#xbetterfeared

             THE QUESTION COMES AS A SURPRISE,   eyebrows raising and features sharping almost instantly.   here, in the land between the said and the unsaid, lies a truth that she has never once dared to voice out loud   :   how many times did you tell yourself that your heart beat for him the same way it did for henry, and pretended it was enough?   how many lies did you tell yourself to make it more bearable, to make him good, to make you happy?   

                    (   but he did make you happy, didn’t you?   didn’t you smile, when he called your name, moan when he kissed your skin, felt yourself fuller when he was around?   did you not smile, truly, when you were with him? you  ——  when he was there, when he was kind  —–    did he not make you feel alive?  he did. he did. he did.   ) 

             did you ever love me?   yes. no. maybe. she runs her fingers through her palms, words getting caught on her throat, eyes never once leaving his   —–      they’ve been through this before,   they’ve wanted each other before. we were never friends.   if she closes her eyes, she still remembers everything  :  every touch, every word, every whisper, every moan.   did you ever love me?   tell me, tell me, tell me   ——    she’d love to know it, too. 

             can you look past the mistakes the two of you made together  (  the mistakes you two are making together  )   and remember what it was that made you come back in the first place?  yes. no. yes.    ❛   don’t do this.   ❜    she says, as cold as she can, head as high as it can be  :   she can’t remember it, she can not allow herself to remember it. think of the screams. think of the words. think of everything but the way you thought he made you feel. don’t think. don’t think. don’t allow him  ——    ❛   you’re married. you’ve made your choice.   ❜     she can hear his voice already  :   you were the one who left.  

                   FORGIVE ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED   :     i have wanted more than i could get, i have allowed emotions to get in the way of ambition. father, are you there?   father, can you hear me?   is it a lost cause, a lost hope, stupid foolish dreams of having someone, being someone?  father, father, father please   —–   forgive me.    

                 tongue tied, lips parted, heart palpitating against her chest again and again and again. is it fear or submission that keeps her head down, eyes facing his shoes, fingers digging into her palms   ——     stupid, selfish little girl, how could you ever think of yourself as something more than a whore’s daughter?   (    but she was good, wasn’t she?  her heart was purer than yours will ever be, the smile on her lips brighter and kinder than yours has ever been   —–   oh, little girl, you never even stood a chance, did you?   she’d be so disappointed, if she saw what you’ve become   ).                  

               she feels his fingers against her jaw, tightly gripping them as he forces her to face him, to look into his eyes as he says his case   :   what will it be, this time?   despicable, stupid, foolish, whore, weak, witless, puerile, unsophisticated.   she’s heard it all, has felt it marked against her skin again and again and again, like a repeat button, on a loop.  what will it be, this time?   look at me when i talk to you. christ, you look everything like your mother. 

                he never talks of her   :    she knows this because she asked, once, and his response, though wordless, spoke highly enough of his feelings.  a broken glass, a punch to the table, an unbreakable stare that pierced through her soul and left marks, and marks, and marks.   go upstairs. we do not speak of whores in this house. you have offended elizabeth.  it rings on her head, again and again and again    ——    he never speaks of her.   he’d never speak highly of her.  you look everything like your mother.      she forgets, sometimes, how cold words can be.  she forgets, sometimes, of the wintriness that comes attached to every syllable that has ever left thomas lefurgey’s lips. 

               forgive me, father, for i have sinned   :    i have shared resemblance to the one person who has ever given me love, has ever cared for me.   forgive me father, for i have sinned   :   i have forgotten the reason, forgive me, i have loved, forgive me.   she keeps her head high, his hands tight around her jaw, eyes filled with tears while his are filled with hatred, and coldness, and disgust.  have you ever loved me? will you ever love me?  don’t ask stupid questions, little girl. you’ve always known the answer. you’ll always know the answer.    ❛   forgive me, father. i’m afraid not even lefurgeys can control genetics.   ❜