#wrth

German vintage postcard

View On WordPress

“You think that know about the West Side?” I looked at Quise and couldn’t stop laughing. He always asked the craziest questions. Whether it was in history class, or outside of school. His mind was so abstract. I always loved that about him. “Yo Ron, get your head outta the clouds, I asked you an important ass question!” exclaimed Quise. “Well hold the fuck up and let me give you an important ass answer!” I yelled back. I honestly had to think about it. We had always heard of folks over the bridge, but we’ve never seen them. As far as we knew, they were those the half animal half human creatures from Dr.Moreau. “Well, I would hope so. I mean I live on the West Side. So I’m pretty sure they must have heard a little something about us.” “Ron, if you don’t shut your big head ass up bro! I’m serious. This oratorical contest will be our first time going over the bridge in our whole lives. Don’t you think that’s something?” “Quise, stop worrying about superfluous shit. Bro, as long as you got your words down, everything will fall into place.” “I know bro, I know. I’m just a little scared. What if they don’t like us cuz we’re not from there?” “Bro, if they don’t like us because of where we came from, they aren’t the kind of people we should be wanting to impress.” “That’s true! Wait a damn minute, what did I tell you about using them big ass words again?” said Quise as he began to knock my cap off. “Matter of fact, they have too. Because I went over there before!” I said, remembering the story mom would tell me about how I met my grandparents. “Yeah, but you were a baby.” “I know, but I still went over there. I think my daddy might be there too.” “Well if he is, then we can both kick him in the knees when we see him.” We both laughed and headed back to my house. Honestly, it seemed like we were almost always heading back to my house. Momma and Ricky didn’t mind it. Honestly, I loved having a brother my age. Sometimes I wanted to ask him what happened at his aunt’s that night, but I didn’t want him to relive that shit. What kind of brother would I be if I actually asked him about his problems? I hope yall can tell that I was being sarcastic. That whole year we practiced. Our school only had 3 spots to go to Booke Prep for the finals. We would be competing against the best kids in our area. We knew that we were good. I mean, we made it to the finals. But, we had never heard the other kids go before. What if they knew more words than us? What if they had better clothes? What if they paid the judges off? Shit, everyone knows that the kids over the bridge were filthy rich. We had the hopes of everyone in our school weighing on our backs. It was the night before the competion, and me and Quise couldn’t sleep. I kept trying my best to close my eyes shut, but for some reason, a piercing light was burning them. I looked up, and I saw Quise going over his lines again. “Bro, don’t you know we gotta sleep?” “I know bro, I know. But I really need to win this.” “Bro, I’m trying to win this too.” “No bro, for me it’s different. I don’t have a family. I never knew my dad. My mom is out with God knows who. And I can’t go back with my aunt and them.” “I know bro. But my family is your family. You don’t have to win this to prove that to us. It’s not like you were going to beat me anyway.” As soon as I said that, I wished I could’ve taken it back. “You don’t think I know that bro? I know yall have love for me. And I know you’re better with big words. That’s why I’m writing a new poem.” “So you’re writing a poem the night before? How is that gonna give you a better chance bro?” “Bro, just trust me okay. Me and Ricky have been working on ideas for it for a little bit.” “Nigga you and Ricky? That nigga don’t even talk to me!” “I know bro, he used to didn’t talk to me too. But I showed him some my ideas and he said they were dope.” “Bro, you’re supposed to be my brother! What kind of shit is this?” “Bro, I didn’t know it was gonna be a big deal like this.” “It is tho. You know I don’t like him. If I don’t like him, you don’t either!” “That’s not really fair bro. I can have friends outside of you. Shit, he’s your brother. You should give him a chance.” “This conversation is over!” I said as I buried my face into my pillows. I couldn’t tell him what I saw that night. I couldn’t tell him that on the way to pick him up from his aunt’s house I saw Ricky selling drugs to his mom. He wouldn’t want to hear that. He was still telling the kids at school that she had moved out west and was looking for a place for them to move to. He wouldn’t want to know that his new “hero” was selling his mom poison. In the morning, mom had left our outfits on the couch in the living room. We stepped into our makeshift suits and were proud. Fine, the blazers had more patches than a girl scout. And we could the pants used to be blue, but now they were an almost ash grey. But it was all my mom could put together. As we were stepping out, Ricky stopped us. “Yall better not wear them ashy ass clothes. Here, take them off and wear these.” he said throwing a bag of clothes on the same couch. Quise ran over to the bag like Santa himself had dropped it down the chimney. And in a flash, he was dressed like what the Booke Prep kids might be wearing. “Hurry up and change Ron-Ron, yall gonna be late.” I put on the new clothes, but they didn’t feel right. I