#x59054

+ adam ruzek. kim was in intelligence now. THE BIG LEAGUES. but it felt like no one was happy she was there, besides maybe erin. she was a good friend. even olinsky was being a challenge. she assumes it's to make her a better cop - he wouldn't be mean just for fun. but that wasn't what had bothered her most. not what hurt and haunted her mind, AND EVERY DAMN MOMENT, awake or asleep. adam was gone. he'd taken an undercover job - like, deep undercover. she'd gone to his apartment, used her key to get inside. (the key he never asked for back) and everything was gone, no sign of the man who robbed her from her heart and never bothered to return it. no: 'hey kim, i'll be going on a job - but i'll be okay' - no. he was just gone. THERE WAS NO TRACE OF THE LIFE THEY LIVED TOGETHER. the toothbrush she left behind? that had been packed too. well, packed or erased. she wasn't so sure anymore. she had asked sergeant platt - who might've been some weird mix of mother and best friend in one - who also denied her information. she knew, and hadn't told her. and then she had the audacity to tell her she could choose: " what do you want to be? a cop or a mother hen? " the choice was easy right? a cop, a cop, a cop. but that's not what her mind yells.

it takes weeks. too many. and then she's walking up the hallway to her little apartment. it was too small, too little to withhold all the heartache she brought with her - but she'd gotten so good at leaving it at home. stuff it all in. LOCK THE DOOR AND DON'T LOOK BACK. but she doesn't make it inside her apartment before her heart starts to throb, and it's hard to breathe. her home was waiting outside, not to be confused with the apartment. the apartment was a shell for her things and a place she tossed and turned herself to sleep - her home, however.. adam ruzek. the one and only. he looked like he'd gotten older while he was away, the scruff was scruffier. like he didn't bother to shave before he came here - and if she knows him right? HE HADN'T. but they were alone now ... for the first time since everything had gone down, since she found a picture of the two of them in his old desk. and when she walks towards him, she doesn't think. kim also don't know who kisses who first, all she knows is that her fingers are in his hair, tugging and pulling for him to come closer. TO CRAWL INTO HIM. lips and tongues meet and mix, and it feels like coming home. like she'd been homesick and alone for so long.

it almost felt cruel. how she'd been invited to intelligence for the day - but olinsky had ulterior motives, she was sure of it. or maybe it was platt - they were getting married, so maybe both? kim was maid of honor, adam was best man. and now they'd been put on surveillance duty together. just the two of them, alone in the car - at least al had packed them all his good snacks from his secret layer. "hey - this candy bar expired in twenty-twenty. do you think it's a bad idea to eat it?" and almost like a paid supporting actor, kim's stomach lets out a rumble.

"trudy says i don't have a plus one for the wedding," she doesn't know why she said that - or why those were the words she chose. except, she kinda knows when she follows up with her next question. "do you.. ? have a, an um.. a plus one? for the wedding of the century?" that was what trudy platt had dubbed it. and she had kim help her out, which mostly just consisted of kim nodding and telling trudy she's right in whatever decision she makes. all while kim mourns her own wedding. she even had to pay platt twenty bucks for getting married before kim. kim wasn't even getting married anymore. god life is one cruel joke, and everything really sucks. "you know.. mom was really bummed about not meeting you." it wasn't entirely true. kim had been sad about it - but kim's mother was only in town for one night to meet the love of her life. she didn't really care. and when she told her that the wedding wasn't happening, she'd changed the subject to kim's niece's recital instead. but it sounds pretty good, right?

eyes silently scream at him: please see me, i'm drowning here.

"you want to ... buy a house?" tilting her head at her fiancé. she was the one who told him they should move in together - she even batted her lashes ( a nuclear weapon for convincing boyfriends ) and told him it should be soon. especially with adam's dad olinsky and michelle sleeping in his apartment. the apartment that kim spent most of her time in anyways. she just hadn't expected to take the big step of buying something of their own. yet it bubbles in her chest.

there    is    an    art    to    the    way    maw    quirks    ,         to    the    way    chapped    lips    upturn    .           there    is    a    radiance    to    a    smile    that    dances    on    his    lips    like    a    hologram    .          it    illuminates    ebony    cloaked    shadows    ,      a    bright    spot    in    a    sea    of    agony    and    darkness    .          it’s    like    the    sun    peeking    from    the    gloom    ,         an    abundance    of    warmth    washing    over    the    land    .          but    the    land    is    you    .     the    sun    is    him    .          it    inspires    a    smile    of    your    own    to    form    ,         dark    -    ochre    gaze    fixating    on    baby    blues    .          ‘    thanks    for    invitin’    me    over    for    dinner    ,         man    .    ’    voice    is    gruff    -    pitched    ,         and    you    think    ,      there’s    a    tint    of    red    blossoming    upon    your    cheeks    ,      but    how    can    you    be    sure    ?

two    plates    occupy    the    surface    of    counter    .          set    the    table    ,      remove    yourself    from    lust    -    lit    air    ,         he    thinks    .    but    he    reaches    ,      and    so    does    adam    .          ‘    oh    ,         i    —    ’          words    are    long    forgotten    once    he’s    in    orbit    .          oh    ,      he    is    so    close    ,         so    close    .          breath    a    warm    puff    on    cheek    ,         gaze    a    warm    glow    that    revives    limbs    .

memories    are    kept    stored    away    in    our    brains    .           sometimes    ,      the    reveal    themselves    in    the    form    of    jubilation    .          sometimes    ,      they    reveal    themselves    in    forms    of    sorrow    .          sometimes    ,      they    reveal    themselves    in    forms    of    fear    .          but    ,         tonight    ,      they    blossom    in    the    form    of    graphics    .          vibrant    polaroid    pictures    that    confess    a    tale    of    humiliation    .          ‘    looks    like    you    might’a    outdid    yourself    with    this    one    ,      ruzey    ,    ’          tone    is    teasing    ,         guffaw    escaping    parted    lips    at    the    sight    ,         before    displaying    childhood    memory    to    companion    .          ‘    you    definitely    rock    the    blue    steel    look    and    a    speedo    better    than    anyone    i    know    .    ’          an    array    of    photos    ,      of    memories    ,         on    display    thanks    to    bob    ruzek    .          ‘    can’t    believe    your    dad    kept    all    these     …    ’          but    he    can    .          it’s    just    not    something    his    own    father    would    ever    do    .          a    father    who    embraced    crime    instead    of    family    .          a    father    who    preferred    the    four    walls    of    a    jail    cell    over    the    affectionate    walls    of    a    home    .

he'd been engaged before. so what, right? but he'd been engaged twice and he hadn't told her about the first time. her stomach was twisting for the whole shift - so she'd mentioned it to roman. to see if he knew something, maybe just to speak her thoughts out loud, so they don't gnaw at her heart. but what he suggests and tells her just confuses her more. 'some guys like the trailer more than the movie' but that didn't sound like adam. adam loves her. he wouldn't just propose to her just to propose. just for the title. but then roman suggest something he called the 'push' test. if adam agreed to push the wedding - he wasn't all that invested in getting married. she chewed on the idea the whole damn day. and when he meets her in the locker room ...