#wwitd

what exactly does this mean? 

did he have sex with another dog???

Let me paint you the picture of productivity.  Then let me light it on fire, put it out with a bucket of monkey piss, and instead share with you my morning chat with IT.

It's morning time, which means time to log into the 14 different things I have to log in to in my home office, which is a desk about 10 feet from my bed in my Harlem studio.  While things are starting up, I go over to the kitchen to start the coffee.  I hear the "ding" of an error message, so I walk over to the computer and see that the VPN won't log me in.  Hrmm, I think, that's annoying.  Let me just open webmail really quick so I can at least see what line my 9:30 call is on, check a few emails, and then I'll figure out this VPN thing once I'm caffeinated.  I open my browser, go to my webmail, and it won't accept my log in credentials, either.  Well, shit on a stick, I think, and decide to go back to trying the VPN thing.  Nothing.  I try the usual 8 or 10 clicks and tricks and nothing works.  I think, WWITD? (What would IT do?) and restart my computer.  That's always the answer, right?  And if I can't log in to my computer after it restarts, then I know my password has expired without notification, and I can just call IT to have them reset it.

I log in just fine into my restarted computer.  So the password is fine, and it's all nice and restarted now, so everything should be fine, right?.  Nope.  VPN, not working.  Webmail, not working.  By this time, it's 9:15, and I've had no coffee or breakfast, and my call is at 9:30.  Oh, did I mention that my blackberry no longer works?  I guess it could no longer look its 1998 self in the mirror and shut itself down permanently, so I couldn't even check my 1998-style calendar on the 1/2" screen.  I'm envisioning myself randomly dialing into conference call lines, accidentally interrupting the CEO's morning sextalk with his Communications Director or the conference call where my boss is discussing in detail about how I'm going to be fired.  You know, just regular Wednesday morning stuff.

9:18.  Well, I can't exactly log into the intranet to submit a help desk request, now can I?  So I call my sworn enemy, IT.  I call the chick who works in IT who, I swear on my favorite spreadsheet, once googled "blue screen" right in front of me.  I call the girl for whom "troubleshooting" means getting out her nerf gun and ironically shooting her stuffed cat she ironically named "Trouble."  This is not my idea of a good time.

IT: "Hello, this is Ashley."  

Me: "Hi Ashley, this is Jane Smith in New York.  How are you?"

IT: "I'm fine.  What's up?"

Me: "Well, I seem to be locked out of anything that requires a password, but my password shouldn't be expired.  It's 20 days old, and I can log in to my computer with it.  It's happened to a couple of other people lately who don't work in the office..."

IT: "Your password must be expired."

Me: "..right, see, what I just said was, it's not expired.  I just changed it 20 days ago, and passwords expire every 45 days."

IT: "If it's not expired, then you must be typing it incorrectly.  Is your Caps Lock on?"

Me: "I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, and I hope your firstborn has a rare disease causing him to only be able to say the words, "Don't touch me there, mom."

IT: "I am autistic and am not understanding your social cues.  What's your password?"

Me: "S as in Sierra..."

IT: "Huh?"

Me: "S.  Essssss.  Sierra.  ESS!! ESS!!!"

IT: "F?"

Me: "Yes.  F. As in FUCK YOUR MOTHER."

IT: "Oh, S."

Me: "Hand me that noose."

IT: "I just entered your password, and it's not letting me in. You're locked out.  Your password must be expired or you're typing it incorrectly."

Me: "This noose isn't killing me fast enough.  Damn those gun control waiting periods."

IT: "Hmm, I left off the a letter last time I typed your password. Now I typed it correctly and it's letting me in.  You were typing it incorrectly."

Me: "Great.  Let me set down this shiv I just made out of a toothbrush and remind you that I was typing it correctly before, and it wasn't expired.  There's clearly a glitch for people who don't regularly log in to the server at the office, causing password authentication problems.  As I was explaining earlier..."

IT: "I like cats."

Me: "...sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, so even if I log in now, it might let me in and then kick me off in 5 minutes, and we won't have solved anything.  Can you look into..."

IT: "I have four cats."

Me: "...the issue with Cisco and see if they've had any similar issues with other national networks with only a few users who work offsite?"

IT: "You're typing it wrong."

Me: "I hate you.  Goodbye."

So I hung up and desperately logged with my now-magically-working-password to see if I can find the information info for the call.  Turns out, that call is tomorrow.