#xchina

[盘丝洞艺术摄影 (PANS.mn)] 一月

[盘丝洞艺术摄影 (PANS.mn)]

中国工作室 - PANS (pans.mn)

(I know you're not going to like certain things in my insert, after reading you "About this Blog" section, but thats my fault xD! Don't hold back on this one; I am grateful for any and every bit of critique I get. c: And sorry if I submitted this wrong; I'm still getting used to how the submission thing works |D)

Submitted by protectorofsnow for a critique of their own piece.

[Just so you know, you submitted it just fine~ Anyway, this is our first piece submitted by one of our watchers that they actually wrote themselves.  I'm pretty thrilled.]

((I as well!  The two of us decided to both take a look at this.  My (Annie’s) comments are written in double parenthesis.  I hope this doesn’t get too confusing.  I won’t repeat anything that Jussuls says, but I might add my own two cents in here or there.  Bear with us?))

You never realized how easy it was for mere clothing to conceal just about anything.

Until tonight, that is.

((I really like that first line.  It’s intriguing, which invites me to read more!  It’s always super important to hook your reader within the first few lines, otherwise they might stop reading.  Nice work!))

Hearing the microwave timer ding, you jumped up from the living room to retrieve the fresh popcorn. You simply loved the noise of ripped the bag open, steam flowing up and out, and dumping the warm snack into a colorful bowl.

["Ripped" should be "ripping," but aside from that, I'm actually pretty impressed with this introduction.  There's actual description, and that's something that I haven't seen with many of the other pieces.  Personally, the second person POV is still awkward, but I like how you've told "me" where I am and what I'm doing.]

((The word “noise of” suggests that you also enjoy the noise of the steam and the dumping of the popcorn.  This might call for a rework of that last sentence while retaining that same information.  Perhaps as “You simply loved the noise the bag made as you ripped it open—steam bursting out—before you dumped the warm snack into the colourful bowl.”  Or something similar.  Just my suggestion.  There are other ways to go about it, some probably better than mine.))

You knew that China wouldn’t really eat a lot of it, give or take any of it, because it wasn’t healthy. (Not that you cared.)

[Consider, possibly, taking the statement in parentheses and making it a complete sentence, letting it stand alone, or tacking it onto the end of the previous sentence.  I think that might make it read a little easier.]

((You could even—building off of Jussuls’ comment—describe the last time this happened.  This might even help establish “my” prior relationship with China.  I mean, a few sentences would suffice.))

Readying the DVD player, you popped the disc of a horror film into the slot and took your place on your cozy couch with your blow [bowl] of popcorn.

 All you had to do now was wait for China to finish his shower((,)) and you two would be all set for movie night! (Much to his unwillingness;[This is an awkward wording; consider taking the parenthesis out.  We can infer the unwillingness from the quote itself.  The placing is a bit odd—though I do love that quote—so perhaps you could put that where China first appears after his shower.  Then you’d have a chance for some cute/fun dialogue.] “We could be doing something more productive! Your western traditions are so odd sometimes…”) ((Dialogue is a great way to reveal information, rather than giving it in the narrative.  Plus, it helps establish the relationship between China and “me”.  Showing is generally better than telling.))

You were fiddling with the remote when China suddenly appeared.  ((You could do with a little more description here.  People feed off of detail!  How “I’m” sitting on the couch, whether or not “I’ve” got a pillow on my lap or not, any smells/sounds, what the tv or coffee table is like, etc.  Then it makes China’s appearance more “sudden” if we get the notion that “I’m” preoccupied.  You could even go as far as to say that “I” looked up and was startled to see China standing there (That’s a lot more descriptive than using the word “suddenly appeared”).  That sort of thing is a lot more engaging than a simple statement.))

Looking up at him, your face lit up. You two were pretty much wearing matching pajamas; sweat pants and t-shirts. [Use a colon here instead of a semicolon.]  ((Definitely.  Semi-colons are to be used when two closely related independent clauses need to be connected.  That means that each clause on either side of the semi-colon must be able to stand alone as a complete sentence.))

At the same time, you found this a little unusual. You had never seen China wear something so casual and revealing, compared to how he normally dresses. [Tense change.  Make sure you read everything through once you've written it to make sure mistakes like this don't slip by.]  ((How does he normally dress?))

“So, what are we watching exactly, _____,” he asked, snapping you out of your thought. ((Rather than saying “snapping you out of your thought” here, you could add it into the paragraph where you respond to his question.  I would suggest indicating this through action, maybe by having “me” blink or “my” eyes refocus.  Never simply tell what you can describe.))

“Oh! Um, well, if you don’t mind, I chose a scary movie for us to watch tonight. It’s called The Ring and I heard it was pretty decent,” you replied, noticing the title screen was up and ready to go.

“Fine, that sounds good,” he responded, taking a seat next you.

“Hey, if it gets too scary for you, just let me know,” you snickered.

“I doubt that will happen; it takes a lot to scare me nowadays, ((You’ve used the semi-colon properly here. (: ))” he playfully smirked at you.

[Oh wow, actual dialogue tags!  "Replied," "responded," "snickered," "smirked," I like seeing something other "adjective-ly said;" I think it gives a piece a little bit more action, depth.]

Ready to return his smile with a playful punch, something suddenly caught your gaze. ((The way this is worded it sounds like the “something” that “suddenly caught [my] gaze” is what was “ready to return his smile”.  Add the subject into the first clause to clear up that confusion.))

His arms. They were faint, but you could make out rows and columns of scars decorating the arm closest to you. ((More description?  Are they perfectly straight columns/rows.  Are they crisscrosses?  Jagged edges?  I’m assuming the light is off?  Perhaps the glow of the tv plays off them in a way that illuminates them.))

