#xmanwithaplan

Steve tries his best to keep the emotions off of his face, but his          poker face, so to speak, falters a little when he feels the pang          of pain in the center of his chest. That’s the thing, he’s not fine.          All of this has been hard on the both of them. He’s just… trying          his best to cover up how it’s effecting him. Put on a smile, it’ll be          okay. That’s his motto. If you’re smiling then everything has to be          okay.           He sighs and glances down at his feet, knowing that he’s going to          have to reply to him in one way or another; and he’s not sure if he          can lie to his face. Not again. Pursing his lips, he closes his eyes          and inhales deeply before looking up at him and shaking his head;          glancing off to the side and letting out an exhale.                          ” — No. I’m not fine, Buck.”

People like them, after they've seen and lived through the things they have, being okay simply isn't a possibility. It's something atop a tall cabinet that a small child can't get to when it's the only goal on their mind, and God, how they want to be okay. 

So they hide. They build up their walls and put on their armor and every day is like going to war because they can't take the chance of letting anyone in. It's easier to pretend than it is to spill the truth because no one understands, and there is this rut that threatens to eat them alive and it isn't until they're completely devoured that they realize that maybe there was someone there for them. And now it's too late.

And Bucky has heard that lie so many times. He can see through the facade of a man just as broken as himself because he knows how it is to make it look like you're fine. Back when he was a weapon, they'd hurt him in any way possible to increase his pain tolerance until he didn't respond to it at all, but he still felt it. He just learned to conceal it, and even now that carries over. But sometimes it's hard. Because he doesn't like flat-out lying to Steve, so he'll hide the signs as best as he can, and he knows his friend does the same.

Turmoil crosses the others features, distorting them as he contemplates, and Bucky couldn't possibly describe the relief that floods him when Steve decides to tell the truth for once. All the other times, Bucky never said anything because he knows what it's like to be on the side of those who are being prodded for information. It's not enjoyable at all. So he respected that. Now that Steve's finally admitted that he's not okay? The former asset may not be the best at consolation, but he can at least listen.

clint wtf what is happening my old man ears are bleeding profusely

     Waking in the middle of the night drenched in perspiration after       suffering through a nightmare is a usual occurrence, and one he's       learned to just brush off by wiping it off his brow, tossing a sheet or       two off of him, and rolling over. But this time is different. There's a       sort of tension in his stomach that makes the hair on the back of his       neck stand on end, and his skin is entirely clammy. The amount of       moisture in his mouth is more than usual, and his throat feels slightly       tight, his brain behind his forehead aching as he sits up slowly and       swings his legs over the side of his bed. With just that motion, a bit of       lightheadedness sets in along with a wave of nausea. He knows that if       he remains sitting here that it won't be any better than if he's in the       bathroom, and he'd rather chuck his guts into the toilet bowl than the       carpet anyway. 

      It's been a while since he's done this — and as he stumbles out of his       bed and past his friend's bedroom, he realizes it's the first time it's       happened around Steve — but it was most definitely triggered by the       memory in the form of a nightmare of the effects of the drugs they'd       pumped into him when he wasn't on ice. 

[ text ;; buck ] uh because i was laughing really hard [ text ;; buck ] and i didnt feel like picking you up & carrying you back home

        ”I’m that flight that you get on, international.             First class seat on my lap girl, riding comfortable~.”