still felt dirty. We were probably walking around wearing something Quise’s mom paid for. But we had to look nice for the contest. “You think mom is gonna be mad?” “Why the hell would she be mad? Just hang the other clothes up in your closet, and she won’t have nothing to say.” I took both hangers and ran up the steps. I put the clothes in the closet, and on my way back down, I noticed that Ricky had left his room door unlocked. That could’ve been my chance to see what was in there. But, me and Quise were late enough. The walk to the bridge had never seemed too long. Most days, it was like a 10 minute, tops. But maybe the anticipation was getting to us. We were also wearing new shoes Ricky got us with his drug dealing money that we didn’t want to mess up. As we finally got over the bridge, it was easy to see that these folks didn’t live like us. The houses and the stores actually looked nice. There was barely any trash on the ground. And all of the people who would either try to sell us drugs or “the oils” were replaced with Christians trying to sell us their God. We thought there was a chance we got lost when we made it to the gates of the school. Not only was there a gate, but there was a huge intercom. We looked at the surroundings of the school and saw cameras almost everywhere. It was like we were in some sort of hi tech prison. “Are you guys here for the contest?” asked the voice from the intercom. “Well come right in.” the warm voice greeted. We followed the arrows that lead us to an auditorium, and we were given our numbers. And now, we waited. I tried my best not to pay attention to everyone else’s performances. But they were all amazing. And soon, it was Quise’s turn. I was worried. I wasn’t sure if he had gotten all the words down to his new poem, because he never shared it with me. But it was too late to try to help him now. Quise: Home Is where the heart is Well for me, it was where the hate was Cuz every time I stepped into the doors Niggas said “hey cuz” They knew what was happening when I went upstairs But they were so happy it wasn’t them So I couldn’t pay them to care The first time she touched me, she said that it was innocent The next time she touched me, she took my fucking innocence Etched into my mind, those memories won’t fade, they’re permanent And I used to fake a crooked smile I really used to play pretend I thought that if I let it happen once it wouldn’t happen again.. But it did And that made realize that with you, I wasn’t home Home is begging Ricky to hear your unfinished poems Home is your new mom giving you every ounce of love your bio fam couldn’t Home is you brother choosing to sleep on the floor with you instead of in his bed Home is the West Side Home is being surround by folks who really love me Home is staying up late writing poems with my best friend in the world All of those things? Yup that’s what home is to me The crowd erupted in applause. But I couldn’t. I hadn’t realized that my brother was going through some shit like that. I was really a fuck up. I was too busy being jealous of him and Ricky getting close, too busy trying to be the best at everything, and too busy not being a real friend to notice. I was just as bad as his aunt. As he stepped off the stage, he gave me a hug. And again, I felt dirty. I didn’t even feel like I deserved to be there. I was supposed to have Quise’s back. And I had let my big ass head get in the way of that. By the time they had called my name, I had decided I was going to choke. I mean I had to. Quise had to win. He had to let the world know that his voice mattered, and he had found his home. I stepped on the stage, and I saw Him. I hadn’t seen him in years. But, I could feel it. At the back of the auditorium was Ronald Jennings III, or as my mom would refer to him, “My No Good Rotten Ass Daddy”. He must really have lived just over the bridge all this time. I was excited. This meant that I had to do my best. And then in came his new family. I felt like the same scared little kid all over again. The same pain I felt when he left rushed all over me. I had felt weak. It felt like I had crossed the bridge for nothing. But I couldn’t let that happen. I thought of the words to the poem, but they didn’t seem to feel right anymore. I had to make a new one, even if that meant I messed up. Hmmmmm Here you are In this room Looking just like yourself A sorry excuse for a person A sorry excuse for a man A sorry excuse of… Matter of fact, I can’t even go there with you, because half of you is me You see, without you I’ve grown I stopped crying to mom asking when you were gonna come back I stopped trying to achieve well in school to make you proud Because you know what, I realized I can just do that for myself I am not that scared little west side boy anymore That’s what you wanted me to say right? I know exactly why you left You were afraid You didn’t want to be a father so young, so you ran away from your family You left us to starve And now I can finally look you in the face and say Thanks! Thanks for not being a part of my life Cuz I’d be damned if I had a man like you for a father And with that I walked off stage. The rest of the night seemed like a blur. But me and Quise walked home with our trophies proudly. What place we scored? It didn’t matter, cuz a crown aint worth much. What mattered is that we stood for what we believed in. We stood for our home. West Side forever!

