#yaaaaargh

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i convinced myself at such a baby age that i was entirely too dumb to do anything i wanted, and entirely too stupid and incapable to follow my dreams or meet my goals, so there was no point in having any. and i’ve just been living my whole life up til now like a sort of jellyfish-thing with no thoughts, no feelings, no memories, no aspirations, nothing to look forward to, no future ahead, just going with the flow figuring one day i’d die and that’d be the end of it. but idk, things are starting to stir with me this month

i played outer wilds a while ago, i saw project hail mary the other week, i watched artemis II launch, im looking at those photos of the moon and the earth, im hearing what those astronauts have to say, and i’m remembering how i used to love space. how i used to be into aerospace and astronomy, how i used to stay up late reading about rockets and celestial bodies, and i wanted to work in a STEM field when i grew up. it’s all too fuzzy and scrambled to remember now but that was like, a Part of me at one point.

it was just when i could never meet a deadline, or wrap my head around mathematics, or quiet my brain enough to focus on a lab report, or gather my thoughts, or even just read words in the right order the first time. it was when i couldn’t figure out how to ask questions cus i didn’t know what to ask about. it was when i didn’t know how to be curious. i still don’t think i know how to be curious. i still feel incredibly stupid over it.

and i’m sitting here now, a 20 year old child, trying to remember how to dream. and i’m thinking about these last two years that have flown the fuck by; my first two as an adult where i haven’t been working towards anything— i haven’t even been saving. and i’m thinking that i need something to live for, something to work towards, and all i can think about right now is the science that used to speak to me. i want something to do with it again. i’m not convinced i can. i feel so far behind and i don’t know where to begin