Now, even though you two had been together for quite some time, you never noticed these before.  ((I didn’t realize that “I” was together with China until now—unless I missed it.  You should probably establish that early on in the piece, even if just mentioning it in passing.  On another note, I’m assuming that we noticed the scars for the first time because he’s wearing only a t-shirt.  If this is the case, you should probably mention this so that it ties in with the first sentence.))

Sure, he had shown you the scar that marked his back, but you didn’t even think that he had more.

…Most likely from all of the wars and complications he had lived through.

[Give us a transition from not knowing where the scars existed to our conclusion of where they came from.  Maybe even something as simple as "you thought," at the end of that last sentence.  I don't know, it just seems rather sudden and it would be nice to know how we came up with that.] ((Maybe China has told us stories before?))

There was something about you and people with scars. You felt uneasy being around the[m], out of fear that you might hurt them. It’s a little difficult to explain properly.

Feeling rather downtrodden, you hadn’t noticed that China caught you staring at him.

“Hmm? _____? What is it?”

Immediately snapping out of your trance, you quickly replied, “Nothing. Um, could you please turn off the lights?” ((Never mind about that comment earlier wondering if the lights were on or off.))

Giving you a confused look, China slowly got up to turn the light from the lamp off.

He made his way back to the couch and attempted to put his arm around your shoulders as the movie opening began. But when he saw you recoil away from him, he pulled his arm back, a look of hurt creasing his facial features.

[We understand that it's a lamp, or something to that effect, and that it's the opening to the movie.  Not every sentence needs that level of detail; if it's something that your reader can assume, then you can assume that they did.]

You kept your eyes on the screen, feeling horrible about what you just did. You were just…nervous that you would hurt him if you touched his arm.

It was the main reason why you absolutely refused to touch the scar on China’s back, even though he said you could.

Throughout the movie, you two sat awkwardly next to each other, both jumping out of fear from the occasional scene.

All in all, the movie itself wasn’t as scary as you hoped it would have been, and you never got to cuddle into China once.

When the movie ended, you went to turn on the lights and looked back to see China make [making] his way to your bedroom, shoulders slumped.

Without really thinking, as if on instinct, your hand made its way to his.

And you led him to the bedroom yourself. [This could have been put with sentence/paragraph above.  It would have made the entire things a more coherent thought.]

“…”

You brought China to the ((bed)) and sat next to him.

Getting over yourself, you gently wrapped your arms around his torso, avoiding his arms, and you buried your face into his chest. [Be careful of being repetitive-- in this case with "arms"-- within your sentences.  It makes things look sloppy and almost like you don't care (even if that's not the case.)]

“Hey,” you said.

China, clearly not sure at all of what was going on, was shocked to see your body begin to tremble. ((You broke POV a bit here.  At least I think you did—then again I’m not quite sure how this form of 2nd person is supposed to even work.  I would assume that most of everything should be somewhat from the point of view of “me”?  “I” would only be able to deduce how he’s feeling—not read his mind.  It might be better to just give outward signs of his shock—such as the widening of eyes, a gasp, etc.))

“A-aiyaa! _____! What’s wrong.” He asked, placing his arms around you, completely confused at this point. [Also, you already told us that China doesn't know what's going on, you don't need to tell us one paragraph down that he's still confused.  Trust us, we haven't forgotten what we just read two sentences ago.]

Sobbing, you shakily replied, “Y-your arms…The s-scars, China, your scars! I-i’m sorry, I’m so s-sorry…”

Understanding you a bit better ((My prior comment applies to this clause as well)), China asked, “_____, you know…I have lived for long [a long time?] and fought in so many wars…I guess I just accumulated them over time.”

Lying down with you on top of him, China began to rub small circles around the middle of your back.

“W-when I pulled away from you earlier, I was afraid I was going to hurt you,” you mumbled quietly into his chest.

Of course, China wasn’t mad at you. Only concerned that he had done something wrong. Breathing out a small sigh of relief, he chuckled.

“_____, there is nothing you could do that would hurt me. Just stay by my side and I’ll be fine. My scars don’t hurt anymore because I already let go of the past, for the most part. With you here, I forget about the bad times and I’m truly at ease.”

He gently used his thumb to wipe away the tears from your face, and you gave a small smile.

“And _____...”

You looked up at him.

“To make up for the lack of attention during the movie, I hope you won’t mind me sharing your bed with you tonight,” he smiled, pulling you closer for some much deserved cuddle time.

[Overall, I'm impressed.  This story, while maybe a tad rushed, has a beginning, middle, and end, and though it's short, there's definitely a logical progression to it.  "I" wasn't an over-the-top Mary Sue, and all of the basics of writing (spelling, punctuation, grammar) were more or less accounted for.

That being said, there's still definite room for improvement.  I like the detail in this piece, but sometimes there's almost too much.  Not every sentence has to contain multiple clauses or heavy description.  Sometimes it is better to just write it like it is, so to speak.  When you add too much it just gets awkward. Also, this is just my personal opinion, but I believe this piece could have been written without the dreaded name blank.  Never once did China really have to say my name, especially since we were the only two in the story.  Again, my opinion, but seeing how little it was actually in there to begin with, it might be worth taking a look at.]

((Yeah, overall not bad.  I’m glad that there was some setting revealed and that this wasn’t an over the top sort of desperate romance story.  My only big thing is that there was a lot of telling when there should have been showing.  Some telling is necessary for the exposition (setting up of the story), but showing action is much more engaging to the reader.  The key is to be as vivid as possible.  You want to teleport the reader there, leaving only just enough up to the imagination.))