So, we had an attempted robbery.
I’ve calmed down since and feel like I can talk about it. Last night, my roommate and I were sitting outside our house on the stoop having a cigarette, and chatting with our neighbor across the street. I was really absorbed in this Irish folk artist I’d found on You Tube (Patty Gurdy; gets her name from her favorite instrument, check her out she’s awesome). My companions were discussing sewing. Next thing I knew, a couple of kids (by kids I mean between ages 13-15) show up in hoodies. I heard a tazer go off, looked up and the boy of the two is waving around a semi-automatic, yelling: “Gimme the purse! Gimme the money!”
I in my esoteric mindset thought it was a joke at first. Then I heard my neighbor yell: “WHAT THE FUCK!”, and I realized these kids were actually trying to rob us. I blinked at the guy and said we’re all broke and unemployed. None of us have any money. Honestly I think it was the neighbor turning on the girl when she tazed him and yelling WTF in her face that startled them the most, but they both took off running.
So we all fucked off into the house after they vanished and I grabbed my sword in one hand, my phone in the other and dialed 911 to report it while my roommate went to the back of the house to tell her hubby what just happened.
Honestly, I don’t recall grabbing the sword. Apparently I was brandishing it while talking to the police over the phone. Huh. Anyway, our poor neighbor got zapped in the ass. That was the “ffffttt” I heard before, followed by the “WHAT THE FUCK??”
Three police cars showed up. They took statements from us and all the neighbors; seems our direct nextdoor neighbors spotted a getaway car with a woman in it. It’s quite likely she was the mother of the assailants and was using her kids to try and rob people. I think the fact that stimulus checks are being released might have a play in it.
We’re all fine, but it got the whole house shaken up. Now we can laugh about the neighbor being tazed in the butt and me playing Viking woman while on the phone with 911.
Be aware of your surroundings, people. Even on your front porch. It’s getting worse.