“Are you going to tell him?” asked Mama Berta as she plopped down in her “comfy seat”. I waited for a bit, and watched as she finally settled down in her position until I replied. “Mama, I’m just not sure if I’m ready to do that.” I said as I began to play around with the bacon and eggs on my plate. For Mama, everything was so black and white. But I couldn’t let it be like that for me. One of us had to be the sane one. “Girl, you betta quit playing and tell him. He has the right to know what’s going on!” yelled Mama from seat. “Mama, he’s the reason why I didn’t want to have one! He said that the world ain’t ready for folks like him and me to have babies!” I tried to explain to Mama. “So, what are you going to do? Are you going to go to that damned witch doctor and have her kill yalls baby?” questioned Mama as she began to flip through the newspaper. What was funny was I knew she couldn’t read. All she ever did was look at the pictures and try to come up with what happened. I never told her Tyler told me. He’s always wanted to teach her, but she just was too stubborn to learn. I tried not to stare too hard as she flipped through the pages and began to laugh. “What is it Mama?” I asked. I was confused, knowing that she couldn’t read, I wanted to know what she found that she thought was so funny. She got out of her. chair and almost ran to my side. “I know you’re still deciding if you want to kill the baby or not, but I found the perfect name!” exclaimed Mama. Every time she said that phrase, it burned my ears. I hadn’t even told her that I already had begun to see Miss Eula, or as Mama would say, “The Witch Doctor”. I told Miss Eula I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, so she gave me the concoction in treatments. I had been visiting her shack every Thursday after work for the past 3 weeks. And this coming Thursday would be my last treatment. “The world was just fine enough for me and my husbands to have babies. But it’s not good enough for yalls?” asked Mama as she hovered over my shoulder. “Mama, ain’t it something you wanted to show me or something? I gotta head out to work soon.” I said as began to eat my eggs at a faster pace. “Oh, that’s right baby, I had just forgot! I want you to name the baby ‘Morning’.” said Mama as she began to point and the name of the newspaper. “Is there any reason that name stuck out to you?” I chuckled to myself knowing that was probably the only word she knew. “Actually, it does baby. The Morning is something that’s for sure to come. The morning gives us strength. It gives us hope that one day, it will be all right.” said Mama as she began to walk back to her seat. I peered over at the clock on the far end of the kitchen and it read 7:45, I was almost late! I scrapped up the rest of my food and slid the plate into the sink, and I ran as fast as I could. Of course, I made it on time. I mean, I was never late with anything. Well, that was until my period came late. The grocery mart wasn’t nearly as busy as it usually was. My legs were still hurting from all the standing tho. And my once tiny feet were beginning to get swollen. I tried to soothe them in the bath, but that only seems to work for rich white womens, or black womens who ain’t have to work everyday. As my shift was coming to an end, I remembered that Tyler said he would pick me up from work today. I rushed to the bathroom to try to do something with my hair, and I could already hear his rickety truck pulling in the drive way. That meant I had to be fast. I know it was dark out there, but it wasn’t too dark that them white folks would think he wasn’t colored. And colored folks couldn’t come through the front of the store. I leapt out the door and into his truck as we drove off. “Baby, why you just jump in this truck like you run track?” asked Tyler as he began to rub my thigh. Usually, his touch would send me into a frenzy. But not today. I was upset. He could’ve been putting his life in danger. What about our child? How was I gonna raise our baby by myself? Then I remembered that he still didn’t know. We finally rolled into “The Point”, it was this place in the woods the young adults in the city would go to make love and watch the stars and listen to music. Or as we called it back then, “Just having fun”. We found a spot, parked the car, and then climbed onto the back of his truck. There were blankets and pillows he probably stole from Mama’s house, and we looked out at the stars. They looked magical. Tyler began to feel his hands across my body, and I began to step out of my clothes. “Damn baby, when did your boobs start getting so big?” he asked as he began to grasp them. “Stop playing Tyler, I’ve been the same size since you first saw them.” I said trying my best to look down at them in the dark. “No babe, you got grown women breast now.” said Tyler as he began to laugh. “Does that mean you have a grown man —” “Shut up” he said as he cut me off and began to kiss me. Each time our lips touched my legs began to shake. And as his hands began to glide across my body, I started to release tiny moans. As we finally began to have sex, I couldn’t handle it. He entered in, and I let out an uncontrollable shriek. I tried to hold my noise in, but I couldn’t control myself. It’s like I wasn’t in control of my body anymore. This was not our first time at The Point. And no, this obviously wasn’t our first time having sex. But maybe me being pregnant made me more emotional/my body more sensitive. Or maybe it was the concoction! I apologized, and said I was just a little tired from work and he laughed. “Nah babe, you got tired cuz I put that ass to sleep.” he laughed as I began to finally calm down. I pushed him away and began to laugh too. Then, we started looking at the stars . He was telling me how bad his day was, and how much he missed me. And I barely had anything to add to the conversation. I couldn’t help but stare at him. From the curves of his lips, to the warm brown color of his skin, he was one of God’s greatest creations. And, he was all mine. “Babe, do you still feel the same way about children?” I asked . He looked up at me and began to grin. "I've been thinking about them a lot lately. And that's funny for me, cuz you know how I feel about bringing black babies in this 'White Man's World'". "Come on baby, spit it out!" "I've been watching the news, and the world is changing." "Enough for us to have a child?" "Enough for us to talk about it at least. Mama Berta always said we would make some cute babies." “You really mean that Tyler?” “Look baby girl, I am a King. And before we even get married, you are a Queen.” “Babe, where are you going with this?” “Hear me out, hear me out. We have royalty in our blood. Since before segregation, Jim Crow, slavery, and all of that shit. Remember, even Hagard was a princess before!” “What does that have to do with us bringing black babies into this fucked up world?” “It has everything to do with it! Kings and Queens have babies. We have heirs. We build nations upon our backs. And in turn, our children get the worlds we wished we lived in.” “Boy, you’ve been listening to that Dr.King again, haven’t you?’ “Now, you know I barely have time to listen to the radio. I heard this in church. We have to start changing the world, so that we can have black babies!” “So what if I told you it was too late? What if I told you that I thought I was pregnant?’ “Is that what you’re saying?” “Yes Tyler, I’m pregnant. I’m sorry okay. I thought we were doing everything right.” “I mean, two people having sex usually does make babies.” “Stop playing Tyler, this is serious! How are we gonna raise a child in a world like this?” “We won’t! We’ll change the world before he’s even born.” “Why do you think it’s a boy?” “I told you I was a king, Kings know everything!” “Is that right?” “Yeah baby girl” “So what will we name our ‘Prince’?” “We will name him King.” “The kids are gonna pick on him baby.” “Only because they’re jealous.” “Well since he’s our first born, I’ll let you name him. Wait, now you got me saying ‘him’.” “He’s gonna have to live up to that name tho. Just like you and me have to live up to our titles too. King and Queen are only titles if you don’t make positive changes in the world. What’s a fancy crown if the one wearing it has a black heart? Those crowns and jewels? They really aint worth much

