better way is it to explain an intangible mess than to provide a very tangible, real life, personal, up and close example ? patting at his chest, he forces himself to smile albeit his pearly teeth and its mischievous glint remain hidden. “ if you want one example of what you could turn out like, just look at me. I have the knowledge of what my past was like to a certain degree but I’m an emotional wreck Oliver and it’s not a good thing. but . . . you are super strong. seriously strong. like a thousand billion times stronger than superman. remember that guy ? I think you’re really strong for withstanding what the hell you went through. you’re here. you’re living as yourself. you don’t let anyone beat you down even if you don’t have the full details of your past. but that’s why I think even if you are to remember and the memories overwhelm you, I know you will be okay. you will be Oliver Kang in the end. you’ll come out even more indestructible. you might dip down for a long time but I know you’ll be able to come out of it. you’ll be yourself in the end. the memories will become fuel for you if anything. ” glancing at him earnestly now, he thumps on his own chest solemnly. “ and if that does happen, I’ll be here to help you through your past memories. I’ll make sure to remind you of who you are right now. you won’t be alone. I have your back. ”