“This crown ain’t worth much.” said one of the women at the back of the line. I hadn’t paid their conversation too much attention, but the word crown seemed to echo in my head for a bit. “Yeah momma, we should just get it for King!” a now younger voice exclaimed. I tried to look back and get a glimpse of this crown. I mean, I felt like I had to. I had now become invested. And thus, HAD to not only see the crown, but the group of ladies talking about it, and even the man they wanted to give it to, “King”. But, I also couldn’t leave my spot in line. “It is cheap. But you know what, King has enough crowns. He has enough people letting him know exactly how important he is.” “But what’s one more?” I thought to myself. I remember being a child and not receiving all of the love I thought I could have been given. And that still impacts me today. What if he needed that crown to self-actualize his greatness? And what kind of man would I be if I didn’t try to help in that endeavor? Even if I meant giving up my spot in this long ass line, I had to help them. I gave up my spot and ran towards their voices. “Are you the guys talking about the crown?” I asked a family holding a crown in their hands, which of course told me that it was them, but I still had to ask to keep it classy. “I didn’t know we were that loud lol.” said the youngest. “Yeah, I just think you guys should get it. It’s a quality crown, for a quality little boy. And if y’all need it, I could just buy it for y’all .” “It’s just a crown man. It isn’t worth much”

This crown..:: This crown.... These crowns, ain’t worth much They’ve become as useless as the gold chains They’re Draped across our bodies like cheap curtains They hold about as much meaning as the pink flamingo lawn ornaments spread throughout each and every suburb Or better yet, for all the millennials out there, Like Patagonia vest, worn by all the Frat dudes and dudettes Who throw their exclusive parties on “The Hill” And get mad at their dwindling recruitment numbers... I guess the crown really isn’t worth much Right? I mean, who really cares that you were “that guy” in college or high school? Who is really gonna be pressed 10 years in the future that you had an opportunity to be a nice, respectable human being... But you gave that up, so that you could have an exclusive group of friends whom allow you to drink yourself into your seconds away from death? This ain’t saying you can’t be a nice person who just happens to find themselves at the top of the totem pole But let’s face it, most of them niggas aren’t checking for us They're too busy shining their crowns And what's funny is.... That crown?? It aint worth much

-United States of Tara